BEARSCARE

The Hybrid Death Snake (HDS) is not actually a snake. It certainly contains DNA from the deadliest snakes on the planet, but it’s much more.

In 1994, NATO officials approved a program to create a weapon unlike any other in history: a living weapon. Henri deFluche, an unofficial spokesman for the NATO Exotic Weapons Directorate, states, “we knew bombs were not enough. Bombs kill instantly rather than systematically. If you survive the blast, that’s it. The Hybrid Death Snake is different.”

Derived from DNA of the — sit down for this one — Cobra, Rattlesnake, Komodo Dragon, Great White Shark, Brown Bear, Hippopotamus, Rat, Human, Tortoise, Pit Viper and Lion, the HDS is the most dangerous animal in the world. It is believed that a computer chip embedded at birth in each individual’s brain allows NATO control, but there have been no published studies establishing the efficacy of such a device.

There are no photographs of the HDS publicly available, but an artist’s impression shows a scaly creature with six burly legs, cats’ eyes and a jaw, fitted with appropriate fangs, sufficient to eat even larger-than-average men. Keep an eye out.

On Tuesday, August 24, 2010, Colonel Harland Sanders emerged from a smoking space capsule which crashed into the Florida Everglades. Not knowing his true identity, emergency responders were baffled by his repeated, successful evasion of their attempts to bring him to a hospital for evaluation. After several hours, some of the paramedics apparently gave up; the rest went missing and their whereabouts are still uncertain.

The public became aware of the arrival of the fabled chicken entrepreneur when he appeared behind a podium later that afternoon in the Florida House of Delegates. Camera crews were already filming in anticipation for a debate concerning the future welfare of crocodiles. Sanders, who now stands over 11 feet (3.4 meters), was greeted with silence by the delegates who had already arrived; everyone was too scared to question how he had made it past security. One of the House staffers took the following picture with her Blackberry:

After breathing heavily for several minutes, he closed his eyes and relaxed his gigantic frame. Instantly, the image of a starving crocodile disappeared from the large projection screen on the wall behind the podium (above Sanders) and he apparently willed the following statement to appear:

HUMAN MEN AND WOMEN OF PLANET EARTH 1: I HAVE RETURNED AFTER INTERCEPTING RADIO TRANSMISSIONS ORIGINATING FROM YOUR FINE PLANET. I COME IN PEACE.

I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 30 YEARS TRAVELING THE UNIVERSE TO BRING MY FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD ORIGINAL RECIPE TO OTHER CIVILIZATIONS. I HAVE MET MANY POWERFUL LEADERS FROM OTHER EARTHS AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT EARTH 1 AND THEY ARE OK WITH EVERYONE COEXISTING IN PEACE.

IN 1970, I USED MY FORTUNE TO INVEST IN A HYPER-WARP PROTON ENGINE TO FACILITATE INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL. UPON ITS COMPLETION IN 1978, I BEGAN PLANNING TO FABRICATE MY OWN DEATH; THE WORLD WAS NOT READY TO KNOW MY DREAM OF SPREADING PEACE AND FRIED CHICKEN ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.

THE TRANSMISSIONS I INTERCEPTED, AN APPARENT ADVERTISEMENT FOR MODERN KFC PRODUCTS, DESCRIBED MY CHICKEN AS “SO S-O-G-DOUBLE O-D GOOD”. WHILE I APPRECIATE THIS PRAISE, THE SAME TRANSMISSIONS CONFUSED SOME OTHER-WORDLY CULTURES WHOM I HAD TAUGHT ENGLISH. THE EMPEROR OF EARTH 7 THOUGHT THE LANGUAGE MEANT “SO-SO GOOD”, AS IF THE CHICKEN WAS JUST BARELY GOOD. I WAS IMMEDIATELY ASKED TO LEAVE AND PAINTED AS A HOAX. MY ADVICE TO ALL EARTH 1 LEADERS IS TO KEEP AN EYE ON EARTH 7. PLEASE, IN THE FUTURE, CHECK ALL BROADCASTS FOR AMBIGUITIES.

I WILL NOW CONTINUE MY MISSION. I PLAN TO RETURN IN 2052 TO COMMEMORATE THE OPENING OF THE FIRST KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN. UNTIL THEN, I WISH YOU PEACE, PROSPERITY AND HARMONY. THANK YOU.

Sanders then, as described by one onlooker, “glided out the door” and then ran, stopping only at a Pet Smart where he collected all the fish, small mammals, birds, but not reptiles, back to his capsule, which hovered briefly over the swamp and then accelerated in a direct path towards Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter.

Until today, below is the last know photograph of Colonel Sanders, taken several weeks before his faked death in 1980:

His survivors have not answered calls concerning a possible exhumation, but activists have dug in on both sides of the debate. Harland Sanders III issued the following press statement: “What would we even find? I know my grandfather, and that was him. Whoever or whatever is in that tomb is inconsequential.” An opposing opinion, however, offered by KFC fan Billy Marcus countered, “We’re visited by an 11 foot being from outer space who claims to be The Colonel. We need to investigate.” Both sides are assembling teams of lawyers and it will likely be months before any Earthly action is taken.

One question remains, however, and that is Sanders’ size. We contacted Fritz Leeuwenhoek, an associate director at the Large Hadron Collider, an underground particle accelerator located at the French-Swiss border. After considering our description of the events, he responded, through a translator, “My theory is that this was indeed Colonel Sanders. His increased stature could be easily explained as a relativistic side effect of traveling at speeds very close to, and sometimes faster, than the speed of light for an extended period of time. 30 years would be sufficient for a 40-90% elongation.”

This is all we have so far. There will no doubt be more on this in the near future.

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/08/24/colonel.sanders.returns.from.space/index.html?hpt=T2

Three blizzards have hit my home in the last couple months, and I’m very concerned about a hazard to public safety that no news outlets have reported. The Yeti, or the more commonly known, anglicized version, The Abominable Snowman, is a rare hominid which inhabits the colder reaches of our planet. Although it is estimated that 95% of Yetis live in Greenland, populations are believed to exist as far south as British Columbia, in Canada, and as far north as the southernmost regions of Chile. Photographs and video of Yetis have never been verified since the organism has never been properly studied; it’s trivial to make an image of a human-like animal in the woods and so, historically, it’s been very difficult to isolate the fakes from real evidence.

The Yeti, unlike a conventional human, averages roughly 2 meters (6.6 feet) in height and roughly 150 kg (330 lbs) in mass. Yetis are primarily carnivorous, though they rely on tree bark for fiber to facilitate digestion an primitive algae growth on rocks for essential vitamins and minerals. Their primary prey is cloven hoofed animals, including Roe Deer and the common swine. Yetis, on average, require 2-3 kg of meat per day to survive; studies concerning their vegetarian needs have been inadequate and lacking, and the scientific community has yet to reach any consensus regarding such dietary requirements.

Documented human interactions with Yetis are nearly non-existent. Most encounters exist in folk-lore and not verifiable literature. It is generally understood throughout the community that the lack of evidence reflects poorly on the reliability of the collectors rather than the scientists; individuals who are in position to interact with Yetis rarely possess the presence of mind to accurately document these encounters. And so the Yeti, in any official sense, remains a mystery. I urge all East Coast residents to keep their eyes open for our majestic, furry cousins; we may never understand aliens, but at least Yetis are within our grasp.

Scientists examining Google Earth imagery have found proof that the Loch Ness “Monster” is, in fact, real. “It’s a Plesiosaur, for sure. We thought that and it’s nice that we were actually right,” according to Billy “Nibbles” Wilson, a paleontologist and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University. “And there isn’t just one; no, these guys have been breeding for millions of years. The big question is how do we catch one to study.”

Loch Ness Monster surfacing for air

Plesiosaurs are very large, sea faring dinosauric reptiles. They are carnivores and are thought to have preyed on early land mammals. They were thought to have gone extinct along with most other dinosaurs 64,000,000 years ago. The Loch Ness has always been known to have unusually generous biological features, and strange animals have been widely reported since its discovery in 877 AD. The first “monster” sighting was reported in 901 AD by the historian Josephus, who, apparently, saw a “humped beast emerge from the sea and then disappear.” Intrigue has built ever since until now.

“Now my life is complete,” Wilson went on, “and I don’t need to deal with people calling me ‘stupid’ or ‘loser’ anymore. Guess who the losers are now! Dinosaurs are real.”

Generally cryptozoologists agree that Nessie will have cognitive abilities on par with the common salamander, but nobody knows for sure. Keep checking back for updates.

You may have seen headlines about a mysterious “blob” floating in the Arctic Ocean around the Berring Straight in Alaska. What you may not know, however, is that there is no mystery to this blob. First, though, here’s a picture of the blob.

Scientists are no strangers to strange “blobs” and references to such organisms go back past Aristotle. Currently, “we know more than you might think about these things,” explains Werner Lindenberg, a professor at Radford University. “We know the great blob is made up of billions of smaller organisms; worms, actually.” Lindenberg went on to describe an intricate system in which millions of round worms (see below) involuntarily swarm together. “They don’t do it on purpose. Well, they can’t; they just aren’t smart enough. But they induce the behavior in each other and, as a group, have been shown to possess intelligence rivaling that of a medium sized mammal, such as a rabbit or fox.”

Presently, the blob is floating through the Berring Straight and both scientists and government officials are concerned it may stay close to the coast and enter the Puget Sound. “Oh yeah, FEMA knows. We alerted them to this thing a week ago,” replied Amos McMillan, a Washington State Coast Guard spokesman. He went on to explain that, apparently, President Oabama has assigned Vice President Biden to run a taskforce within FEMA to make sure that the “Katrina fiasco” isn’t repeated. “That was just a hurricane,” a figure claimed to be Biden says on a videotape provided by McMillan, “these are worms. They are alive and there’s more of them than us. We will use whatever force is necessary to acheive a satisfactory conclusion to this threat. No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that.”

"No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that." -Joe Biden

That’s all we know right now, so keep checking back for more updates.

One of the most interesting and rarest behaviors of the Great White Shark has been filmed for the first time (ever). An exceptionally large speciman washed ashore in New York, NY, and was observed by local beach goers.

“He bit right through it,” commented Silvie LeFramboise, “At first I was going to touch it, but then I found a stick. It was a good thing I did.” It’s a little known fact that over 60% of Great White Shark attacks actually take place on dry land; unsuspecting beach goers approach the giant killers thinking they’ve washed ashore dead, only to learn that the shark is very much alive and, as always, hunting. Ms. LeFramboise was lucky to escape with her life. “They said if I had been a step closer, I wouldn’t have made it. I feel more alive now than I ever have. I’m going to quit my job.”

Rod Fink Jr., however, was not so lucky. The up and coming paper entrepreneur had been vacationing in Sydney, Australia and had decided to try his hand at surfing one day. After not catching the first wave he went after, he paddled out for another try. “That was the last I saw of him. Paddling,” remarked Fink Sr., who saw the footage on youtube, “But this youtube thing is incredible. How long has it been around? Oh, but with Rod Jr., it was a really unfitting end. Really just a shame.” The paddling was actually just the last known footage of Fink. It turns out that after several unsuccessful tries, he began sulking on the beach. Eventually, he came upon a Great White Shark sunning itself. Still itching to assert his dominance over the sea, Fink crouched down in front of the giant fish and began to speak. No sooner had he opened his mouth had the shark done the same. And that was that.

The boar-croc is an ancient animal which shares characteristics of both crocodiles (large alligators) and wild pigs, such as boars. The animal was discovered in early January but only announced Sunday. The discovery was kept secret to allow a multinational team of zoologists to conduct a thorough survey of current crocodile and pig species to make sure this animal is not a threat. Fortunately, it was found that the boar-croc was most likely killed off in North America by Spanish colonialists in the 17th Century. “The current threat status to humans and other crocodiles is negligible,” remarked the beast’s discoverer, Paul Sereno. “We are much more concerned with other, exotic crocodilian variants”

The boar-croc along with a multinational team of researchers

Source: http://www.examiner.com/r-6589195~The__Boar_Croc__dined_on_dinosaurs.html

You may have heard a lot about The Octomom in the news lately but you may not know what she’s all about, and so I’m here with the scoop.

It all started back in 2007 when an animal was discovered off the coast of South America called an Octosquid (pictured below).

The octosquid is bassically half octopus (Octopus cyanea, a cephalopod) and half Southern Giant Squid (Architeuthis sanctipauli, also a cephalopod). See below.

Scientists have been baffled for 2 years now trying to figure out how such a monster could come to be. They theorized that there must be some shared ancestor in the evolution of octopi and squids from dinosaurs and they named this ancestor The Octomom. Aparently, an Octomom has been recently located, except very few details have come out about her condition. The one thing we know is that she spawned 8 offspring very recently. Perhaps the fact that she was giving birth explains why she ventured out of the safety of deep, southern Pacific waters. Check back here for updates.

So, science did it again; the biggest snake of all time has been discovered somewhere in S. America. This badboy is over 40′ long and, according to some guy I heard on NPR, could be thick enough to reach up to your hip if you’re a weak-ass little man. Otherwise, the snake would probably only be knee-high, which is absolutely intimidating, but at least not waste-high.

The snake discovered was over 60 million years old and discovered in one of those “countries” in S. America (who cares which?). What is that place, Isla Nublar? Get over it, guys. I SAW big anacondas in PR when I went–well, not literally, but whatever. I’ve had it. Snake below.