BEARSCARE

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, a giant panda was removed by the People’s Republic of China from the National Zoo in Washington, DC. The panda, named Tai Shan, by popular vote, was the first of the species to be born on America soil and is considered by many to have citizen status. The PRC laid claim on Tai Shan, however, arguing primarily that, since Tai Shan’s parents where in Washington on loan, he inherited Chinese ownership.

“Look, we really didn’t want to rock the boat,” commented Raul Jimenez, an unofficial White House spokesman. He continued, “you bet they were up late evaluating options. Apparently some very high ranking officials used strong, sometimes vulgar, language in expressing their disapproval over the deal.” Although Mr. Jimenez would not comment as to whether President Obama or his family were involved in the discussions, he did quote the president as stating “all options are still on the table, people, including complete, resolute and absolute refusal to turn over Tai Shan,” at around 8 PM Wednesday night.

Tai Shan will be missed. An unworthy tribute follows:

Goodbye, Tai Shan; we will miss you. Spread the American Dream in your new home.

You may have thought that terrorism is limited to human beings, but this is proof that some bears have been recruited to commit hate crimes. In this case, a Syrian bear killed a common brown bear in cold blood at a zoo in Germany. No one is sure of the motive, but the bear is in custody. Funeral plans have not been announced for the victim.

Personally, I believe both bears are victims. What sicko put this bear up to such a horrible crime? I mean, this has made the news worldwide, so, to whoever crafted this atrocity, congratulations, we’re all REALLY impressed. You forced one innocent bear to kill another. This is absolutely disgusting.

Some polar bear, probably not Knut, attacked a woman at the Berlin Zoo. She probably wanted a hug, so she climbed into the cage. Most people don’t understand that polar bears are highly territorial and need to be consulted before an encounter. Too bad for her, but not too bad.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html

Recently, a new species of bear was discovered. It’s called the Water Bear, and they only grow to about 1 mm long. Water Bears are extremely aggressive, like most bears, but the cool thing is how resiliant they are. Water Bears can survive ANYTHING. They are the only animal to be exposed to the harsh conditions of outerspace and survive. I’m not kidding: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080908135906.htm.

Here’s a video of a Water Bear in action.

It’s real, so watch out.

Monday, a Swedish chimp amassed an arsenal of rocks to hurl at onlookers. The ape began the collecting before dawn, even including chunks of concrete chipped off from his enclosure. Sometime the midday rush, entirely unprovoked, the chimp unleashed a rain of terror on zoo visitors, killing 3 and injuring uncounted others. Fortunately, Sweden is tolerant of chimps and monkeys, so he’s being celebrated for his planning skills.

Source: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,507226,00.html

A chimpanzee named Travis died Monday after severely biting a woman in Connecticut. Police were unable to negotiate with the chimp and resorted to deadly force. “He had a wild look in his eyes,” remarked police commissioner, Mark Willis. “He kept throwing his head around and shrieking. We shouted for him to put his hands up, but it was as if he didn’t even hear us. We had no other choice.” The unidentified woman was hospitalized and listed in critical condition. After Travis’ family has been notified, funeral plans will be announced. This is a currently developing story, so check back for updates.

RIP, Travis the Chimp

Source

I’m sorry, Knut. I’m sorry they make it this difficult for you.

http://blog.rbb-online.de/roller/knut/entry/noch_mehr_davon

According to the Daily Mail, some guy leapt into Knut’s enclosure because he was lonely and felt the 2-year-old bear was too. Zookeepers lured Knut away from his new dinner and into a cage before removing the man from the enclosure. Police said he did not appear to be mentally disabled. Although I certainly share this man’s desire to befriend Knut, I do realize, as a bear expert and enthusiast, that making a bear friend is a slow process which requires lots of patience and trust. I know that after months of bringing seal meat and making bear noises Knut would come to accept me. I would never, however, try to rush him into a friendship that makes him uncomfortable or hungry.

In case you haven’t heard already, Knut, the AWESOME polar bear cub who captured our hearts and minds a year or so ago (pictured below), is BEING SOLD. I intend to buy him.

Look, here’s the thing. I love that bear. I never got to Germany to visit him and I can’t imagine going to some other loser country where he might wind up. My plan is to keep him in the middle bedroom of our apartment. There’s a red sofa in there that he can sleep on and a book case and I could even clear our stuff out of the closet. There’s only one problem: polar bears are expensive. BUT I’m taking donations. Please leave the amount you’re pledging along with contact information as a comment and I will get back to you. This is urgent. I expect I’ll need $100,000+ USD. Contributors will have some visitation privileges.

So, readers have been asking me about Knut, the polar bear quite a bit. Well, I’m sick of it. So, here’s an update on FLOCKE: she’s fine. Don’t worry. As far as I can tell from the following picture, Flocke is growing up to be a respectible polar bear just like her first cousin, Knut. Although I don’t advocate bears eating seals, she’s going to start getting pretty bored soon. I believe there are some excellent soy-based imitation seal products out there, so let me be the first to recommend to Germans (Deutschlanders) they buy this stuff. It’s environmentally responsible since the soy is grown with replaceable fuel sources.