Report: J. K. Rowling Mauled, Feared Dead
July 15th, 2009 |BREAKING NEWS
An unconfirmed report has come in that J. K. Rowling, author of the popular book series, Harry Potter, has been severly mauled by either a bear or mountain lion (or both) in Yellowstone Park. No one is sure what she was doing there, but there has been speculation that she was visiting while on vacation for some wizard trickery. The reports are still spotty, but sources say that the first emergency calls came in around 2 PM, Mountain Time, on Wednesday, July 15.
“What? No, it can’t be. No. No, no! No,” responded Wallace Kippering, one of Rowling’s attorneys. Although the report has yet to be confirmed, Harry Potter fans are already congregating at schools and forest clearings to say goodbye to Rowling in their own way. “First we cast a circle out of salt and then we built a fire and, and then magic spells.” Explained one fan, asked only to be identified as Ron. “She’ll live on if we get this right. I know it,” continued Ron who then turned to another friend and yelled something in the Harry’s wizard language.
Last known photograph of Pure Blood Wizardess Rowling
The attack couldn’t have come at a less convenient time for Rowling. The latest in the Harry Potter series of movies, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, was released Wednesday and has been getting so-so reviews. “As if it weren’t bad enough the movie’s no good, now Rowling is gone. We didn’t need this,” remarked Carl Baker, an unofficial spokesman for Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. “This was the important one. We’ll never sell tickets if we can’t get [Rowling] out to the theaters to drum up support,” continued Baker, who then hailed a cab. “If it’s true,” he yelled back, “then she went down doing what she loved! Witchcraft in the woods!”
