BEARSCARE

One of the most interesting and rarest behaviors of the Great White Shark has been filmed for the first time (ever). An exceptionally large speciman washed ashore in New York, NY, and was observed by local beach goers.

“He bit right through it,” commented Silvie LeFramboise, “At first I was going to touch it, but then I found a stick. It was a good thing I did.” It’s a little known fact that over 60% of Great White Shark attacks actually take place on dry land; unsuspecting beach goers approach the giant killers thinking they’ve washed ashore dead, only to learn that the shark is very much alive and, as always, hunting. Ms. LeFramboise was lucky to escape with her life. “They said if I had been a step closer, I wouldn’t have made it. I feel more alive now than I ever have. I’m going to quit my job.”

Rod Fink Jr., however, was not so lucky. The up and coming paper entrepreneur had been vacationing in Sydney, Australia and had decided to try his hand at surfing one day. After not catching the first wave he went after, he paddled out for another try. “That was the last I saw of him. Paddling,” remarked Fink Sr., who saw the footage on youtube, “But this youtube thing is incredible. How long has it been around? Oh, but with Rod Jr., it was a really unfitting end. Really just a shame.” The paddling was actually just the last known footage of Fink. It turns out that after several unsuccessful tries, he began sulking on the beach. Eventually, he came upon a Great White Shark sunning itself. Still itching to assert his dominance over the sea, Fink crouched down in front of the giant fish and began to speak. No sooner had he opened his mouth had the shark done the same. And that was that.

You’re going to be hearing about this one a lot, so remember you heard it here first.

Here’s what happened. Some kids were walking down the Montauk beach (that’s in New York, USA) and they found this horrible creature:

No one is really sure who or what it is. Some say it’s a turtle without its shell, but that’s stupid. Others say it’s a dog. Idiots. It’s clear to me this is either a new species or a hybrid, with the latter being most likely. Case closed.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnYy93n69JY&NR=1]

It is never funny when a whale dies. Whales are large, powerful and beautiful. They should be celebrated and respected. But, unfortunately, they die eventually. Our largest cousins usually just sink to the ocean floor after they pass, but occasionally there’s an unplanned wake on the beach.

That is exactly what happened in Florence, OR one sunny afternoon. On 12 November, 1970, a huge sperm whale was just sitting, dead, on the beach. Because of the rarity of beached whales there, nobody was prepared to deal with the corpse. So it was decided to follow in the footsteps of the great minds of the modern era and solve this problem like men, like AMERICANS. Half a ton of dynamite. Damn straight.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1_t44siFyb4&rel=1]

No one knows if whales drift towards shore with their last dying strokes. I do know this for sure, though: if I were given the choice of sinking to the ocean floor to be eaten by clams or squid vs. being BLOWN UP AND CRUSHING A CAR, I would choose the latter. What about you?