BEARSCARE

(Bearscare) — A new species of snake has been discovered in South America. Unlike others, these snakes can contort their bodies’ aerodynamic properties to provide lift. That is, they can fly.

The species was accidentally discovered by a group of graduate students from the Humphrey College of Life Sciences at Christopher Columbus University who had traveled to Ecuador to study insects. Instead, they found themselves bombarded by a hailstorm of snakes.

“We had set up camp just that afternoon,” Ph.D candiate Ulam Vindesh explains, “and we were about to cook dinner. It felt exactly like what it was,” he continued, “a snake falling on my head.” Chrysopelea are most active at dusk. Locals confirmed that it is very dangerous to roam the jungle without proper headgear.

The non-poisonous Chrysopelea is very timid, and this shyness is responsible for the 40% death rate of its victims. “When they land on your head,” explains Vindesh, “they quickly slither down over your ears and wrap around your neck. We learned that, when scared, the flying snakes coil around any cylindrical object available. This behavior is analogous to pill bugs or armadillos huddling in their shells. Those snakes are surprisingly strong.”

Though their intentions are pure, Chrysopelea are very dangerous to tourists. Please, if you’re visiting Ecuador or any other nearby communities, make liberal use of snake repellant and wear a spiked helmet. No one knows the yearly death rate from Chrysopelea attacks, but estimates range between 10-100 thousand.

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, a giant panda was removed by the People’s Republic of China from the National Zoo in Washington, DC. The panda, named Tai Shan, by popular vote, was the first of the species to be born on America soil and is considered by many to have citizen status. The PRC laid claim on Tai Shan, however, arguing primarily that, since Tai Shan’s parents where in Washington on loan, he inherited Chinese ownership.

“Look, we really didn’t want to rock the boat,” commented Raul Jimenez, an unofficial White House spokesman. He continued, “you bet they were up late evaluating options. Apparently some very high ranking officials used strong, sometimes vulgar, language in expressing their disapproval over the deal.” Although Mr. Jimenez would not comment as to whether President Obama or his family were involved in the discussions, he did quote the president as stating “all options are still on the table, people, including complete, resolute and absolute refusal to turn over Tai Shan,” at around 8 PM Wednesday night.

Tai Shan will be missed. An unworthy tribute follows:

Goodbye, Tai Shan; we will miss you. Spread the American Dream in your new home.

While I was conducting Walrus related research, I came upone this film strip of a Walrus playing a saxaphone along side a human being. I had no idea they were this intelligent.

Also, here’s a video of a mother walrus and a baby walrus. It is a little known fact that walruses and bears have a mutually respectful relationship. Although they are competitors for food, it is a friendly rivalry. Walruses and bears have even been observed sharing resources during particulaly cold or sparse winters.

One of the most interesting and rarest behaviors of the Great White Shark has been filmed for the first time (ever). An exceptionally large speciman washed ashore in New York, NY, and was observed by local beach goers.

“He bit right through it,” commented Silvie LeFramboise, “At first I was going to touch it, but then I found a stick. It was a good thing I did.” It’s a little known fact that over 60% of Great White Shark attacks actually take place on dry land; unsuspecting beach goers approach the giant killers thinking they’ve washed ashore dead, only to learn that the shark is very much alive and, as always, hunting. Ms. LeFramboise was lucky to escape with her life. “They said if I had been a step closer, I wouldn’t have made it. I feel more alive now than I ever have. I’m going to quit my job.”

Rod Fink Jr., however, was not so lucky. The up and coming paper entrepreneur had been vacationing in Sydney, Australia and had decided to try his hand at surfing one day. After not catching the first wave he went after, he paddled out for another try. “That was the last I saw of him. Paddling,” remarked Fink Sr., who saw the footage on youtube, “But this youtube thing is incredible. How long has it been around? Oh, but with Rod Jr., it was a really unfitting end. Really just a shame.” The paddling was actually just the last known footage of Fink. It turns out that after several unsuccessful tries, he began sulking on the beach. Eventually, he came upon a Great White Shark sunning itself. Still itching to assert his dominance over the sea, Fink crouched down in front of the giant fish and began to speak. No sooner had he opened his mouth had the shark done the same. And that was that.

Recently, a new species of bear was discovered. It’s called the Water Bear, and they only grow to about 1 mm long. Water Bears are extremely aggressive, like most bears, but the cool thing is how resiliant they are. Water Bears can survive ANYTHING. They are the only animal to be exposed to the harsh conditions of outerspace and survive. I’m not kidding: http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/09/080908135906.htm.

Here’s a video of a Water Bear in action.

Just kidding. This site is about animals (bears) and that’s it. Here’s a koala.

CNN posted this video today of a kid’s run-in with a sweet coyote. It was a draw, but I like to think the coyote had the last laugh.