BEARSCARE

URGENT.

During the past few weeks, I have been conducting a research study in the lakes and ponds of Virginia and have collected surprising results. The Virginia Jellyfish population has tripled over the last two years and the creatures are displaying increased levels of intelligence.

The Virginia Jellyfish is very similar to other jellyfish in appearance only. They are unique among jellyfish in that they have intelligence rivaling that of a medium rodent. Earlier this year, a fisherman observed two Virginia Jellyfish climb up the side of his boat and enter it, presumably looking for food. Since this first occurrence, reports of Virginia Jellyfish climbing into boats have flooded in and, reportedly, Virginia Governor Tim Kaine has formed a task force to evaluate the threat. “They’re just fish, you know, but the climbing has us very alarmed,” remarked Rhett Sinclair, an unofficial Kaine spokesperson. President Barack Obama has not released an official statement on the matter, but sources  say that he has been notified and is deeply troubled.

There have been no documented deaths from Virginia Jellyfish attacks, but several fisherman have been hospitalized with injuries consistent with jellyfish stings. The problem is that Virginia Jellyfish are pack hunters and will continue experiment with new, advanced techniques. It is only a matter of time before Virginia Jellyfish discover refrigerators and pantries; they can survive out of water for near 3 hours in some cases.

Basically, Virginia’s shot. If you live there, please look into nearby states or the District of Columbia. If you plan to cross state lines, please check yourself, car and clothing for possible Virginia Jellyfish eggs; they are always experimenting with new ways to increase their numbers and spread their influence. Check back regularly for updates, but all Virginians should expect to be quarantined at the very least.

Today my mom discovered the most terrifying spider. My wife took the picture below of it. If anyone knows what this beast is, please let me know. We’re really worried.

This is serious. Three days ago my wife and I journeyed to the Appalachian Mountains of Virginia looking for bears and adventure. We found both. We saw not 1, not 2, but 6 bears. And I don’t think it’s the least bit arrogant to believe they new it was me and came out to greet us. Bears may not be the smartest animals (we are) but they DO know who they’re friends are.

Most of the bears we saw were on the side of the road but we had one close encounter with one in the woods. We ran into some woodsmen on their horses who tipped us off to the bear’s presence. Upon spotting him and failing to establish communication, we decided not to make chase. Below is a picture of one of the bears we saw (they’re hard to photograph. I think it’s because they are so secretive already).

OK, everybody, it’s time for a break. I’ve been covering relevant animal news now for some time and have been helping all of you to the tune of 3000 hits (that’s enormous in internet terms) since the site’s creation a way back who knows when. Would you believe the only animal news on CNN today is this stupid video featuring a dog and a sheep? That’s BORING. So, on this Sunday evening, I’m going to tell you about my cat, Skittles. Well, our cat. Here’s the story.

My fiancee and I had been itching to get a pet. We already have some fish. The biggest fish is Amadeus. When we got him, we also had three others: Punky Brewster, Lucius Tertius and Jimmy Tango. However, Amadeus systematically killed off his tank mates. First went Lucius, then Punky and finally Jimmy. It turns out that Amadeus had been pregnant, though, and he was just making room for his son, Hush Puppy who’s a happy, healthy fry right now. But that’s neither here nor there. The point is fish don’t make loyal companions.

Another bit of important tid-bit of background is that my apartment building, a high-rise in Crystal City (Arlington, VA) is beginning to fall apart. Knowing this, management sold it to Bainbridge Companies, which is definitely the sorriest property management company ever. Just ask Catherine (who’s in the property management business). Well, we found out that Bainbridge was allowing animals in the building when we heard a dog barking upstairs. A couple days later we were at Petsmart perusing the cats. Here’s a picture of Skittles in her cage.

Some time back we had decided that “Skittles” would be a great name for a cat, especially if it was a really mean cat. We named this cat Skittles but she turned out just to be stupid. A stupid cat? Yes. Skittles is pretty dense. She’s extremely clumsy, more interested in tin foil and Catherine’s hair than very realistic rabbit’s fur mice and she doesn’t bury her treasures in the litter box.

Actually, the litter box situation is pretty funny. See, Skittles LOVES to eat. She eats all the time and throws a fit if her bowl is empty. And with all that food she produces a lot of waste. Cleaning litter boxes doesn’t bother me at all. Even scooping Skittle’s box daily would have been fine, but daily isn’t enough with this cat. Since she doesn’t bury, a fresh box is only fresh until she uses it, which is very, very frequently. It was getting to the point where my entire apartment smelled like her litterbox everyday when I came home from work. We got the Littermaid to clean up after her for each visit to the box just so the apartment would be tolerable.

Here’s Skittles inside her food bag, eating, because she finished off her bowl.

Unusual traits aside, Skittles is a really great cat. I think we’re going to get her a buddy, though, and name him Kringle. Kringle will probably be a Siamese.

Hey everybody.

So, I was chillaxing in my office today and started thinking about how much I want a pet pig. I LOVE pigs. Look at this video. How could you not love Alice?

Alice is a pot bellied pig. A lot of people think they’re small, but they can get pretty big. I think some are upward of 200 lbs. Here’s a little one getting owned by a French bulldog and then owning back.

After convincing myself I need a pig, I began to wonder if they’re legal to own where I live. I highly doubt my landlord would be down, but I wonder if you can have pet pigs in Fairfax County, VA? I looked and looked all over internets, but there was no information. I learned that you need two acres to keep farm hogs, but I DON’T WANT FARM HOGS. I JUST WANT A HAPPY LITTLE POT BELLY PIG. So, if you live in Virginia and know anything about pig laws, please leave a comment or email me at tom@bearscare.org. I’m serious. I need this.

I’ll finish this off with two more videos. The first is of a pig being fed apple sauce. This video is appropriate for pig novices through pig experts. Pig virtuosos might get a little bored. The second video shows a pig eating ice cream. Everybody should enjoy this one.

PS: My fiancee isn’t so wild about the fat/ugly variety of pet pigs. She’s much more interested in this type.

Here’s another one.