BEARSCARE

I’m sorry, Knut. I’m sorry they make it this difficult for you.

http://blog.rbb-online.de/roller/knut/entry/noch_mehr_davon

According to the Daily Mail, some guy leapt into Knut’s enclosure because he was lonely and felt the 2-year-old bear was too. Zookeepers lured Knut away from his new dinner and into a cage before removing the man from the enclosure. Police said he did not appear to be mentally disabled. Although I certainly share this man’s desire to befriend Knut, I do realize, as a bear expert and enthusiast, that making a bear friend is a slow process which requires lots of patience and trust. I know that after months of bringing seal meat and making bear noises Knut would come to accept me. I would never, however, try to rush him into a friendship that makes him uncomfortable or hungry.

In case you haven’t heard already, Knut, the AWESOME polar bear cub who captured our hearts and minds a year or so ago (pictured below), is BEING SOLD. I intend to buy him.

Look, here’s the thing. I love that bear. I never got to Germany to visit him and I can’t imagine going to some other loser country where he might wind up. My plan is to keep him in the middle bedroom of our apartment. There’s a red sofa in there that he can sleep on and a book case and I could even clear our stuff out of the closet. There’s only one problem: polar bears are expensive. BUT I’m taking donations. Please leave the amount you’re pledging along with contact information as a comment and I will get back to you. This is urgent. I expect I’ll need $100,000+ USD. Contributors will have some visitation privileges.

So, readers have been asking me about Knut, the polar bear quite a bit. Well, I’m sick of it. So, here’s an update on FLOCKE: she’s fine. Don’t worry. As far as I can tell from the following picture, Flocke is growing up to be a respectible polar bear just like her first cousin, Knut. Although I don’t advocate bears eating seals, she’s going to start getting pretty bored soon. I believe there are some excellent soy-based imitation seal products out there, so let me be the first to recommend to Germans (Deutschlanders) they buy this stuff. It’s environmentally responsible since the soy is grown with replaceable fuel sources.

I’ve just been made aware of an email which has been circulating about a bear attack in Manitoba. It claims to contain a graphic picture of a nonfatal bear attack. Here is the text of the email:

Bear Attack in
Churchill
,
Manitoba
,
Canada
.

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.

These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop
the attack.

Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full
recovery.

The photo’s are below.

Warning, graphic photos!!!

In case anybody who receives this email is concerned that it’s a virus, don’t worry–it isn’t. I’m including the picture from the email and, I must say, I’m a little underwhelmed by the carnage. Here’s the picture.

1. Koala bears aren’t really bears — TRUE. Koalas are kangaroos pretending to be bears.
2. Panda bears aren’t really bears — LIE. Well, Giant Pandas are one of the eight species of bear.
3. Black bears only attack when one is between a mother and cubs — This isn’t necessarily true. I’m not saying you should get between a mom and her cubs, but if you want to, it’s up to you; you might survive.
4. Grizzly bears only attack when one is between a mother and her cubs –
5. Sun bears aren’t real — would you believe my wife doesn’t believe in Sun Bears? I’m even going to pump money into a bear charity and she still doesn’t believe!
6. Red pandas are real bears — false. RATS.
7. Honeybears like honey — FALSE. Honeybears ONLY eat meat. They need 100-200 lbs. per day, depending on sex. The name, “honey”, comes from the color of their fur. Few men have ever seen a honeybear.
8. Cheetahs are the fastest animal — see 7.
9. Polar bears are endangered — Socialist drivel. Polar bears can beat anything/one.
10. Grizzly bears are mean — they’re 90% lonely, 10% bored.

Writing for this website is a true joy. Usually. But, along with writing about great animal-related events comes the responsibiity of covering the tragedies. With over 14,000 site views, it is my sad duty to report that Knut’s loving keeper has died.

No one knows the cause of death yet and we should all just take time to mourn and remember. And we can’t blame Knut-it’s highly unlikely he had anything to do with it and he’s mourning too.

Here’s the story on CNN.

RIP Doerflein.

Stop what you’re doing and go here now. I found this article on CNN and am utterly stunned. I would write more, but I’m going to go look into the mirror and contemplate my own color.

Listen up, everybody, this is important. Polar bears made the list of “threatened” species today. This is a great step forward in recognizing polar bears by our country, but let’s not forget who does the threatening. Polar bears are some of my favorite bears and nobody can hurt them. Probably a better list than “threatened” would be “so sweet they can even rip your head off”. Animals which I would put on that list (polar bears, great white sharks, koala bears, alligators, condors) should be protected and offered extra food to show respect. Threatened my ass.

Recently, there has been a dearth of relevant animal news. This all changed when we were contacted by a leading arctozoologist who is very concerned about the survival of polar bears in the rapidly changing environment. The scientist asked that we only refer to him as “Dr. P” because he fears for his own and his team’s safety amidst uprisings spawned from the “vast, irreversible effect my ideas will have on the American populace”. So, Dr. P it is.

“Fewer bears are having fewer cubs. Many female bears choose not to take a mate but once every three to four years,” Dr. P wrote. He claims that the data he has collected over the last two years indicates that the polar bear population in the Arctic is dwindling exponentially and he expects there to be only a handful of mating pairs by the end of 2009. “Immediate action must be taken”.

In the correspondence we received, which will not be published because Dr. P’s full identity would be determined even by the most simple, he detailed a radical plan to re-home a core population of 10,000-12,000 bears in Ohio immediately with more individuals arriving by the thousand every two months. He says the idea hit him like a “400 pound seal” while reading reports of record snowfall in the USA.

“Sure, there isn’t a natural food source for large predators in Ohio. I know that. And I know that some house-hold pets and stranded motorists may go missing. But the naysayers are looking at this all in the wrong way. If there’s anything history has taught us, it’s that sacrifice is necessary and healthy. Plus, we would replace all pets. Often with better ones,” Dr. P wrote.

Although his plans are still coming together, this influential (among arctozoologic circles) scientist felt the idea should be broached to the public so that the “strongest academic minds might engage in civilized debate followed by a planning and implementation process”. Calculations we were shown indicate that polar bears could be restored to prehistoric levels within the decade. “It is my belief that whether we like it or not, we are at the cusp of a new age. The Bear Age.”