BEARSCARE

A recent surge of Burmese python attacks has both researchers and authorities concerned. Apparently the python, which was illegally introduced into Florida in the late ’80s by notorious snake dealer, Ferdinand “Fang” Mueller, has flourished and grown far more numerous than its food supply, which consists mostly of pigs, weasels and small monkeys. “We don’t find the bodies, because there are no remains. We do see, however, very well fed pythons. You know, there’s a big lump in the middle,” explains Harry Hinson, a snake expert employed by Biscayne County, FL. The 7-8 meter long snakes (21-24″) can weigh upwards of 400 kg and need to feed approximately twice per week, which is much more often than similarly sized snakes.

“The problem is,” continues Hinson, “their metabolisms actually adapt to their surroundings. Now we’ve got a lot of hogs in Biscayne County, so the snakes eat more of them. It’s a vicious cycle. And I do mean vicious.” The concern, stated Hinson, is that once the food supply is exhausted, the pythons will turn their beady eyes and forked tongues toward the human population. Several disappearances are expected to be the result of python attacks. “Yup, it’s already started. We’ve had half a dozen swamp people go missing in the last month alone,” remarked Hinson.

Fang Mueller is currently incarcerated in the Sarasota State Penitentiary. He generally declines requests from the press, but did release this statement last week:

“A lot of people are asking me if I regret my illegal activities. The answer is no. I regret getting caught. When buyers were plentiful, I was making a lot of money off those snakes. It was the American dream. And then they stopped buying them because they got all sentimental when the snakes started eating pets. What did you expect? So there I was with over 200 pythons. I had to do something, so I dumped them in the damn swamp. So shoot me! It’s what any last one of you would have done.”

Mueller was convicted of illegal snake smuggling in 2005 and, under Florida’s strict snake laws, was sentenced to 60 years in prison. He will be eligible for parole in 2018.

On Tuesday, August 24, 2010, Colonel Harland Sanders emerged from a smoking space capsule which crashed into the Florida Everglades. Not knowing his true identity, emergency responders were baffled by his repeated, successful evasion of their attempts to bring him to a hospital for evaluation. After several hours, some of the paramedics apparently gave up; the rest went missing and their whereabouts are still uncertain.

The public became aware of the arrival of the fabled chicken entrepreneur when he appeared behind a podium later that afternoon in the Florida House of Delegates. Camera crews were already filming in anticipation for a debate concerning the future welfare of crocodiles. Sanders, who now stands over 11 feet (3.4 meters), was greeted with silence by the delegates who had already arrived; everyone was too scared to question how he had made it past security. One of the House staffers took the following picture with her Blackberry:

After breathing heavily for several minutes, he closed his eyes and relaxed his gigantic frame. Instantly, the image of a starving crocodile disappeared from the large projection screen on the wall behind the podium (above Sanders) and he apparently willed the following statement to appear:

HUMAN MEN AND WOMEN OF PLANET EARTH 1: I HAVE RETURNED AFTER INTERCEPTING RADIO TRANSMISSIONS ORIGINATING FROM YOUR FINE PLANET. I COME IN PEACE.

I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 30 YEARS TRAVELING THE UNIVERSE TO BRING MY FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD ORIGINAL RECIPE TO OTHER CIVILIZATIONS. I HAVE MET MANY POWERFUL LEADERS FROM OTHER EARTHS AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT EARTH 1 AND THEY ARE OK WITH EVERYONE COEXISTING IN PEACE.

IN 1970, I USED MY FORTUNE TO INVEST IN A HYPER-WARP PROTON ENGINE TO FACILITATE INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL. UPON ITS COMPLETION IN 1978, I BEGAN PLANNING TO FABRICATE MY OWN DEATH; THE WORLD WAS NOT READY TO KNOW MY DREAM OF SPREADING PEACE AND FRIED CHICKEN ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.

THE TRANSMISSIONS I INTERCEPTED, AN APPARENT ADVERTISEMENT FOR MODERN KFC PRODUCTS, DESCRIBED MY CHICKEN AS “SO S-O-G-DOUBLE O-D GOOD”. WHILE I APPRECIATE THIS PRAISE, THE SAME TRANSMISSIONS CONFUSED SOME OTHER-WORDLY CULTURES WHOM I HAD TAUGHT ENGLISH. THE EMPEROR OF EARTH 7 THOUGHT THE LANGUAGE MEANT “SO-SO GOOD”, AS IF THE CHICKEN WAS JUST BARELY GOOD. I WAS IMMEDIATELY ASKED TO LEAVE AND PAINTED AS A HOAX. MY ADVICE TO ALL EARTH 1 LEADERS IS TO KEEP AN EYE ON EARTH 7. PLEASE, IN THE FUTURE, CHECK ALL BROADCASTS FOR AMBIGUITIES.

I WILL NOW CONTINUE MY MISSION. I PLAN TO RETURN IN 2052 TO COMMEMORATE THE OPENING OF THE FIRST KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN. UNTIL THEN, I WISH YOU PEACE, PROSPERITY AND HARMONY. THANK YOU.

Sanders then, as described by one onlooker, “glided out the door” and then ran, stopping only at a Pet Smart where he collected all the fish, small mammals, birds, but not reptiles, back to his capsule, which hovered briefly over the swamp and then accelerated in a direct path towards Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter.

Until today, below is the last know photograph of Colonel Sanders, taken several weeks before his faked death in 1980:

His survivors have not answered calls concerning a possible exhumation, but activists have dug in on both sides of the debate. Harland Sanders III issued the following press statement: “What would we even find? I know my grandfather, and that was him. Whoever or whatever is in that tomb is inconsequential.” An opposing opinion, however, offered by KFC fan Billy Marcus countered, “We’re visited by an 11 foot being from outer space who claims to be The Colonel. We need to investigate.” Both sides are assembling teams of lawyers and it will likely be months before any Earthly action is taken.

One question remains, however, and that is Sanders’ size. We contacted Fritz Leeuwenhoek, an associate director at the Large Hadron Collider, an underground particle accelerator located at the French-Swiss border. After considering our description of the events, he responded, through a translator, “My theory is that this was indeed Colonel Sanders. His increased stature could be easily explained as a relativistic side effect of traveling at speeds very close to, and sometimes faster, than the speed of light for an extended period of time. 30 years would be sufficient for a 40-90% elongation.”

This is all we have so far. There will no doubt be more on this in the near future.

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/08/24/colonel.sanders.returns.from.space/index.html?hpt=T2

I should have been all over this when I first heard about it, but it took the following headline to get my attention:

Bat Hitches Ride to Space on Shuttle Discovery

Before the space shuttle took off, NASA noticed the bat clinging to the huge fuel tank. After determining that it wouldn’t pose a threat to the shuttle’s fragile fire-retardant tiles, the launch proceeded as scheduled, with bat proponents among the NASA ranks hoping and praying the little critter would realize its peril and fly away. “The poor little guy just didn’t know what was about to hit him,” remarked Joe Higgins, a camera operator working for NASA. “We were all rooting for him, and we just hope wherever he is…well, we hope he’s somewhere better. Somewhere better than an orange fuel tank engulfed in rocket exhaust.”

When I say “venomous spiders”, where do you think of? Africa? Ausralia? The backwoods of West Virginia? All these answers are correct; well not entirely correct. A little known fact: Miami, Florida (USA) is home to the most poisonous spider. This spider, an extremely rare spider, is called the taupe recluse. Don’t laugh! It’s actuall related to the brown recluse but a SINGLE bit contains over 70 times the venom of a similar bit of a brown recluse.

The taupe recluse gets its name from–take a wild guess–the color of its belly. Actually, this spider looks identical to the brown recluse except for its underside; the brown recluse has a pinkish belly whereas the taupe recluse has a taupe belly. The taupe recluse lives exclusively in Miama and feeds primarily on spilled beach food such as hot dogs, chips, soda, whatever. Often, taupe recluse bites take some time to kill a person but quickly retard respiration without the individual’s knowledge. Hence, many drown after taupe recluse bites and these deaths are usually attributed to drinking, drugs, sting rays, sharks, Dutch teenagers, etc. The taupe recluse should be feard and nobody should visit Miama without reading this article.

Watch your ass because I’m too busy watching mine,

Tom

Somewhere in Florida, Burmese pythons have been attacking alligators…and apparently winning. Check out this photograph that was donated to us:

I really don’t know who to root for here. On the one hand, alligators are sweet and powerful, but then again so are pythons. I’ll probably pull for the alligator, though. Whatever.

You know, being me isn’t all fun and games all of the time. Reporting on worldwide zoological events is extremely rewarding and just knowing that we are the most complete, accurate and interesting animal-news website on the net helps me wake up enthused and rested every morning. Some nights I don’t even sleep.

But with great power comes great responsibility, so it is my sad but necessary duty to report that a dolphin has died. Sharky, as he was affectionately known, was mortally wounded during an aerial feat at Sea World, FL. Rest in peace, slippery prince. Rest in peace. You will be remembered always. Below is a tribute to dolphins and I think it’s only appropriate that we all watch it. Gather the family around, or whatever you have in your house/burrow and click the triangle and let yourself be taken away to an underwater paradise.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=CAmZF79wvu8&feature=related]

As a cat owner myself, this story really hits home. This woman was just hanging out with her cheetahs when one got distracted, knocked her over (accidentally) and then realized that this was his only change to get revenge. So, the cheetah and his buddy lit her up. Everybody is OK, though.

I worry about this everyday with my cat, Skittles. She’s pretty dense, but her claws are sharp and she’s not afraid to use them. She actually just stabbed me in the leg.

Surfers in Cocoa Beach, FL are being denied access to whales. Why? Because they’re “endangered”. Well, what about the surfers? They want to meet the whales. Let them.