BEARSCARE

NASA has announced that they plan to release new findings about their search for extraterrestrial intelligence (SETI) on 2 December 2010. Although NASA official are remaining tight lipped on the matter, it is highly likely they will announce that we have been contacted by an otherworldly civilization.

Extraterrestrial life is nothing new; Bearscare.org has reported two separate events concerning astrobiological discoveries (http://www.bearscare.org/2010/01/09/new-alien-discovered-on-mars/ and http://www.bearscare.org/2009/08/16/life-discovered-on-mars/). So, considering little worm-like aliens are old news, my guess is this new discovery is either of a civilization, or, at least, alien dinosaurs.

Check back tomorrow for all the details.

Bảo Lộc, Vietnam — A scientist vacationing in southern Vietnam has discovered a new lizard in one of the most unlikely places. “I was on a quest to find the best Phở in southern Vietnam,” begins Dr. Frederick Garfield, professor emeritus at Christopher Columbus University’s Benson College of Herpetology, “and I had no intention of eating lizard; I gave that up years ago!” It turns out that, as Garfield was browsing the menu at Nam Dinh Diner, he was quite taken with a grilled lizard dish. “They seasoned it with lime, basil and a hint of honey. And no, it didn’t taste like chicken at all. It was so delicious that I asked the chef to show me where the meat had come from.” And the rest is history unfolding in front of our eyes: the first new lizard species in over 120 years.

There are approximately 650 species of reptiles, of which only 22 are lizards. “You wouldn’t think it,” Garfield continued, “but lizards, as a subgroup, are extraordinarily homogenous. The only taxonomoligcal family with fewer distinct species is Hominidae.  But this one, it was the tastiest.”

The interesting thing about Leiolepis ngovantrii, known locally as ngon vật, is that all members of the species are female, just like in Jurassic Park. Unlike Jurassic Park, however, these lizards reproduce through cloning. “The locals explained to me that, upon maturity, an individual is allowed to burrow several feet into a nutrient rich topsoil-compost slurry. After two weeks, a visibly weakened lizard emerges followed, a month later, by an exact, though younger, copy.

“I have already assembled a team of graduate students here at CCU and am raising funds for a trip back to Bảo Lộc. This is the first big herpetological breakthrough of the new millennium and the finest moment of my career,” remarked Dr. Garfield, reclining behind his desk, a snifter of cognac in hand. “I wasted 35 years on snakes. I’m a lizard guy now.”

This is big. A few months back, Bearscare.org was the first to report the discovery of a simple, worm-like organism native to the planet Mars. Well, on Saturday, Spirit, one of two rovers currently on the Mars, came across a bizarre, octopus-esque creature. See below.

Very little is known about the critter, and taxonomists are struggling to think of an appropriate name for it. Although, for internal purposes, NASA has dubbed the alien MO-2, short for Mars Organism 2, it is being called Gregory for the time being, after the technician who first viewed the image.

“I had just gone to the vending machine for a Sprite, and when I returned to my desk I saw this weird picture on my screen. At first I thought it was a prank,” remarked Gregory Boone, a junior technician who was working the graveyard shift. “It sucks working so late, but I guess now it was all worth it. Maybe I can work during the day now,” he continued.

Needless to say, the world is stunned. Opportunity, the other Mars rover, is on its way to rendezvous with Sprit, explains Nils Brodin, a NASA official, “see, at the last minute [before the launch] we realized this might happen. So, we installed a pod onto Opportunity which could be jettisoned and sent back to Earth. It looks very similar to the Apollo capsule, except smaller.” The plan is for Opportunity to scoop Gregory up, place it in the capsule, and send it to Earth to be studied by eager scientists. “We expect Opportunity to arrive in about 3 weeks. In the meantime, we will be trying to figure out what Gregory eats. We want to keep the little guy alive and will be constantly monitoring him through a dedicated video feed from the capsule. It’s going to be tough, though. There’s not much other than rocks and dirt on Mars, so we’re kind of at a loss,” remarked Brodin as he tied his shoe. “This will change everything.”

Brodin also noted that the capsule can travel much faster on the return journey to Earth since it’s much lighter than the capsule the rover was sent it. He said they expect to recover the capsule a few weeks after it has been jettisoned.

Stay tuned for updates.

Scientists examining Google Earth imagery have found proof that the Loch Ness “Monster” is, in fact, real. “It’s a Plesiosaur, for sure. We thought that and it’s nice that we were actually right,” according to Billy “Nibbles” Wilson, a paleontologist and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University. “And there isn’t just one; no, these guys have been breeding for millions of years. The big question is how do we catch one to study.”

Loch Ness Monster surfacing for air

Plesiosaurs are very large, sea faring dinosauric reptiles. They are carnivores and are thought to have preyed on early land mammals. They were thought to have gone extinct along with most other dinosaurs 64,000,000 years ago. The Loch Ness has always been known to have unusually generous biological features, and strange animals have been widely reported since its discovery in 877 AD. The first “monster” sighting was reported in 901 AD by the historian Josephus, who, apparently, saw a “humped beast emerge from the sea and then disappear.” Intrigue has built ever since until now.

“Now my life is complete,” Wilson went on, “and I don’t need to deal with people calling me ‘stupid’ or ‘loser’ anymore. Guess who the losers are now! Dinosaurs are real.”

Generally cryptozoologists agree that Nessie will have cognitive abilities on par with the common salamander, but nobody knows for sure. Keep checking back for updates.

After studying ancient Roman manuscripts, researchers have decided to investigate repeated references to VIAE BIMINAE, or The Roads to the Biminis, a Spanish word from antiquity meaning “Eastern Land”. Surprisingly, the search for the road was very brief. The most logical place to start a search for an ancient bridge from Europe to the New World is the Iberian Peninsula. Brent Braanson of the University Afrikaans of South Africa assembled a team of researchers in Porto, Portugal and began digging. What they found has already gone down in history.

Ancient Roman Map of the Atlantic

They didn’t just find a road; they found foundations of pylons which appear almost modern. This discovery has turned both history and science in their heads. These pylons, which stretch clear across the Atlantic Ocean, once held up a great bridge, the Via Bimina, from Portugal to South Carolina. That’s right. The Romans were in America at least 1,000 years before Leif Ericson and nearly 1,300 years before Columbus.

The Bimini Ruins

The pylons lead to empty land about 30 miles south of Charleston, SC. An excavation there has already uncovered Earth-shaking findings: mugs, skeletons, boat spines and even etchings created by Roman artists over 1,500 years ago. These etchings depict generally peaceful relations with the Native Americans.

What exactly happened to the Roman explorers is currently unknown. Their settlements have vanished, short of the artifacts left underground. It is currently thought that the bridge was destroyed, probably by hurricanes, shortly after it was completed, and only a few Romans made it to the New World and back to tell the story.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of this discovery was a completely different one. During initial dives studying the pylon foundations, scientists discovered foundations consistent with most Roman aqueducts. According to the journal, History, “it has been unequivocally shown that early Roman engineers did build an aqueduct to carry fresh water from North America to Europe. We knew their water was contaminated and we had no idea how they sustained the greatest civilization this world has known,” according to the renowned anthropologist, Gerard McManus.

McManus went on, “today our understanding of the ancients has been, for all intents and purposes, turned upside-down. They knew more than we give them credit for. A new epoch of history has just been discovered and we all need to question our own societal structures; our past isn’t what we think it was. Columbus is a lie.”

That opinion is not that of bearscare.org, though it is very interesting.

The journal, Nature, is reporting that geneticists have discovered that crab claws and eagle talons are genetically identical. According to Dr. Derek Wright’s article,

We were searching for ways in which both species related to their common ancester, the trilobite. We mostly focused on the major organs, but got nowhere. By chance, one of our interns noticed a similarity between x-ray images of the upper bone in the claws of both crabs and eagles. It turns out that, genetically speaking, the crab claw and eagle talon are identical

Actually, it wasn’t just a similarity. The two animals’ claws are indistinguishable to the naked eye, as shown in the image featured in the article, used with permission, below.

Left: crab claw upper bone structure, Right: eagle talon upper bone structure

Dr. Wright continued,

Today is a new day for science. A bird and crustacean sharing an entire body part? This has never been observed in written history. Now that we know that entire bone structures can survive one billion years of evolution, we can examine even human features, particularly those in the wrists and ankles. The holy grail of science has always been to connect humans to a common ancestor, often theorized to be the trilobite, but we’ve never even come close to realizing this dream. My guess is that in 1,000 years, no one will even care who invented the airplane because this will be, by far, the greatest contribution to science since the discovery of the wheel. I’m serious.

Early reactions to the controversial article have mostly been very positive. “I can not believe we overlooked this,” remarked Gerd Levensen. “We spent years looking for similarities in the brain. The claw? It’s so simple.”

Congratulations to Dr. Wright and his team. We hope to get an interview soon.

I should have been all over this when I first heard about it, but it took the following headline to get my attention:

Bat Hitches Ride to Space on Shuttle Discovery

Before the space shuttle took off, NASA noticed the bat clinging to the huge fuel tank. After determining that it wouldn’t pose a threat to the shuttle’s fragile fire-retardant tiles, the launch proceeded as scheduled, with bat proponents among the NASA ranks hoping and praying the little critter would realize its peril and fly away. “The poor little guy just didn’t know what was about to hit him,” remarked Joe Higgins, a camera operator working for NASA. “We were all rooting for him, and we just hope wherever he is…well, we hope he’s somewhere better. Somewhere better than an orange fuel tank engulfed in rocket exhaust.”

The boar-croc is an ancient animal which shares characteristics of both crocodiles (large alligators) and wild pigs, such as boars. The animal was discovered in early January but only announced Sunday. The discovery was kept secret to allow a multinational team of zoologists to conduct a thorough survey of current crocodile and pig species to make sure this animal is not a threat. Fortunately, it was found that the boar-croc was most likely killed off in North America by Spanish colonialists in the 17th Century. “The current threat status to humans and other crocodiles is negligible,” remarked the beast’s discoverer, Paul Sereno. “We are much more concerned with other, exotic crocodilian variants”

The boar-croc along with a multinational team of researchers

Source: http://www.examiner.com/r-6589195~The__Boar_Croc__dined_on_dinosaurs.html

“Make calamari out of him!”, my wife SCREAMED when she saw this video. I think he’s kind of sweet and probably poisonous. This little fellow was discovered by a remote controlled submarine owned by the Shell oil company and has been baffling cryptozoologists since.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJV5mH3YY70]
Gross.

Abstract: A bunch of scientists went to Asia to look for animals. They found some new ones in the Mekong River which runs through China, Burma, Vietnam and some other countries. The pictures are pretty gross.

I    Introduction

It happened again: spiders bigger than dinner plates. A recent discovery yielded several new species of animals which are shown right here.

II   Findings

Figure 1   Scary green snake

Figure 2    Striped rabbit

Figure 3   Creepy millipede

Figure 4   A SPIDER THE SIZE OF A DINNER PLATE

III   Analysis

This animals are pretty creepy, but overall I’m glad they were discovered. The snake is pretty sweet and I bet it tries to eat the rabbit. I think the rabbit is kind of stupid and definitely not very cute. The millipede is gross.

IV   Conclusions

I really just care about that enormous spider. It sends shivers down my back just thinking about it.