BEARSCARE

A disturbing story is coming out of a Washington, DC suburb in Virginia. Apparently, a house cat was so upset with her owners’ purchase and use of a new vacuum cleaner that she lept off a balcony and fell 15′ feet onto a faux-wood floor. The attempt was unsuccessful and the cat, named Snickers (pictured below), holed up under a sofa for over two hours after the fall. Reports are coming in now that she’s moved to an old chair. Keep checking back.

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, a giant panda was removed by the People’s Republic of China from the National Zoo in Washington, DC. The panda, named Tai Shan, by popular vote, was the first of the species to be born on America soil and is considered by many to have citizen status. The PRC laid claim on Tai Shan, however, arguing primarily that, since Tai Shan’s parents where in Washington on loan, he inherited Chinese ownership.

“Look, we really didn’t want to rock the boat,” commented Raul Jimenez, an unofficial White House spokesman. He continued, “you bet they were up late evaluating options. Apparently some very high ranking officials used strong, sometimes vulgar, language in expressing their disapproval over the deal.” Although Mr. Jimenez would not comment as to whether President Obama or his family were involved in the discussions, he did quote the president as stating “all options are still on the table, people, including complete, resolute and absolute refusal to turn over Tai Shan,” at around 8 PM Wednesday night.

Tai Shan will be missed. An unworthy tribute follows:

Goodbye, Tai Shan; we will miss you. Spread the American Dream in your new home.

Today, my wife and I were in a local  pet store looking for inspirational reading and weight loss supplements for our chubby cat, Skittles, when I came across a cage labeled “Honey bears”. You can imagine my surprise; they have been selling juvenile Honeybears along side regular hamsters and mice! I don’t know what sicko from Delaware would be supplying major pet stores WITH BEARS but bringing him/her to justice is another story. Naturally, I recognized the threat and purchased the two bears immediately.

Before I continue, I think a little background is necessary. As you’ve read in the Honeybear article, these creatures are pretty damn muscular. The speed with which they need to run to catch the necessary amount of prey to keep them running that speed requires a body fat percentage of only 2%. Furthermore, the average Honeybear weighs roughly 300-320 kg, of which nearly 270 kg is muscle. The point is, these bears don’t have much room for auxiliary tissue, such as reproductive organs. So, Honeybear cubs are extremely small when born due to the limited space the mother Honeybear has inside her belly. Below is a picture of newborn Honeybears.

I suppose I can understand how someone would think this creature is “cute” or a “hamster of some sort”. Maybe they think their disposition is sweet because they’re called “Honeybears”. Well, they aren’t sweet; they’re BEARS. And the only reason they’re called honey is because that’s the standard color of their fur, though it can range from a ruddy brown to pale fawn.

So we bought the two Honeybear cubs and a secure enclosure manufactured by CritterTrails (trust me, I banged on the plastic for while and it hardly broke). We returned home with our deadly find and set them up in their new home. Fortunately, time is on our side. Because Honeybears require so much muscle, they grow very slowly–quality over quantity. Below is a picture of our Siamese cat, Muffin, keeping an eye on the bears.

And here’s a picture of the bears together. They’re huddled with each other because they don’t have enough body fat to stay warm if they aren’t running.

So far I’ve observed the two fighting, hoarding, running and sleeping. They can climb much better than I was expecting and I will report this finding to the National Association of Bear Research (NABR). Below is a picture of one specimen scaling a vertical tube from the inside. Imagine if this bear were full grown and climbing up your chimney.

So, here’s the thing. Next time you go to the pet store looking for a new pet, stick with mice, hamsters, snakes, hedgehogs and gerbils. If you see a cage labeled, “Honeybear” or  “Honey Bear”, stay away. Even if the label reads, “Honey Bear Hamster”, it is a mistake. These are not hamsters; they are juvenile bears. Honeybears are 50 times more vicious than grizzly bears and bear adoption is a binding contract in 49 states whether the adopter is aware that the adoptee is a bear or not. Unless you are a trained, certified professional, adopting a Honeybear is certain death for you and your family. You have been warned. If you see any Honeybears available for sale ANYWHERE, send me an email at tom at bearscare dot org so that I can remove the threat and re-home the bears in the bear facility my wife and I operate from our house. Thank you.

Everybody, WATCH OUT! One of my worst fears has been confirmed: pet treats at PetSmart containing peanut butter can kill your pet. This is particularly disturbing because Giuseppe (my pet python) gets really squeezy when he doesn’t get his favorite peanut butter treats. Just stay tuned and I’ll let you know when peanut butter treats are safe again.

PS: What the hell is “salmonella” anyway?

Some kid, after years of Sega, NEEDED a pet hedgehog, which he got. He found out, to his dismay, that hedgehogs were illegal in his state. So what did he do? He took his cause to court, just like I would. After months of debate, hedgehogs were finally legalized. My wife says that when we get a pet hedgehog she wants to name it Lucifer. Here’s the link:

http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2009/01/03/pkg.hedgehog.love.ktka

I just read on the news that some nutty lady up in Pennsylvania was trying to sell kittens with piercings on eBay. This is pretty cruel and I would never consider piercing my kitten. The auction described one kitten, called “Snarley Monster”, was described as “a three-month-old, floppy-eared, loveable kitten with a docked tail”. Snarley Monster is pictured below.

There were also kittens with back piercings (whatever that’s supposed to be). The seller was hoping to get $400+ per kitten. Gross.

Here’s a link to the article that I lifted this information and the picture from: http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/World-News/Gothic-Kittens-Animals-With-Pierced-Ears-And-Neck-Seized-By-Protection-Officers-In-Pennsylvania/Article/200812315187322?lpos=World_News_Second_World_News_Article_Teaser_Region_1&lid=ARTICLE_15187322_Gothic_Kittens%3A_Animals_With_Pierced_Ears_And_Neck_Seized_By_Protection_Officers_In_Pennsylvania

In case you haven’t heard already, Knut, the AWESOME polar bear cub who captured our hearts and minds a year or so ago (pictured below), is BEING SOLD. I intend to buy him.

Look, here’s the thing. I love that bear. I never got to Germany to visit him and I can’t imagine going to some other loser country where he might wind up. My plan is to keep him in the middle bedroom of our apartment. There’s a red sofa in there that he can sleep on and a book case and I could even clear our stuff out of the closet. There’s only one problem: polar bears are expensive. BUT I’m taking donations. Please leave the amount you’re pledging along with contact information as a comment and I will get back to you. This is urgent. I expect I’ll need $100,000+ USD. Contributors will have some visitation privileges.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4J60rc0fv8Q]

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PgkOKLRQjlo]
I have nothing to add.

This one has been up at one of my anonymous news sources for quite a while now so I felt that I should mention it just for the of completeness. This dog, Buddy–real creative, was trained by his owner to bite a telephone if he (the owner) has a seizure. Well, he did and so he did. YAWN.

Peep the video here if you want

**No images of Buddy were available, so this picture from Wikipedia is the best I could do. It looks a lot like Buddy, though.