BEARSCARE

A recent surge of Burmese python attacks has both researchers and authorities concerned. Apparently the python, which was illegally introduced into Florida in the late ’80s by notorious snake dealer, Ferdinand “Fang” Mueller, has flourished and grown far more numerous than its food supply, which consists mostly of pigs, weasels and small monkeys. “We don’t find the bodies, because there are no remains. We do see, however, very well fed pythons. You know, there’s a big lump in the middle,” explains Harry Hinson, a snake expert employed by Biscayne County, FL. The 7-8 meter long snakes (21-24″) can weigh upwards of 400 kg and need to feed approximately twice per week, which is much more often than similarly sized snakes.

“The problem is,” continues Hinson, “their metabolisms actually adapt to their surroundings. Now we’ve got a lot of hogs in Biscayne County, so the snakes eat more of them. It’s a vicious cycle. And I do mean vicious.” The concern, stated Hinson, is that once the food supply is exhausted, the pythons will turn their beady eyes and forked tongues toward the human population. Several disappearances are expected to be the result of python attacks. “Yup, it’s already started. We’ve had half a dozen swamp people go missing in the last month alone,” remarked Hinson.

Fang Mueller is currently incarcerated in the Sarasota State Penitentiary. He generally declines requests from the press, but did release this statement last week:

“A lot of people are asking me if I regret my illegal activities. The answer is no. I regret getting caught. When buyers were plentiful, I was making a lot of money off those snakes. It was the American dream. And then they stopped buying them because they got all sentimental when the snakes started eating pets. What did you expect? So there I was with over 200 pythons. I had to do something, so I dumped them in the damn swamp. So shoot me! It’s what any last one of you would have done.”

Mueller was convicted of illegal snake smuggling in 2005 and, under Florida’s strict snake laws, was sentenced to 60 years in prison. He will be eligible for parole in 2018.

14 January 2010

Yesterday, a hippo escaped the Montenegro National Zoo (MNZ). Heavy rains had flooded the zoo and water levels rose above cage walls, allowing Nikica the hippo to swim to his destiny.

“I will not the make a kill,” remarked Nikoli Sregev, NMZ central administrator. “The hippo…the gentle creature…eat a rat or mini bird. We make this kill? Unaccept.”

Generally, hippos shouldn’t be approached, though some suggest that they are among the gentler cow derivatives. Hippopotami will kill humans, but they usually have good reason; bulls have traditionally felt threatened by encroaching hominids, and this legacy still stands. Please, keep a conservative distance when hippo-gazing.

You may have thought that terrorism is limited to human beings, but this is proof that some bears have been recruited to commit hate crimes. In this case, a Syrian bear killed a common brown bear in cold blood at a zoo in Germany. No one is sure of the motive, but the bear is in custody. Funeral plans have not been announced for the victim.

Personally, I believe both bears are victims. What sicko put this bear up to such a horrible crime? I mean, this has made the news worldwide, so, to whoever crafted this atrocity, congratulations, we’re all REALLY impressed. You forced one innocent bear to kill another. This is absolutely disgusting.

BREAKING NEWS

An unconfirmed report has come in that J. K. Rowling, author of the popular book series, Harry Potter, has been severly mauled by either a bear or mountain lion (or both) in Yellowstone Park. No one is sure what she was doing there, but there has been speculation that she was visiting while on vacation for some wizard trickery. The reports are still spotty, but sources say that the first emergency calls came in around 2 PM, Mountain Time, on Wednesday, July 15.

“What? No, it can’t be. No. No, no! No,” responded Wallace Kippering, one of Rowling’s attorneys. Although the report has yet to be confirmed, Harry Potter fans are already congregating at schools and forest clearings to say goodbye to Rowling in their own way. “First we cast a circle out of salt and then we built a fire and, and then magic spells.” Explained one fan, asked only to be identified as Ron. “She’ll live on if we get this right. I know it,” continued Ron who then turned to another friend and yelled something in the Harry’s wizard language.

Last known photograph of Pure Blood Wizardess Rowling

The attack couldn’t have come at a less convenient time for Rowling. The latest in the Harry Potter series of movies, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, was released Wednesday and has been getting so-so reviews. “As if it weren’t bad enough the movie’s no good, now Rowling is gone. We didn’t need this,” remarked Carl Baker, an unofficial spokesman for Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. “This was the important one. We’ll never sell tickets if we can’t get [Rowling] out to the theaters to drum up support,” continued Baker, who then hailed a cab. “If it’s true,” he yelled back, “then she went down doing what she loved! Witchcraft in the woods!”

Some polar bear, probably not Knut, attacked a woman at the Berlin Zoo. She probably wanted a hug, so she climbed into the cage. Most people don’t understand that polar bears are highly territorial and need to be consulted before an encounter. Too bad for her, but not too bad.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html

A chimpanzee named Travis died Monday after severely biting a woman in Connecticut. Police were unable to negotiate with the chimp and resorted to deadly force. “He had a wild look in his eyes,” remarked police commissioner, Mark Willis. “He kept throwing his head around and shrieking. We shouted for him to put his hands up, but it was as if he didn’t even hear us. We had no other choice.” The unidentified woman was hospitalized and listed in critical condition. After Travis’ family has been notified, funeral plans will be announced. This is a currently developing story, so check back for updates.

RIP, Travis the Chimp

Source

This is a BEARSCARE ALERT

OK, listen up everybody. Especially everybody living in Australia (see below).

There have been a SERIES of shark attacks. It all started when this one guy was snorkeling (sharks LOVE snorkelers, so go figure). He disappeared and the only remnant they found was part of his wetsuit. In my opinion, the most likely culprit in this attack is the hammerhead.

But this is where it gets scary: two more attacks happened in Tasmania. Both victims were surfers and both were victimized by Great White Sharks. This means that, for the first time in history, two species of sharks are teaming up against humans. This is absolutely terrifying. If sharks can sustain inter-species communication, they are much smarter than all experts (myself excluded) previously believed.

Right now all coastal nations need to gather to discuss the implications of this underwater conspiracy and decide how to combat it. Together we are strong but alone we are shark food.

CNN posted this video today of a kid’s run-in with a sweet coyote. It was a draw, but I like to think the coyote had the last laugh.

Did you know pandas bite? Well, it turns out they do. A student from the south of China broke into a panda cage to try to coax the animal into hugging him, according to the AP. The kid didn’t get a hug, though. Nope, he got LIT UP by the panda. Let this be a lesson to everyone who wants panda hugs: you need to know what you’re doing and know your panda first. Here’s what the scene probably looked like:

And here’s a link to the story: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,456447,00.html

I’ve just been made aware of an email which has been circulating about a bear attack in Manitoba. It claims to contain a graphic picture of a nonfatal bear attack. Here is the text of the email:

Bear Attack in
Churchill
,
Manitoba
,
Canada
.

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.

These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop
the attack.

Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full
recovery.

The photo’s are below.

Warning, graphic photos!!!

In case anybody who receives this email is concerned that it’s a virus, don’t worry–it isn’t. I’m including the picture from the email and, I must say, I’m a little underwhelmed by the carnage. Here’s the picture.