The Honeybear

Of all life on Earth, only one species can hold the coveted title “Most terrifying animal of all time”. This creature is the honeybear. Honeybears are native to the state of Delaware, located on the east coast of the USA. In an experiment to gauge the honeybear’s predatory prowess, a specimen easily caught and devoured four cheetahs within six minutes. The research is horrifying, but the threat is real. Read on.

Below is an abstract from the National Journal of Ursalography.

“The average honeybear can sustain speeds up to 40 m/s for 10-13 minutes at a time. Because of the incredible physical toll this takes on the individual, honeybears need to consume between 150-200 pounds of red meat per day. If a honeybear cannot locate sufficient nutrition the resulting deficit can cause severe muscular atrophy within one day and after four days can lead to massive cardiac arrest. Incidentally, honeybears have been known to run at 10 m/s bipedally for over an hour, if terrain is suitable. Also, the honeybear is thought (because of empirical evidence) to be the only land mammal capable of immobilizing and devouring a great white shark. Honeybears have no known predators.”

–The National Journal of Ursalography

Facts:

  1. If a human catches eye of a honeybear, the honeybear is usually running at a very high velocity toward the human.
  2. Should a human find his/herself being targeted by a honeybear in an open space, there is absolutely nothing that can be done to thwart the bear.
  3. Honeybears have difficulty with stairs, so the best defense is to climb them.
  4. Aside from climbing stairs, the only way to hide from a honeybear is to place oneself into a space which is inaccessible by the bear, such as a manhole. The bear will attempt entry for about 45 minutes, but then lose interest and leave; for the bear has no time for not eating.
  5. Even if a honeybear has satisfied its ravenous appetite, it will still kill any living thing it sees. This is because of instinct; the bear is programmed to kill and will determine its nutritional need only after this has been effected.

This content has been verified by National Association of Bear Research (NABR).

All information presented here was taken from the Foundation for the Advancement of Human Harmony with explicit permission.