BEARSCARE

A recent surge of Burmese python attacks has both researchers and authorities concerned. Apparently the python, which was illegally introduced into Florida in the late ’80s by notorious snake dealer, Ferdinand “Fang” Mueller, has flourished and grown far more numerous than its food supply, which consists mostly of pigs, weasels and small monkeys. “We don’t find the bodies, because there are no remains. We do see, however, very well fed pythons. You know, there’s a big lump in the middle,” explains Harry Hinson, a snake expert employed by Biscayne County, FL. The 7-8 meter long snakes (21-24″) can weigh upwards of 400 kg and need to feed approximately twice per week, which is much more often than similarly sized snakes.

“The problem is,” continues Hinson, “their metabolisms actually adapt to their surroundings. Now we’ve got a lot of hogs in Biscayne County, so the snakes eat more of them. It’s a vicious cycle. And I do mean vicious.” The concern, stated Hinson, is that once the food supply is exhausted, the pythons will turn their beady eyes and forked tongues toward the human population. Several disappearances are expected to be the result of python attacks. “Yup, it’s already started. We’ve had half a dozen swamp people go missing in the last month alone,” remarked Hinson.

Fang Mueller is currently incarcerated in the Sarasota State Penitentiary. He generally declines requests from the press, but did release this statement last week:

“A lot of people are asking me if I regret my illegal activities. The answer is no. I regret getting caught. When buyers were plentiful, I was making a lot of money off those snakes. It was the American dream. And then they stopped buying them because they got all sentimental when the snakes started eating pets. What did you expect? So there I was with over 200 pythons. I had to do something, so I dumped them in the damn swamp. So shoot me! It’s what any last one of you would have done.”

Mueller was convicted of illegal snake smuggling in 2005 and, under Florida’s strict snake laws, was sentenced to 60 years in prison. He will be eligible for parole in 2018.

(Bearscare) — A new species of snake has been discovered in South America. Unlike others, these snakes can contort their bodies’ aerodynamic properties to provide lift. That is, they can fly.

The species was accidentally discovered by a group of graduate students from the Humphrey College of Life Sciences at Christopher Columbus University who had traveled to Ecuador to study insects. Instead, they found themselves bombarded by a hailstorm of snakes.

“We had set up camp just that afternoon,” Ph.D candiate Ulam Vindesh explains, “and we were about to cook dinner. It felt exactly like what it was,” he continued, “a snake falling on my head.” Chrysopelea are most active at dusk. Locals confirmed that it is very dangerous to roam the jungle without proper headgear.

The non-poisonous Chrysopelea is very timid, and this shyness is responsible for the 40% death rate of its victims. “When they land on your head,” explains Vindesh, “they quickly slither down over your ears and wrap around your neck. We learned that, when scared, the flying snakes coil around any cylindrical object available. This behavior is analogous to pill bugs or armadillos huddling in their shells. Those snakes are surprisingly strong.”

Though their intentions are pure, Chrysopelea are very dangerous to tourists. Please, if you’re visiting Ecuador or any other nearby communities, make liberal use of snake repellant and wear a spiked helmet. No one knows the yearly death rate from Chrysopelea attacks, but estimates range between 10-100 thousand.

The Hybrid Death Snake (HDS) is not actually a snake. It certainly contains DNA from the deadliest snakes on the planet, but it’s much more.

In 1994, NATO officials approved a program to create a weapon unlike any other in history: a living weapon. Henri deFluche, an unofficial spokesman for the NATO Exotic Weapons Directorate, states, “we knew bombs were not enough. Bombs kill instantly rather than systematically. If you survive the blast, that’s it. The Hybrid Death Snake is different.”

Derived from DNA of the — sit down for this one — Cobra, Rattlesnake, Komodo Dragon, Great White Shark, Brown Bear, Hippopotamus, Rat, Human, Tortoise, Pit Viper and Lion, the HDS is the most dangerous animal in the world. It is believed that a computer chip embedded at birth in each individual’s brain allows NATO control, but there have been no published studies establishing the efficacy of such a device.

There are no photographs of the HDS publicly available, but an artist’s impression shows a scaly creature with six burly legs, cats’ eyes and a jaw, fitted with appropriate fangs, sufficient to eat even larger-than-average men. Keep an eye out.

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, a giant panda was removed by the People’s Republic of China from the National Zoo in Washington, DC. The panda, named Tai Shan, by popular vote, was the first of the species to be born on America soil and is considered by many to have citizen status. The PRC laid claim on Tai Shan, however, arguing primarily that, since Tai Shan’s parents where in Washington on loan, he inherited Chinese ownership.

“Look, we really didn’t want to rock the boat,” commented Raul Jimenez, an unofficial White House spokesman. He continued, “you bet they were up late evaluating options. Apparently some very high ranking officials used strong, sometimes vulgar, language in expressing their disapproval over the deal.” Although Mr. Jimenez would not comment as to whether President Obama or his family were involved in the discussions, he did quote the president as stating “all options are still on the table, people, including complete, resolute and absolute refusal to turn over Tai Shan,” at around 8 PM Wednesday night.

Tai Shan will be missed. An unworthy tribute follows:

Goodbye, Tai Shan; we will miss you. Spread the American Dream in your new home.

Abstract: Snakes are reptiles/amphibians without legs or flippers. They eat plants and animals depending on mood and availability. Snakes can be found on every landmass, but are fairly scarce on some. Their lifespans vary from a few months to over 90 years.

I) Introduction

After the positive reaction I received about my article on the Python, I thought I would present a more general treatment of the Python’s cousins: snakes. The first snake in history was mentioned in the Book of Genesis in the Bible and snakes have captured imaginations young and old ever since. Some people keep pet snakes while others hate them. By the end of this article, you will know about snakes and be able to make an informed decision.

An Adult King Cobra

II) Evolution and Biology

Have you ever seen a snake? They look like lizards except without legs. Actually, that’s pretty much all they are. How snakes evolved to not have legs is still an open question, but it is thought that modern snakes and lizards evolved from a common dinosaur ancestor. The exact species of this ancestor is also up for debate, but some serpentologists believe it most likely to have been the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

In the early 16th Century, a series of experiments were conducted by the famous physician Andreas Vesalius, during which the legs of various lizards were removed in the hope that they would learn to slither, like snakes. Unfortunately, the lizards expired before learning to slither and Vesalius retired in disgrace having not contributed any new knowledge to the medical and scientific communities. Further, these experiments were very cruel and readers should never consider repeating them. A lizard cannot be taught to slither.

The biological makeup of the modern snake varies on slightly between species. Most are about 6-8′ long[1], venomous and highly intelligent. Snakes smell with their tongues and can see infrared light and gamma rays. A king cobra, one of the most venomous snakes, can smell a mammal over 10 miles away and slither to it at over 25 m/s.

Snake’s consist of a long, muscular body, known among serpentologists as the tube. Prey can remain in the tube for over 2 weeks being digested, which is disgusting but also amazing. As mentioned earlier, snakes do not have legs, so they contract and expand their tube muscles to move around on the ground. Most snakes climb trees, too.

Snakes are extremely poisonous, with the most poisonous being the Moroccan Pit Viper (see below). This snake can kill a human in under 20 minutes. King Cobras and rattle snakes are really poisonous too and it’s best to stay as far away from them as possible unless you’re a certified snake handler/charmer.

Moroccan Pit Viper

III) Life Cycle

Snakes are usually hatched from eggs laid in a nest. Some sea-snakes are born live, but this phenomenon is outside the scope of this article. Snakes reach maturity in about 2 months but can be deadly just weeks after hatching. The average male snake will live to about 40 and females live to about 45. Some rattlesnakes, however, have lived past 70 years.

IV) Habitat

Snakes are found wherever territory and food (see feeding below) is available. In North America, the rattlesnake and copperheads rule. South America is home to pythons and anacondas. Africa and Australia have extremely poisonous pit vipers. Interestingly, the only snake native to Asia is the King Cobra.

Usually, people are very surprised to learn about the Albino Python (see below), Antarctica’s only native snake. The Albino Python is thought to have swam to Antarctica from the southern tip of Chile about 20,000 years ago where it quickly adapted to match its habitat.

V) Reproduction

Snake reproduction is pretty vanilla except for the case of the Albino Python. Since the outer rim of Antarctica is constantly melting/freezing, Albinos are forced to journey some 60 miles inland for a safe place to socialize and reproduce. Once the mating pairs have become pregnant, the male pythons slither to the sea to gorge on fish, for they have a long, cold winter ahead of them. After a month of eating, they slither back to the nesting site where the baby snakes have hatched. They identify their mates and offspring by vocalizations which are unique to each individual. How this uniqueness is guaranteed has mystified serpentologists since the Albinos were discovered.

Once the males have returned to watch the hatchlings, the females slither to the sea to feed. They are very emaciated from the long wait and eat for over two months before returning to the nest. Once the families are united and the juvenile snakes are big enough to slither long distances, they all return to the water and the parents teach the juvenile snakes how to hunt. I’m glossing over a lot here, but you can read up about these snakes on wikipedia if you want to know more.

VI) Feeding

Snakes are mostly carnivorous, using their venom to kill their prey. A rule of thumb is that a snake will focus on prey whose maximum dimension is about 50% of the snake’s tube. For example, a 12′ King Cobra wouldn’t think twice about taking down a 6′ human (remember what I said about keeping your distance?).

Some bigger snakes like to augment their diet with sweet fruits, like papayas, but this is rare. Usually, snakes eat vegetables when a) there aren’t enough living things to eat, or b) they are very young and need the extra sugars and starch. Regular–not albino–pythons are the exception; they eat 50% meat and 50% vegetables/starches.

VII) Human interaction

Some humans keep snakes as pets, but we strongly discourage this. Snakes are extremely dangerous, venomous animals and generally have the intelligence of a teenaged human. Some snakes have successfully learned over 1000 signs from the American Sign Language language. They make the signs by shifting their bodies into the correct shape. “It isn’t publicized, but 1 out of 10 snake owners will receive a fatal bite or eventual die from snake-related complications. The pro-snake lobby in Washington keeps this fact under wraps and we’re all hoping that the new administration will stand up to this manace,” remarked  Yuri von Metleife, vice chairman of American Center for Snake Appreciation and Respect (ACSAR). “Sure, I like sakes too. But only to look at. When I lost my uncle to an Albino Python bite, I knew that no one should own a snake. They are just far too dangerous for families and individuals.”

Encounters between humans and snakes in the wild are very common. A common myth is that, “don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.” Are you serious? Snakes are poisonous. They aren’t afraid of anything (except bigger snakes). Please, wherever you live, know which snakes are around and be aware of them. During mating seasons, stay indoors.

Snakes are known to be very sensitive to motion and speed. They are quite used to their own slithering and find car and train rides to be very upsetting. The high speeds and pressure changes of airplane rides are absolutely intollerable to snakes and they have been known to escape for their enclosures and be even more agressive than usual. Transporting snakes on airplanes has been outlawed in over 40 countries, including the United States.

Yuri von Metliefe, ACSAR

VIII) Conclusion

Snakes are majestic, powerful and deadly. They will not hesitate to defend themselves and need to eat a lot. They should be avoided at all costs.

So, science did it again; the biggest snake of all time has been discovered somewhere in S. America. This badboy is over 40′ long and, according to some guy I heard on NPR, could be thick enough to reach up to your hip if you’re a weak-ass little man. Otherwise, the snake would probably only be knee-high, which is absolutely intimidating, but at least not waste-high.

The snake discovered was over 60 million years old and discovered in one of those “countries” in S. America (who cares which?). What is that place, Isla Nublar? Get over it, guys. I SAW big anacondas in PR when I went–well, not literally, but whatever. I’ve had it. Snake below.

Yo! I’ve been jamming my EYEBALLS on cnn for like 3 days but there haven’t been any polar bears, squids, deer, grizzly bears, etc. at all. The reason? This Obama guy. So, considering my recent exchange with my bro, Chris, about pythons, I just thought I’d post this sick-ass video:

This snake is 7 m, approximately one fourth the size of my behemoth python, Giuseppe. Now, picture the snake in the video but four times bigger. That’s my jam factory, G-Bone. If he had it his way he’d eat 12 pigs per week but I keep him Kosher so it’s turkey/chicken 100%.

Introduction

The python is a large, land-based snake. It is capable of eating small mammals (including people) and its preferred killing method is strangulation/crushing. Pythons can grow to an excess of 30 feet (10 meters). Pythons are mostly green but can also feature brown or yellow colorings.

History

Pythons, along with some other snakes, are thought to have evolved from lower-slung dinosaurs roughly 85 million years ago (according to carbon dating on skeletons found in South Africa). Interest in pythons first began in the late 19th Century when humanoid remains began turning up–people were fossil crazy! The massive snakes captured the western world’s imagination; in 1897, the New York Times featured a python-related story once every other week on average.

Habitat

Pythons are found in the wild exclusively in Africa. They are distributed evenly throughout the continent but there are locally large populations in large population centers since food is more readily available. It is not uncommon to see a python slithering through a market place looking for fallen merchandise.

Although pythons can be kept as pets, it is not recommended. The animal may be very small when it is purchased but will likely exceed 25 feet in length and 10 inches in girth within 8 months. It is impossible to tell just how big any given python will grow. The steady increase in unwanted pythons in American animal shelters is thought to be a result of this uncertainty. Please, if you’re considering a pet python, remember that it is a very needy animal and will require its own room and sizable pond. Also, the full-grown snake will need, at a minimum, 6 live chickens per week.

Feeding

Pythons will eat just about anything. Their favorite meat is chicken, but they also enjoy turkey, ostrich, some cuts of beef and have been noticed eating scrapple. In the case of birds, the snakes will only accept live food or food which is dead and artificially animated either through mechanical means or electrical. Beef products are only taken raw or rare.

Pythons will eat fruits and vegetables out of boredom. It is good to provide them with a balanced diet, so it is recommended that once a month the snake be presented with only green vegetables for a week or so. The snake may refuse to eat for two or three days but will eventually rekindle its appreciation of vegetables. Favorites include asparagus, summer squash, Asian pears and clementines. Under no circumstances should pythons be fed onions.

Reproduction

Pythons will not hesitate to reproduce. They tend to be monogamous and a breeding pair may produce in excess of 14 snakelings per year if appropriate nutrition is available. Unlike other animals, there is no “mating season”. Happy, healthy pythons will reproduce at any time. Pythons are very private about their mating practices and film crews have never successfully captured the act.

Life cycle

Pythons, being the biggest of all snakes, are also the longest lived. A healthy, unstressed python can live in excess of 130 years. Some are quite skeptical when they first learn this fact, but such longevity is not unprecedented in nature; turtles and tortoises lack any gene which causes aging and can live indefinitely long until some severe disease sets in.

A baby python reaches adulthood in 18-24 months. At this point, the snake will roam the earth searching for food (preferably chickens) and a mate. Once a mate is found, the two will tend to be inseperable until one succumbs to disease. This can take quite a while since there are very few python-diseases and most only exist in north-eastern Europe and South America where pythons comprise only ~0.01% of snakes. Once one half of the pair has deceased, the surviving snake will usually seek a new mate. Very few pythons are solitary.

Public reaction

People love pythons and few realize that they are the most deadly snake on the planet and have a very bad attitude. Pythons will attack people out of fear-agression in 9 out of 10 confrontations. Only experienced handlers should be within striking distance of these snakes. In 2007, the Central African Python Research Institute (CAPRI) reported over 2 million python related deaths. This figure is staggering since CAPRI estimates there are only about 800,000 pythons in the world. Including the 1,100 python fatalities in the rest of the world, this is 2.501 kills per snake. All pythons should be treated with respect and fear. Please admire them from a safe distance.

Conclusion

Pythons are extremely dangerous. They are majestic snakes but should be left alone. You would be better off with a King Cobra as a pet rather than one of these.

References

All material here was generously provided by the Central African Python Research Institute.