BEARSCARE

Scientists examining Google Earth imagery have found proof that the Loch Ness “Monster” is, in fact, real. “It’s a Plesiosaur, for sure. We thought that and it’s nice that we were actually right,” according to Billy “Nibbles” Wilson, a paleontologist and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University. “And there isn’t just one; no, these guys have been breeding for millions of years. The big question is how do we catch one to study.”

Loch Ness Monster surfacing for air

Plesiosaurs are very large, sea faring dinosauric reptiles. They are carnivores and are thought to have preyed on early land mammals. They were thought to have gone extinct along with most other dinosaurs 64,000,000 years ago. The Loch Ness has always been known to have unusually generous biological features, and strange animals have been widely reported since its discovery in 877 AD. The first “monster” sighting was reported in 901 AD by the historian Josephus, who, apparently, saw a “humped beast emerge from the sea and then disappear.” Intrigue has built ever since until now.

“Now my life is complete,” Wilson went on, “and I don’t need to deal with people calling me ‘stupid’ or ‘loser’ anymore. Guess who the losers are now! Dinosaurs are real.”

Generally cryptozoologists agree that Nessie will have cognitive abilities on par with the common salamander, but nobody knows for sure. Keep checking back for updates.

And eaten. That’s right, some locals in the Philipines came across a buttonquail on the island of Luzan and thought enough of it to photograph it (see below, courtesy of National Geographic) before selling it to a market as food. Humans 1, buttonquails 0.

Source

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about bees disappearing by the millions. I’ve been wracking brain for some hours now figuring out why and have gotten nowhere. Nobody knows what happened to those bees and I don’t either. Upon this realization, I sat down in my thinking chair with a cup of honey and set out to find a work-around for the problem. And I did–it took me about 10 seconds. Now that’s smart thinking.

Here’s my idea: adopt a bee. Well, not just one bee–two bees. Exactly two bees, one male and one female. See, I realized that the biggest problem in the bee community is that the dominant queen represses all of the other girl bees keeping all the men to herself. But what if she isn’t fertile? Or what if she dies or disappears? Those girl bees need to know that they’re just as a good as the queen and they can be moms too. There are tons of female bees just sitting around in hives with nothing to do. They aren’t allowed to reproduce with the male bees because the queen said so. We need to free the bees.

I consider myself to be a very reasonable man. I don’t expect everybody to adopt two bees. If there’s about 6.6 billion people people in the world [1] and only 1 out of 100 adopted a pair, we would immediately have about 66 million new couples ready to restore the bee population to its former glory. Now, suppose each female bee were to lay 2000 eggs in the first year (this seems like a lot, but it’s only about one day of egg laying [2]) and only half survived to adult beehood. Then, by the end of the first year, we would have turned 66 million bees into 66 billion. That’s 10 times the human population in just one year. Assuming a male to female ratio of unity, the next year’s bee population would increase to 66 trillion. That number is larger than the gross world product measured in USD [3].

So, there you have it. The bees will be fine but it will take commitment on our part. I suggest that community leaders designate about 0.1% of their subjects as foster bee-parents. The entire community, of course, would be expected to chip in but the primary parents should have the time and means for this monumental task. I plan to assemble a crack team of zoologists, statisticians, botanists (boring) and historians to draw up formal plans and submit them to leading non-profits for review. In particular, we are hoping to win the support of Häagen-Dazs and their Help the Honeybees foundation (http://www.helpthehoneybees.org). All proceeds from Moonscreen sales (http://www.moonscreen.info) will be put toward this noble cause. I suggest readers buy a tube of Moonscreen to protect their skin from harmful moon-rays and our bees from almost-certain extinction.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_population

[2] http://www.main.org/cahbs/cycle.htm

[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gross_world_product

A recent study, published in Science Daily reveals that the now extinct cave bear (Ursus Spelaeus) was not such a wimp after all. Well, we always knew they were hard, but the scientific community has to be “skeptical” about new ideas and “sure” about facts. I’m not sure. I know. I can feel it in my furry little heart.

Anyway, these bad boys were as carnivorous as modern brown bears (grizzlies and Kodiaks), which is what anybody would expect. That’s about all they know for now, but I’ll keep everybody up-to-date.

Don’t believe me?

Ancient Cave Bears Were As Omnivorous As Modern Bears

Cave bears will MESS YOU UP