BEARSCARE

Three blizzards have hit my home in the last couple months, and I’m very concerned about a hazard to public safety that no news outlets have reported. The Yeti, or the more commonly known, anglicized version, The Abominable Snowman, is a rare hominid which inhabits the colder reaches of our planet. Although it is estimated that 95% of Yetis live in Greenland, populations are believed to exist as far south as British Columbia, in Canada, and as far north as the southernmost regions of Chile. Photographs and video of Yetis have never been verified since the organism has never been properly studied; it’s trivial to make an image of a human-like animal in the woods and so, historically, it’s been very difficult to isolate the fakes from real evidence.

The Yeti, unlike a conventional human, averages roughly 2 meters (6.6 feet) in height and roughly 150 kg (330 lbs) in mass. Yetis are primarily carnivorous, though they rely on tree bark for fiber to facilitate digestion an primitive algae growth on rocks for essential vitamins and minerals. Their primary prey is cloven hoofed animals, including Roe Deer and the common swine. Yetis, on average, require 2-3 kg of meat per day to survive; studies concerning their vegetarian needs have been inadequate and lacking, and the scientific community has yet to reach any consensus regarding such dietary requirements.

Documented human interactions with Yetis are nearly non-existent. Most encounters exist in folk-lore and not verifiable literature. It is generally understood throughout the community that the lack of evidence reflects poorly on the reliability of the collectors rather than the scientists; individuals who are in position to interact with Yetis rarely possess the presence of mind to accurately document these encounters. And so the Yeti, in any official sense, remains a mystery. I urge all East Coast residents to keep their eyes open for our majestic, furry cousins; we may never understand aliens, but at least Yetis are within our grasp.

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, a giant panda was removed by the People’s Republic of China from the National Zoo in Washington, DC. The panda, named Tai Shan, by popular vote, was the first of the species to be born on America soil and is considered by many to have citizen status. The PRC laid claim on Tai Shan, however, arguing primarily that, since Tai Shan’s parents where in Washington on loan, he inherited Chinese ownership.

“Look, we really didn’t want to rock the boat,” commented Raul Jimenez, an unofficial White House spokesman. He continued, “you bet they were up late evaluating options. Apparently some very high ranking officials used strong, sometimes vulgar, language in expressing their disapproval over the deal.” Although Mr. Jimenez would not comment as to whether President Obama or his family were involved in the discussions, he did quote the president as stating “all options are still on the table, people, including complete, resolute and absolute refusal to turn over Tai Shan,” at around 8 PM Wednesday night.

Tai Shan will be missed. An unworthy tribute follows:

Goodbye, Tai Shan; we will miss you. Spread the American Dream in your new home.

When I go out on my expeditions into the harshest environments (The Badlands, Antarctica, the Gobi, etc.), I travel light. But I also travel strong. The Cold Steel SRK is a knife which can do the following: cut through a car hood, serve as a ladder, open a can of peaches, DESTROY a parachute, stab right through body armor and into somebody, cut open boots, and even cut a fire hose. Don’t believe me? Look at this video, then do yourself a favor and buy one.

14 January 2010

Yesterday, a hippo escaped the Montenegro National Zoo (MNZ). Heavy rains had flooded the zoo and water levels rose above cage walls, allowing Nikica the hippo to swim to his destiny.

“I will not the make a kill,” remarked Nikoli Sregev, NMZ central administrator. “The hippo…the gentle creature…eat a rat or mini bird. We make this kill? Unaccept.”

Generally, hippos shouldn’t be approached, though some suggest that they are among the gentler cow derivatives. Hippopotami will kill humans, but they usually have good reason; bulls have traditionally felt threatened by encroaching hominids, and this legacy still stands. Please, keep a conservative distance when hippo-gazing.

This is big. A few months back, Bearscare.org was the first to report the discovery of a simple, worm-like organism native to the planet Mars. Well, on Saturday, Spirit, one of two rovers currently on the Mars, came across a bizarre, octopus-esque creature. See below.

Very little is known about the critter, and taxonomists are struggling to think of an appropriate name for it. Although, for internal purposes, NASA has dubbed the alien MO-2, short for Mars Organism 2, it is being called Gregory for the time being, after the technician who first viewed the image.

“I had just gone to the vending machine for a Sprite, and when I returned to my desk I saw this weird picture on my screen. At first I thought it was a prank,” remarked Gregory Boone, a junior technician who was working the graveyard shift. “It sucks working so late, but I guess now it was all worth it. Maybe I can work during the day now,” he continued.

Needless to say, the world is stunned. Opportunity, the other Mars rover, is on its way to rendezvous with Sprit, explains Nils Brodin, a NASA official, “see, at the last minute [before the launch] we realized this might happen. So, we installed a pod onto Opportunity which could be jettisoned and sent back to Earth. It looks very similar to the Apollo capsule, except smaller.” The plan is for Opportunity to scoop Gregory up, place it in the capsule, and send it to Earth to be studied by eager scientists. “We expect Opportunity to arrive in about 3 weeks. In the meantime, we will be trying to figure out what Gregory eats. We want to keep the little guy alive and will be constantly monitoring him through a dedicated video feed from the capsule. It’s going to be tough, though. There’s not much other than rocks and dirt on Mars, so we’re kind of at a loss,” remarked Brodin as he tied his shoe. “This will change everything.”

Brodin also noted that the capsule can travel much faster on the return journey to Earth since it’s much lighter than the capsule the rover was sent it. He said they expect to recover the capsule a few weeks after it has been jettisoned.

Stay tuned for updates.

A California city, Monrovia (sounds a little Eastern Bloc, to me) , is reporting an unusually high number of bears in its neighborhoods. “City leaders have asked their staff to look into ways to limit bear activity in neighborhoods, including possibly mandating bear-proof trash cans and limiting how long residents can leave their trash cans out,” reports the LA Times.

“It just ain’t right,” remarks local outdoorsman and wildlife enthusiast Jeb Gimble, “it’s always been this way here. [Monrovians] have always lived peacefully along side our bears. It’s these modern kids movin’ in who are causing the trouble. Bears are normal here. I mean, look at the California flag! I call BS.”

Local officials have not released any official statement as to any new citywide bear policy, but locals fear for the worse, explains Rhonda McPhee, “I just don’t know. I feed them, I care for them. I even take the cubs in during the winter. If they go, I go.” It’s always sad when bears get turned away and I really hope the Monrovian government halts its erosion of historically precedented bear rights.

Big news! Our parent organization, from whom we get the vast majority of our funding, has finally launched an internet version of their printed journal. Check it out here: http://www.ursalography.org.

6 December 2009

On Sunday, French president Nicolas Sarkozy delivered the terrible news that one France’s most cherished citizens, possibly among the finest French ever to grace this planet, has tragically passed on. Out of respect to Kiki, here is the short and teary address given by President Sarkozy in its entirety:

And the translation:

A fitting, though necessarily inadequate, tribute to a true hero. Kiki has captured the hearts of men, women and children the world over since his birth in the mid-19th Century. His rise to fame occurred through a strange coincidence: on a Sunday afternoon in May, 1861, a three month old tortoise came upon a litter of St. Bernard puppies whose culling had failed. The puppies were trapped in a burlap sack which was caught against a rock in an eddy. Legend has it that Kiki, who, as a tortoise, could not swim, entered the turbulent stream and dragged the sack of puppies to safety and then nurtured them for over three weeks. Eventually, a Darwinian naturalist came upon the new family and, stunned, wrote an earth-shattering article for the newly created journal, Nature. Well, that article propelled that journal onto the world stage and immediately solidified Kiki’s position as a French institution. The king immediately prepared a dwelling for the heroic reptile in les-jardin-public-magnifique-égalien, the official state zoo of France. There he resided for the duration of his legendary years. It is believed that Kiki sired over 600 hatchlings with no fewer than 124 willing mistresses. His passion was heard and celebrated from all corners of Paris. The rumor that he once propositioned and attempted follow-through with a wheelbarrow is a slanderous lie propagated by Kiki’s enemies.

Kiki’s death has been ruled to be through natural causes, though some allege swine flu while still other conspiracy theorists suspect Basque separatist involvement. No matter what the cause, France has lost its finest asset; and, although the French parliament is currently debating creating a new holiday in his remembrance, on 6 December 2009,  France took a sizable step down in the eyes of its peers.

Kiki was buried Tuesday in the same cemetery as René Descartes, La Terre Sacrée Des Héros, in the north-eastern quadrant of Paris.

Just in: Scientists have discovered an asteroid which nearly annihilated life as we know it on planet Earth during a close fly-by. “We knew about it roughly 2 hours prior to impact,” said Dustin Forester, a NASA dispatcher who was first alerted to the threat by an anonymous amateur astronomer. He continued, “what, we were going to call CNN? No, we got on the red phone to the White House, but that’s it. Didn’t you see ‘Armageddon’? That was just a movie. Imagine what people would actually do.”

President Obama learning of imminent threat

After the brief phone interview, we asked the White House for comment. Will Bridges, the Obama Administration’s Press Secretary for Astronomical Anomalies (WHPSAA), gave the following statement: “The President was advised of the danger and was deeply troubled. He did open the vault protecting The Button, but he erred on the side of caution. Yes, we could have done something, but at what cost? The probability of the foreign body hitting our planet was less than 1 in 1,000,000, but the probability of causing mass hysteria from using The Button was 100%. What would you have done?”

2009 VA, the planet killer

The asteroid has been named by astronomers “2009 VA”. It is approximately 100 miles across and is thought to weigh about 1/100,000 the mass of Earth. “It’s a planet killer,” remarked Ron Bingham, an astronomy major at Virginia Commonwealth University, “if it had impacted, we’d all be doomed. Have you ever heard of ‘nuclear winter’? Yeah, it’s like that. This is worse than the rock that took out the dinosaurs over 60 million years ago.”

Astronomers aren’t sure yet whether our planet’s gravity will slingshot* the rock back around to impact us in the future. They’ve estimated that there’s only a 12% chance that this may occur, which isn’t satisfying AT ALL to me. So, keep checking back for end of the world updates.

*Referenced from the film “Apollo 13″

You may have thought that terrorism is limited to human beings, but this is proof that some bears have been recruited to commit hate crimes. In this case, a Syrian bear killed a common brown bear in cold blood at a zoo in Germany. No one is sure of the motive, but the bear is in custody. Funeral plans have not been announced for the victim.

Personally, I believe both bears are victims. What sicko put this bear up to such a horrible crime? I mean, this has made the news worldwide, so, to whoever crafted this atrocity, congratulations, we’re all REALLY impressed. You forced one innocent bear to kill another. This is absolutely disgusting.