BEARSCARE

You may have seen headlines about a mysterious “blob” floating in the Arctic Ocean around the Berring Straight in Alaska. What you may not know, however, is that there is no mystery to this blob. First, though, here’s a picture of the blob.

Scientists are no strangers to strange “blobs” and references to such organisms go back past Aristotle. Currently, “we know more than you might think about these things,” explains Werner Lindenberg, a professor at Radford University. “We know the great blob is made up of billions of smaller organisms; worms, actually.” Lindenberg went on to describe an intricate system in which millions of round worms (see below) involuntarily swarm together. “They don’t do it on purpose. Well, they can’t; they just aren’t smart enough. But they induce the behavior in each other and, as a group, have been shown to possess intelligence rivaling that of a medium sized mammal, such as a rabbit or fox.”

Presently, the blob is floating through the Berring Straight and both scientists and government officials are concerned it may stay close to the coast and enter the Puget Sound. “Oh yeah, FEMA knows. We alerted them to this thing a week ago,” replied Amos McMillan, a Washington State Coast Guard spokesman. He went on to explain that, apparently, President Oabama has assigned Vice President Biden to run a taskforce within FEMA to make sure that the “Katrina fiasco” isn’t repeated. “That was just a hurricane,” a figure claimed to be Biden says on a videotape provided by McMillan, “these are worms. They are alive and there’s more of them than us. We will use whatever force is necessary to acheive a satisfactory conclusion to this threat. No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that.”

"No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that." -Joe Biden

That’s all we know right now, so keep checking back for more updates.

This has been a great summer for the bears. Two black bear attacks (one fatality), me seeing black bears, a baby bear with burned feet . . . and now this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAPuwp2tsIU]

Here’s how my mornings start. I wake up, fall back asleep, wake up again and look out the window for bears. But guess what? I never see them–lame. I would kill to live somewhere where this could happen (like Alaska).

Recently, there has been a dearth of relevant animal news. This all changed when we were contacted by a leading arctozoologist who is very concerned about the survival of polar bears in the rapidly changing environment. The scientist asked that we only refer to him as “Dr. P” because he fears for his own and his team’s safety amidst uprisings spawned from the “vast, irreversible effect my ideas will have on the American populace”. So, Dr. P it is.

“Fewer bears are having fewer cubs. Many female bears choose not to take a mate but once every three to four years,” Dr. P wrote. He claims that the data he has collected over the last two years indicates that the polar bear population in the Arctic is dwindling exponentially and he expects there to be only a handful of mating pairs by the end of 2009. “Immediate action must be taken”.

In the correspondence we received, which will not be published because Dr. P’s full identity would be determined even by the most simple, he detailed a radical plan to re-home a core population of 10,000-12,000 bears in Ohio immediately with more individuals arriving by the thousand every two months. He says the idea hit him like a “400 pound seal” while reading reports of record snowfall in the USA.

“Sure, there isn’t a natural food source for large predators in Ohio. I know that. And I know that some house-hold pets and stranded motorists may go missing. But the naysayers are looking at this all in the wrong way. If there’s anything history has taught us, it’s that sacrifice is necessary and healthy. Plus, we would replace all pets. Often with better ones,” Dr. P wrote.

Although his plans are still coming together, this influential (among arctozoologic circles) scientist felt the idea should be broached to the public so that the “strongest academic minds might engage in civilized debate followed by a planning and implementation process”. Calculations we were shown indicate that polar bears could be restored to prehistoric levels within the decade. “It is my belief that whether we like it or not, we are at the cusp of a new age. The Bear Age.”

I was looking for good pictures of Kodiak Bears today and I ran across this link. Every last one of those cowards deserves to get eaten by a bear for this.