BEARSCARE

Bảo Lộc, Vietnam — A scientist vacationing in southern Vietnam has discovered a new lizard in one of the most unlikely places. “I was on a quest to find the best Phở in southern Vietnam,” begins Dr. Frederick Garfield, professor emeritus at Christopher Columbus University’s Benson College of Herpetology, “and I had no intention of eating lizard; I gave that up years ago!” It turns out that, as Garfield was browsing the menu at Nam Dinh Diner, he was quite taken with a grilled lizard dish. “They seasoned it with lime, basil and a hint of honey. And no, it didn’t taste like chicken at all. It was so delicious that I asked the chef to show me where the meat had come from.” And the rest is history unfolding in front of our eyes: the first new lizard species in over 120 years.

There are approximately 650 species of reptiles, of which only 22 are lizards. “You wouldn’t think it,” Garfield continued, “but lizards, as a subgroup, are extraordinarily homogenous. The only taxonomoligcal family with fewer distinct species is Hominidae.  But this one, it was the tastiest.”

The interesting thing about Leiolepis ngovantrii, known locally as ngon vật, is that all members of the species are female, just like in Jurassic Park. Unlike Jurassic Park, however, these lizards reproduce through cloning. “The locals explained to me that, upon maturity, an individual is allowed to burrow several feet into a nutrient rich topsoil-compost slurry. After two weeks, a visibly weakened lizard emerges followed, a month later, by an exact, though younger, copy.

“I have already assembled a team of graduate students here at CCU and am raising funds for a trip back to Bảo Lộc. This is the first big herpetological breakthrough of the new millennium and the finest moment of my career,” remarked Dr. Garfield, reclining behind his desk, a snifter of cognac in hand. “I wasted 35 years on snakes. I’m a lizard guy now.”

And eaten. That’s right, some locals in the Philipines came across a buttonquail on the island of Luzan and thought enough of it to photograph it (see below, courtesy of National Geographic) before selling it to a market as food. Humans 1, buttonquails 0.

Source

Did you know that there’s a bearscare.info? It’s written in a language I can’t understand (French, Greek, Korean, etc.) but I did gather from peeping it that the bearscare is a walking stick on which one end can be ignited to scare a bear. Here’s a diagram from the website:

This really isn’t going to work. Bears aren’t stupid. They know that humans CAN’T hurt them. Really the best defense you have you must encounter a bear is kind words, a hug and offerings of food, drink and (in W. VA, Maryland, Tennessee and Mississippi) cigarettes.

Whatever, guys.

So, readers have been asking me about Knut, the polar bear quite a bit. Well, I’m sick of it. So, here’s an update on FLOCKE: she’s fine. Don’t worry. As far as I can tell from the following picture, Flocke is growing up to be a respectible polar bear just like her first cousin, Knut. Although I don’t advocate bears eating seals, she’s going to start getting pretty bored soon. I believe there are some excellent soy-based imitation seal products out there, so let me be the first to recommend to Germans (Deutschlanders) they buy this stuff. It’s environmentally responsible since the soy is grown with replaceable fuel sources.

This is absolutely tragic. These sickos in Peru dress up their Guinea pigs, take them out for parade and slaughter them. And then they eat them right then and there. Hey! I have an idea! Let’s take a bunch of PEOPLE and parade them down Broadway and eat them. How about that?

Recently, Foxnews.com published an article on eating insects, which is good. I haven’t gotten a chance to fully research the topic, but here’s the article:

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,332172,00.html

And here’s a picture from it:

And here’s some great information from Wikipedia:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Category:Insects_as_food

Enjoy!