“The problem is,” continues Hinson, “their metabolisms actually adapt to their surroundings. Now we’ve got a lot of hogs in Biscayne County, so the snakes eat more of them. It’s a vicious cycle. And I do mean vicious.” The concern, stated Hinson, is that once the food supply is exhausted, the pythons will turn their beady eyes and forked tongues toward the human population. Several disappearances are expected to be the result of python attacks. “Yup, it’s already started. We’ve had half a dozen swamp people go missing in the last month alone,” remarked Hinson.

Fang Mueller is currently incarcerated in the Sarasota State Penitentiary. He generally declines requests from the press, but did release this statement last week:

“A lot of people are asking me if I regret my illegal activities. The answer is no. I regret getting caught. When buyers were plentiful, I was making a lot of money off those snakes. It was the American dream. And then they stopped buying them because they got all sentimental when the snakes started eating pets. What did you expect? So there I was with over 200 pythons. I had to do something, so I dumped them in the damn swamp. So shoot me! It’s what any last one of you would have done.”

Mueller was convicted of illegal snake smuggling in 2005 and, under Florida’s strict snake laws, was sentenced to 60 years in prison. He will be eligible for parole in 2018.

]]> http://www.bearscare.org/2012/01/30/burmese-pythons-eating-floridas-wildlife/feed/ 0 http://www.bearscare.org/2012/01/29/the-coconut-crab/ http://www.bearscare.org/2012/01/29/the-coconut-crab/#comments Sun, 29 Jan 2012 23:20:12 +0000 arcticaribou http://www.bearscare.org/?p=623 The Coconut Crab is the largest terrestrial arthropod in existence. On average, it weighs 4-5 kg and its legspan is around 70 cm, with the body itself 30-40 cm in diameter. Coconut crabs feed primarily on fruits and nuts, including the tropical coconut for which they are named, but will also eat lizards, birds, fish and the occasional small monkey.

It has been widely reported that these crabs, when hunting in a pack, can immobilize and consume a human. Although many arthropologists dispute this claim, tour guides generally discourage interaction with Coconut Crabs. “They will bite your foot off,” states Juan Calypso, a tour guide and naturalist operating in the Maldives island chain. “This one time, my friend, Jose, he wanted to catch one. The crab saw him coming and called his friends. The crabs charged Jose and nearly bit off all his fingers. If I hadn’t been there, they would have killed him. He spent two years in a hospital, but he’s OK now, thank God.”

A contrasting view, however, is held by Dr. Gilbert Humphrey, an adjunct professor of Arthropodal Studies at Yale University. “I have several pet Cokies,” remarked Humphrey, while puffing on a corncob pipe. “I let them crawl on my face or wherever. One time Rosco tried to crack my head like a coconut, but he didn’t get real far. I love the little guys.”

There is evidence sufficient for concern that coconut crabs are venomous. Trace amounts of neurotoxins have been detected in their nests. It is believed that the poison may be delivered through small tubes in the crabs’ retractable fangs and claws. Some males also feature a scorpion-like stinger thought to deliver venom.

Coconut Crabs rarely approach humans, but they do show a marked interest in human settlements. Crabs have often invaded trashcans, dumpsters and even restaurants, in search of both coconut and non-coconut food sources. The International Zoological Society (ZSI) has recommended 4-foot concrete barriers around any commercial food sources to prevent contamination from coconut crabs.

The Coconut Crab recently enjoyed a huge rise in notoriety after an individual successfully climbed Raul Castro’s personal yacht and attempted to sneak off with a coconut. Mr. Castro’s publicist provided little detail as to what ensued other than that the crab was unsuccessful and is “no longer a threat to la seguridad nacional Cubana“.

Recently, a purported video of American Vice President Joe Biden surfaced on the internet featuring Mr. Biden extolling the virtues of the Coconut Crab, but it was later determined to be a hoax. The Vice President has been seen, however, becoming visibly uneasy when asked about the animal.

]]> http://www.bearscare.org/2011/12/26/cat-cant-live-with-vacuum-cleaner-attempts-to-take-own-life/feed/ 0 http://www.bearscare.org/2011/12/23/4-year-anniversary/ http://www.bearscare.org/2011/12/23/4-year-anniversary/#comments Sat, 24 Dec 2011 04:17:49 +0000 arcticaribou http://www.bearscare.org/?p=613 My fellow bearscarers, today marks our fourth year of ONLINE DOMINANCE OF BEAR RELATED CONTENT. Let’s all give ourselves a pat on the back.

And guess what? I received a letter from President Obama a few days ago which was marked not to be opened until today. It reads:

“Bearscare is a valuable resource for all Americans. Often when I begin to veto a bill, just before I squiggle the “3″ part of “B”, I catch myself, and my breath, sit back in my high-backed executive chair and reflect. Then I go to bearscare.org to clear my mind and actually learn something new.” With the election year roaring distance away, I won’t take sides, but I would like to thank Mr. Obama for his warm comments and wish him and his a very merry Christmas. And to all of you, from the very bottom of my furry heart, merry Christmas! We couldn’t have done this without you.

Sincerely,

Tom

He went on, “Carbon dating suggests that the ants are over 20,000 years old, which obviously makes no sense in any conventional way.” The international community, so far, has shown little reaction. When pressed on the matter, EU Secretary for Extraterrestrial affairs gave the following statement: “We do not believe the object is any reason for alarm. Many ants were launched into space during the 1970s in COPVs and we reject any results suggesting the ants date back to the stone age. Who even cared about ants back then? It’s a bunch of bologna, if you ask me.”

We’ll be following this story closely. I’m personally interested to find out if the ants are 100% carbon based, or if they have traces of silicon or arsenic. Stay tuned and stay watchful.

Many people ask me if there’s any (non-taxonomical) relationship between the Honeybear and the honey badger, especially since the airing of “The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger” (see below) by a fellow zoographer known only as Randall. The answer is a resounding NO. The honey badger deserves myriads of respect in its own right, but its notoriety arises from different characteristics than the Honeybear. The honey badger, pictured below in Fig. 1, is known to enjoy eating anything which can feel pain. It also has a sweet tooth (and can you blame it?), so locals began referring to Mellivora capensis by its more commonly known name.

In contrast, “the fact is that the Honeybear’s name comes exclusively from the color of its fur,” says Doug Gilmore, a Delaware park ranger turned naturalist and consultant to the Delaware Department of Parks and Wildlife. He goes on, “yes, we have found evidence that they do consume honey in that they eat the entire hive. The disorderly buzzing attracts them and they don’t turn down the opportunity to get a significant amount of protein from the bees, insoluble fiber from the hive walls and simple carbohydrates from the honey. In consuming honey, though, unlike the honey badger, the Honeybear actually eats the hive whole. Picture a someone picking oranges from an orange tree. It’s like that, except there’s only one orange and it’s very big and full of angry bees and honey.

“Sadly, we’ve noticed that more often than not, when a Delaware beekeeper goes missing, his hives do too. And, when we investigate, we find the telltale signs of a Honeybear attack that the police usually miss. You can’t fault them, though, since Honeybears leave very little behind. Usually there’s just some faint claw marks on nearby trees and a tuft of honey-colored fur or two. Blood is rare, as the Honeybear needs all the iron it can get. We don’t know whether the Honeybear smells the human prey first or whether it’s the incessant buzzing, but we do know it’s not the honey itself which attracts the bear.”

I’ve also been asked which animal is more vicious and who would win if a Honeybear  (see Fig. 2) were to fight a honey badger. Unfortunately, due to recent “laws”, such a matchup is illegal in most parts of the US, including Delaware, the only state where Honeybears are found. Furthermore, a Honeybear has never been successfully captured, much less transferred across state lines for any reason, whether legitimate or not. That said, it’s my opinion that a honey badger would have a very difficult time besting a Honeybear. Although the honey badger is very resilient, I believe that the Honeybear’s kill move–grasping the victim in its powerful jaws and shaking it violently at over 70 hertz–would ultimately subdue it. There’s a chance the honey badger could scurry into another animal’s borrow, if one were to be nearby, and wait out the confrontation, though. We know that honeybears will pursue new prey after several minutes of being unable to reach an animal. However, even just considering height and weight ratios, I would be very surprised to hear of a decisive win by a honey badger in a matchup.

The key to our theory is the fact that our universe is accelerating in its expansion; this is a relatively new discovery, but its implications are profound. Our theory derives from two propositions:

1) The universe’s expansion is accelerating outward radially. Therefore, our perception of time at a young age is different than our current perception of time (assuming adult age); that is, time apparently speeds up as we age since our absolute velocity through the cosmos is continually increasing, maintaining a gradient* of temporal perception**.

2) The well-known theory of the existence of a multiverse is true. More specifically, the multiverse is realized by infinite space and dimensions containing infinitely numerous “big-bang” events which, in some cases, can interact with each other .

Therefore, a nominally expanding sphere of temporal perception interrupted occasionally by distant or extradimensional effects of an alternate creative event can alter an individual’s perception of time, thus inducing familiar yet unexplainable effects in memory.

QED.

*The structure of this gradient is currently under debate. Theories of its nature vary between constant, linear, and high-order polynomial forms.

**This assumes that there is no absolute standard for perception of time, but only that there exists a relative difference between an entity’s first memory of the passage of time compared to his/her perception as he/she ages. The proposition does not address the question of the possibility of a continual shift in perception of time over the existence of sentience in the known universe; unfortunately, at this time, data are not known to exist to analyze this matter and probably will not until the theory posited here is accepted and subsequent studies are commissioned; even then, considering the magnitude of the distances and forces necessary to gather accurate data, hundreds of thousands of years’, if not millions’, worth of data would be required.

For more, please visit our wiki: http://www.bearscare.org/wiki/index.php?title=Iguana.

Bearscare (BS): Mr. Leeuwenhoek, thank you for agreeing to this controversial interview.

Nils Leeuwenhoek (NL): Of course. Anytime.

BS: I understand you’ve been studying snow for, what, 30 years or so? What have you learned?

NL: With out a doubt, I can tell you it contains frozen water.

BS: And air? Oxygen?

NL: Yes, those too. Let me elaborate. In cold conditions, moisture from the clouds combines with the air to make snow. That is why it looks different than either rain or ice. It is a hybrid substance.

BS: Interesting.

.

There are many conflicting opinions on snow. Unfortunately, we’ve seen a lot of it in recent weeks. Roofs have collapsed, roads have been compromised and regular, hardworking Americans have suffered. Hopefully the scientific debate will narrow in on a comprehensive explanation. Until then, bundle up.

Found primarily on Rhea, a moon of Saturn, astrobiologists have identified over 900,000 species, ranging from small ant-like organisms to, “well, primates, if you will,” explains Shannon O’Keefe, NASA’s top astrobiology researcher and professor emeritus at Christopher Columbus University. O’Keefe went on to explain that high resolution photographs taken during fly-bys by NASA’s New Horizons deep space probe were the primary source for the new findings.

“We are planning a mission to attempt to interact or even communicate with the new species. Everything is moving very quickly. It’s very exciting,” O’Keefe went on, “We think the quickest way is to send a new space probe containing written and recorded information and also a radio transponder so that, if or when these new species have the intelligence to communicate, they will be able to do so.” O’Keefe would not comment on rumors that President Obama had ordered the 1970s era Pioneer design be used to save money, but she did answer, “Yes, we already spent the money and would like some return,” to the question of whether the space probe would include the Pioneer Plaque pictured below (NSFW version here).

Check back for updates on this rapidly developing story.