BEARSCARE

On Friday, an airplane landed on an airstrip about 20 miles outside Chicago which, apparently, was piloted by a wild Grizzly bear. “We really don’t know what happened,” explained Roger Williams, a local police officer. “When we arrived at the airstrip, we could clearly see the bear in the cockpit and he was exteremely agitated. He was clawing at the windshield, which was getting pretty foggy.”

US Airways flight 1451 last radioed O’Hare Airport at 4:40 PM when the pilot requested permission to initiate the Boeing 757′s final approach. And “then he clicked off and the aircraft veered to the south,” remarked Jose Ramirez, the air traffic controller managing flight 1451. Ramirez went on, “I repeatedly tried to radio the pilot, but there was no response. I contacted the FBI and they said that they would give the situation top priority. I guess it wasn’t such a big deal and it’s a miracle they found that airstrip.” Later, when Mr. Ramirez was informed about the bear being the pilot, he sat down and refused to comment further.

When all the passengers had been evacuated, seasoned animal handlers opened the cockpit and subdued the bear; the pilot was nowhere to be found. A statement released by an official from the FAA, who asked to remain anonymous, read, “if, in fact, the pilot did disappear into thin air, then this bear is a hero. We have performed x-rays on the bear, and all we’ve found has been a dozen snack packs and a few apple juice containers. Look, we have no idea how this happened. We don’t know how the bear got onto the plane in the first place, we don’t know where the pilot is or when he left the cockpit, and we have no idea how the bear manipulated the controls. I mean, he had to press switches that were much, much smaller than his paw. Imagine typing on a keyboard with a plunger and that keyboard was responsible for the lives of over 100 people. Amazing. I still haven’t wrapped my head around this one.”

According to White House officials, President Obama was “literally seconds away from scrambling jets to engage and destroy the rogue airplane.” The White House has not released an official statement, but a press conference has been planned for 7:30 PM EST.

Scientists examining Google Earth imagery have found proof that the Loch Ness “Monster” is, in fact, real. “It’s a Plesiosaur, for sure. We thought that and it’s nice that we were actually right,” according to Billy “Nibbles” Wilson, a paleontologist and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University. “And there isn’t just one; no, these guys have been breeding for millions of years. The big question is how do we catch one to study.”

Loch Ness Monster surfacing for air

Plesiosaurs are very large, sea faring dinosauric reptiles. They are carnivores and are thought to have preyed on early land mammals. They were thought to have gone extinct along with most other dinosaurs 64,000,000 years ago. The Loch Ness has always been known to have unusually generous biological features, and strange animals have been widely reported since its discovery in 877 AD. The first “monster” sighting was reported in 901 AD by the historian Josephus, who, apparently, saw a “humped beast emerge from the sea and then disappear.” Intrigue has built ever since until now.

“Now my life is complete,” Wilson went on, “and I don’t need to deal with people calling me ‘stupid’ or ‘loser’ anymore. Guess who the losers are now! Dinosaurs are real.”

Generally cryptozoologists agree that Nessie will have cognitive abilities on par with the common salamander, but nobody knows for sure. Keep checking back for updates.

After studying ancient Roman manuscripts, researchers have decided to investigate repeated references to VIAE BIMINAE, or The Roads to the Biminis, a Spanish word from antiquity meaning “Eastern Land”. Surprisingly, the search for the road was very brief. The most logical place to start a search for an ancient bridge from Europe to the New World is the Iberian Peninsula. Brent Braanson of the University Afrikaans of South Africa assembled a team of researchers in Porto, Portugal and began digging. What they found has already gone down in history.

Ancient Roman Map of the Atlantic

They didn’t just find a road; they found foundations of pylons which appear almost modern. This discovery has turned both history and science in their heads. These pylons, which stretch clear across the Atlantic Ocean, once held up a great bridge, the Via Bimina, from Portugal to South Carolina. That’s right. The Romans were in America at least 1,000 years before Leif Ericson and nearly 1,300 years before Columbus.

The Bimini Ruins

The pylons lead to empty land about 30 miles south of Charleston, SC. An excavation there has already uncovered Earth-shaking findings: mugs, skeletons, boat spines and even etchings created by Roman artists over 1,500 years ago. These etchings depict generally peaceful relations with the Native Americans.

What exactly happened to the Roman explorers is currently unknown. Their settlements have vanished, short of the artifacts left underground. It is currently thought that the bridge was destroyed, probably by hurricanes, shortly after it was completed, and only a few Romans made it to the New World and back to tell the story.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of this discovery was a completely different one. During initial dives studying the pylon foundations, scientists discovered foundations consistent with most Roman aqueducts. According to the journal, History, “it has been unequivocally shown that early Roman engineers did build an aqueduct to carry fresh water from North America to Europe. We knew their water was contaminated and we had no idea how they sustained the greatest civilization this world has known,” according to the renowned anthropologist, Gerard McManus.

McManus went on, “today our understanding of the ancients has been, for all intents and purposes, turned upside-down. They knew more than we give them credit for. A new epoch of history has just been discovered and we all need to question our own societal structures; our past isn’t what we think it was. Columbus is a lie.”

That opinion is not that of bearscare.org, though it is very interesting.

On Sunday, the International Martian Imagery Analysis Institute (IMIAI) announced they had confirmed that a series of stills and video clips they had been studying for two months does in face depict a worm-like creature moving through the Martian soil. The imagery was obtained by MER-B Opportunity, one of two robots operated by NASA on Mars. NASA has yet to comment on the finding, but experts almost unanimously agree with the conclusion reached by the IMIAI.

"Slinky" the Martian Worm

“Today we know that we are not alone,” remarked IMIAI chair, Lynne Swarsky. “Our organization has been devoted to the search for Martian life and now we know it was all worthwhile.” The creature discovered on Mars, nicknamed “Slinky”, looks very similar to Earthly tape worms. “It’s not a coincidence at all,” clarified Lawrence Wright, a geneticist and professor and James Madison University in Virgina. “The hardest part in evolution is getting from molecules to living organisms. These organisms are extremely simple and, next to a single celled creature, the tape worm is about the simplest. Think of it as the fundamental building block of  life.” Wright went on to explain that, given ideal conditions, we could expect to be observing more complex life on Mars, such as mammalian-type creatures, within the century.

There is no data suggesting whether the specimen discovered on Mars is carbon-based, like most life on Earth, but it is expected that NASA will fast-track a manned mission to Mars to collect samples. There is no reason to believe that these Martian worms could be a threat to our planet at the time, but it is very important to know for sure. I will be writing my congressman to voice my concerns and encourage a “yes” vote on allocating funds to send a collection mission to Mars and I suggest my readers do the same.

“First we found water and now this! Next thing you know, there will be little green animals with three eyes just like we always dreamed,” concluded Swarsky in the statement released by the IMIAI. Today is truly an exciting day, but we just need to approach the matter with caution.

The journal, Nature, is reporting that geneticists have discovered that crab claws and eagle talons are genetically identical. According to Dr. Derek Wright’s article,

We were searching for ways in which both species related to their common ancester, the trilobite. We mostly focused on the major organs, but got nowhere. By chance, one of our interns noticed a similarity between x-ray images of the upper bone in the claws of both crabs and eagles. It turns out that, genetically speaking, the crab claw and eagle talon are identical

Actually, it wasn’t just a similarity. The two animals’ claws are indistinguishable to the naked eye, as shown in the image featured in the article, used with permission, below.

Left: crab claw upper bone structure, Right: eagle talon upper bone structure

Dr. Wright continued,

Today is a new day for science. A bird and crustacean sharing an entire body part? This has never been observed in written history. Now that we know that entire bone structures can survive one billion years of evolution, we can examine even human features, particularly those in the wrists and ankles. The holy grail of science has always been to connect humans to a common ancestor, often theorized to be the trilobite, but we’ve never even come close to realizing this dream. My guess is that in 1,000 years, no one will even care who invented the airplane because this will be, by far, the greatest contribution to science since the discovery of the wheel. I’m serious.

Early reactions to the controversial article have mostly been very positive. “I can not believe we overlooked this,” remarked Gerd Levensen. “We spent years looking for similarities in the brain. The claw? It’s so simple.”

Congratulations to Dr. Wright and his team. We hope to get an interview soon.

I think that, in general, this website is fairly “clean”. This is no accident; the world out there is full of depravity and I prefer for my readers to not have to worry about finding it here. Unfortunately, however, I story came to my attention about which it would be irresponsible for me not to write. I apologize if I shock anyone, and parents or anyone who is easily offended are hereby advised to leave this website and look at something else animal-related.

Last week, Deedee Foster of Ola, Arkansas, was making her evening rounds at her farm. As she approached the last barn, she, “immediately felt uneasy,” Mrs. Foster explained. “It’s a good thing I carry the gun when I do my rounds. Bud’s been laid up with a bum leg for 17 years now and I learned long ago to carry protection. I’ve scared away teenagers, pumas, bears and hobos, but I’ve never seen anything like this.” What Mrs. Foster saw was a man, later identified as Duke Sherwood, a local fire hydrant technician, engaging in an obscene act with one of Foster’s horses. “Oh, he stopped right away. I called the police and veterinarian. I knew if Beebe got elected things like this would start happening!” Gov. Mark Beebe (D) could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman assured members of the press that he was disgusted with the story and does not condone “that sort of thing”.

Deedee Foster standing guard over her horse, Pups

According to the International Horse Action and Protection Alliance (IHAPA), inappropriate horse related events have been on the rise in recent months. “You know, when the economy tanks, people have less money to do the things they want to do. They go looking for cheap thrills,” explained Robin Berkhalter, IHAPA public relations director. IHAPA was formed in during the 1930s due to a rash of similar offenses.

Source: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,535400,00.html

You may have seen headlines about a mysterious “blob” floating in the Arctic Ocean around the Berring Straight in Alaska. What you may not know, however, is that there is no mystery to this blob. First, though, here’s a picture of the blob.

Scientists are no strangers to strange “blobs” and references to such organisms go back past Aristotle. Currently, “we know more than you might think about these things,” explains Werner Lindenberg, a professor at Radford University. “We know the great blob is made up of billions of smaller organisms; worms, actually.” Lindenberg went on to describe an intricate system in which millions of round worms (see below) involuntarily swarm together. “They don’t do it on purpose. Well, they can’t; they just aren’t smart enough. But they induce the behavior in each other and, as a group, have been shown to possess intelligence rivaling that of a medium sized mammal, such as a rabbit or fox.”

Presently, the blob is floating through the Berring Straight and both scientists and government officials are concerned it may stay close to the coast and enter the Puget Sound. “Oh yeah, FEMA knows. We alerted them to this thing a week ago,” replied Amos McMillan, a Washington State Coast Guard spokesman. He went on to explain that, apparently, President Oabama has assigned Vice President Biden to run a taskforce within FEMA to make sure that the “Katrina fiasco” isn’t repeated. “That was just a hurricane,” a figure claimed to be Biden says on a videotape provided by McMillan, “these are worms. They are alive and there’s more of them than us. We will use whatever force is necessary to acheive a satisfactory conclusion to this threat. No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that.”

"No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that." -Joe Biden

That’s all we know right now, so keep checking back for more updates.

While I was conducting Walrus related research, I came upone this film strip of a Walrus playing a saxaphone along side a human being. I had no idea they were this intelligent.

Also, here’s a video of a mother walrus and a baby walrus. It is a little known fact that walruses and bears have a mutually respectful relationship. Although they are competitors for food, it is a friendly rivalry. Walruses and bears have even been observed sharing resources during particulaly cold or sparse winters.

BREAKING NEWS

An unconfirmed report has come in that J. K. Rowling, author of the popular book series, Harry Potter, has been severly mauled by either a bear or mountain lion (or both) in Yellowstone Park. No one is sure what she was doing there, but there has been speculation that she was visiting while on vacation for some wizard trickery. The reports are still spotty, but sources say that the first emergency calls came in around 2 PM, Mountain Time, on Wednesday, July 15.

“What? No, it can’t be. No. No, no! No,” responded Wallace Kippering, one of Rowling’s attorneys. Although the report has yet to be confirmed, Harry Potter fans are already congregating at schools and forest clearings to say goodbye to Rowling in their own way. “First we cast a circle out of salt and then we built a fire and, and then magic spells.” Explained one fan, asked only to be identified as Ron. “She’ll live on if we get this right. I know it,” continued Ron who then turned to another friend and yelled something in the Harry’s wizard language.

Last known photograph of Pure Blood Wizardess Rowling

The attack couldn’t have come at a less convenient time for Rowling. The latest in the Harry Potter series of movies, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, was released Wednesday and has been getting so-so reviews. “As if it weren’t bad enough the movie’s no good, now Rowling is gone. We didn’t need this,” remarked Carl Baker, an unofficial spokesman for Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. “This was the important one. We’ll never sell tickets if we can’t get [Rowling] out to the theaters to drum up support,” continued Baker, who then hailed a cab. “If it’s true,” he yelled back, “then she went down doing what she loved! Witchcraft in the woods!”

One of the most interesting and rarest behaviors of the Great White Shark has been filmed for the first time (ever). An exceptionally large speciman washed ashore in New York, NY, and was observed by local beach goers.

“He bit right through it,” commented Silvie LeFramboise, “At first I was going to touch it, but then I found a stick. It was a good thing I did.” It’s a little known fact that over 60% of Great White Shark attacks actually take place on dry land; unsuspecting beach goers approach the giant killers thinking they’ve washed ashore dead, only to learn that the shark is very much alive and, as always, hunting. Ms. LeFramboise was lucky to escape with her life. “They said if I had been a step closer, I wouldn’t have made it. I feel more alive now than I ever have. I’m going to quit my job.”

Rod Fink Jr., however, was not so lucky. The up and coming paper entrepreneur had been vacationing in Sydney, Australia and had decided to try his hand at surfing one day. After not catching the first wave he went after, he paddled out for another try. “That was the last I saw of him. Paddling,” remarked Fink Sr., who saw the footage on youtube, “But this youtube thing is incredible. How long has it been around? Oh, but with Rod Jr., it was a really unfitting end. Really just a shame.” The paddling was actually just the last known footage of Fink. It turns out that after several unsuccessful tries, he began sulking on the beach. Eventually, he came upon a Great White Shark sunning itself. Still itching to assert his dominance over the sea, Fink crouched down in front of the giant fish and began to speak. No sooner had he opened his mouth had the shark done the same. And that was that.