BEARSCARE

You may have seen headlines about a mysterious “blob” floating in the Arctic Ocean around the Berring Straight in Alaska. What you may not know, however, is that there is no mystery to this blob. First, though, here’s a picture of the blob.

Scientists are no strangers to strange “blobs” and references to such organisms go back past Aristotle. Currently, “we know more than you might think about these things,” explains Werner Lindenberg, a professor at Radford University. “We know the great blob is made up of billions of smaller organisms; worms, actually.” Lindenberg went on to describe an intricate system in which millions of round worms (see below) involuntarily swarm together. “They don’t do it on purpose. Well, they can’t; they just aren’t smart enough. But they induce the behavior in each other and, as a group, have been shown to possess intelligence rivaling that of a medium sized mammal, such as a rabbit or fox.”

Presently, the blob is floating through the Berring Straight and both scientists and government officials are concerned it may stay close to the coast and enter the Puget Sound. “Oh yeah, FEMA knows. We alerted them to this thing a week ago,” replied Amos McMillan, a Washington State Coast Guard spokesman. He went on to explain that, apparently, President Oabama has assigned Vice President Biden to run a taskforce within FEMA to make sure that the “Katrina fiasco” isn’t repeated. “That was just a hurricane,” a figure claimed to be Biden says on a videotape provided by McMillan, “these are worms. They are alive and there’s more of them than us. We will use whatever force is necessary to acheive a satisfactory conclusion to this threat. No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that.”

"No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that." -Joe Biden

That’s all we know right now, so keep checking back for more updates.

You may have heard a lot about The Octomom in the news lately but you may not know what she’s all about, and so I’m here with the scoop.

It all started back in 2007 when an animal was discovered off the coast of South America called an Octosquid (pictured below).

The octosquid is bassically half octopus (Octopus cyanea, a cephalopod) and half Southern Giant Squid (Architeuthis sanctipauli, also a cephalopod). See below.

Scientists have been baffled for 2 years now trying to figure out how such a monster could come to be. They theorized that there must be some shared ancestor in the evolution of octopi and squids from dinosaurs and they named this ancestor The Octomom. Aparently, an Octomom has been recently located, except very few details have come out about her condition. The one thing we know is that she spawned 8 offspring very recently. Perhaps the fact that she was giving birth explains why she ventured out of the safety of deep, southern Pacific waters. Check back here for updates.

I was recently made aware of an amazing creature. It’s the WEREBEAR. According to this website,

The werebear is a creature closely related to the werewolf. A werebear is like a werewolf, but bigger, stronger, and more formidable because it turns into a bear instead of a wolf. In many legends from northern Europe, the two creatures appear side-by-side in the same legends.

I can’t believe I hadn’t pondered the existence of werebears before. I guess I just don’t think much about werewolves since usually my animal thoughts turn to bear thoughts and so thoughts of werewolves would naturally lead me to the conclusion that, if bears are better than wolves (obviously true) and some wolves are werewolves (true), then some bears must be werebears. That is a valid, strong argument using deductive which infallibly proves the existence of werebears.

Most wearbears are grizzly-human hybrids, but occasionally there are black bear-human hybrids. Obviously honeybear werebears do not exist because the honeybear would eat itself during the first human-bear transition and thus would never become a full bear in the zoological sense. Thanks and good night.

PS: I’ll be posting more about werebears throughout my life.

Yes.