BEARSCARE

NASA released a breakthrough astrobiological finding Thursday. NASA scientists have discovered animals made with arsenic rather than phosphorus, the fundamental building block of all known life. Arsenic, a metal, is structurally similar to phosphorus, a non-metal. Because of this, arsenic is deadly to phosphorus-based animals since their bodies incorrectly identify it as phosphorus and attempt to bond with it.

Found primarily on Rhea, a moon of Saturn, astrobiologists have identified over 900,000 species, ranging from small ant-like organisms to, “well, primates, if you will,” explains Shannon O’Keefe, NASA’s top astrobiology researcher and professor emeritus at Christopher Columbus University. O’Keefe went on to explain that high resolution photographs taken during fly-bys by NASA’s New Horizons deep space probe were the primary source for the new findings.

“We are planning a mission to attempt to interact or even communicate with the new species. Everything is moving very quickly. It’s very exciting,” O’Keefe went on, “We think the quickest way is to send a new space probe containing written and recorded information and also a radio transponder so that, if or when these new species have the intelligence to communicate, they will be able to do so.” O’Keefe would not comment on rumors that President Obama had ordered the 1970s era Pioneer design be used to save money, but she did answer, “Yes, we already spent the money and would like some return,” to the question of whether the space probe would include the Pioneer Plaque pictured below (NSFW version here).

Check back for updates on this rapidly developing story.

This is big. A few months back, Bearscare.org was the first to report the discovery of a simple, worm-like organism native to the planet Mars. Well, on Saturday, Spirit, one of two rovers currently on the Mars, came across a bizarre, octopus-esque creature. See below.

Very little is known about the critter, and taxonomists are struggling to think of an appropriate name for it. Although, for internal purposes, NASA has dubbed the alien MO-2, short for Mars Organism 2, it is being called Gregory for the time being, after the technician who first viewed the image.

“I had just gone to the vending machine for a Sprite, and when I returned to my desk I saw this weird picture on my screen. At first I thought it was a prank,” remarked Gregory Boone, a junior technician who was working the graveyard shift. “It sucks working so late, but I guess now it was all worth it. Maybe I can work during the day now,” he continued.

Needless to say, the world is stunned. Opportunity, the other Mars rover, is on its way to rendezvous with Sprit, explains Nils Brodin, a NASA official, “see, at the last minute [before the launch] we realized this might happen. So, we installed a pod onto Opportunity which could be jettisoned and sent back to Earth. It looks very similar to the Apollo capsule, except smaller.” The plan is for Opportunity to scoop Gregory up, place it in the capsule, and send it to Earth to be studied by eager scientists. “We expect Opportunity to arrive in about 3 weeks. In the meantime, we will be trying to figure out what Gregory eats. We want to keep the little guy alive and will be constantly monitoring him through a dedicated video feed from the capsule. It’s going to be tough, though. There’s not much other than rocks and dirt on Mars, so we’re kind of at a loss,” remarked Brodin as he tied his shoe. “This will change everything.”

Brodin also noted that the capsule can travel much faster on the return journey to Earth since it’s much lighter than the capsule the rover was sent it. He said they expect to recover the capsule a few weeks after it has been jettisoned.

Stay tuned for updates.

Big news! Our parent organization, from whom we get the vast majority of our funding, has finally launched an internet version of their printed journal. Check it out here: http://www.ursalography.org.

I should have been all over this when I first heard about it, but it took the following headline to get my attention:

Bat Hitches Ride to Space on Shuttle Discovery

Before the space shuttle took off, NASA noticed the bat clinging to the huge fuel tank. After determining that it wouldn’t pose a threat to the shuttle’s fragile fire-retardant tiles, the launch proceeded as scheduled, with bat proponents among the NASA ranks hoping and praying the little critter would realize its peril and fly away. “The poor little guy just didn’t know what was about to hit him,” remarked Joe Higgins, a camera operator working for NASA. “We were all rooting for him, and we just hope wherever he is…well, we hope he’s somewhere better. Somewhere better than an orange fuel tank engulfed in rocket exhaust.”