BEARSCARE

The Hybrid Death Snake (HDS) is not actually a snake. It certainly contains DNA from the deadliest snakes on the planet, but it’s much more.

In 1994, NATO officials approved a program to create a weapon unlike any other in history: a living weapon. Henri deFluche, an unofficial spokesman for the NATO Exotic Weapons Directorate, states, “we knew bombs were not enough. Bombs kill instantly rather than systematically. If you survive the blast, that’s it. The Hybrid Death Snake is different.”

Derived from DNA of the — sit down for this one — Cobra, Rattlesnake, Komodo Dragon, Great White Shark, Brown Bear, Hippopotamus, Rat, Human, Tortoise, Pit Viper and Lion, the HDS is the most dangerous animal in the world. It is believed that a computer chip embedded at birth in each individual’s brain allows NATO control, but there have been no published studies establishing the efficacy of such a device.

There are no photographs of the HDS publicly available, but an artist’s impression shows a scaly creature with six burly legs, cats’ eyes and a jaw, fitted with appropriate fangs, sufficient to eat even larger-than-average men. Keep an eye out.

On Tuesday, August 24, 2010, Colonel Harland Sanders emerged from a smoking space capsule which crashed into the Florida Everglades. Not knowing his true identity, emergency responders were baffled by his repeated, successful evasion of their attempts to bring him to a hospital for evaluation. After several hours, some of the paramedics apparently gave up; the rest went missing and their whereabouts are still uncertain.

The public became aware of the arrival of the fabled chicken entrepreneur when he appeared behind a podium later that afternoon in the Florida House of Delegates. Camera crews were already filming in anticipation for a debate concerning the future welfare of crocodiles. Sanders, who now stands over 11 feet (3.4 meters), was greeted with silence by the delegates who had already arrived; everyone was too scared to question how he had made it past security. One of the House staffers took the following picture with her Blackberry:

After breathing heavily for several minutes, he closed his eyes and relaxed his gigantic frame. Instantly, the image of a starving crocodile disappeared from the large projection screen on the wall behind the podium (above Sanders) and he apparently willed the following statement to appear:

HUMAN MEN AND WOMEN OF PLANET EARTH 1: I HAVE RETURNED AFTER INTERCEPTING RADIO TRANSMISSIONS ORIGINATING FROM YOUR FINE PLANET. I COME IN PEACE.

I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 30 YEARS TRAVELING THE UNIVERSE TO BRING MY FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD ORIGINAL RECIPE TO OTHER CIVILIZATIONS. I HAVE MET MANY POWERFUL LEADERS FROM OTHER EARTHS AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT EARTH 1 AND THEY ARE OK WITH EVERYONE COEXISTING IN PEACE.

IN 1970, I USED MY FORTUNE TO INVEST IN A HYPER-WARP PROTON ENGINE TO FACILITATE INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL. UPON ITS COMPLETION IN 1978, I BEGAN PLANNING TO FABRICATE MY OWN DEATH; THE WORLD WAS NOT READY TO KNOW MY DREAM OF SPREADING PEACE AND FRIED CHICKEN ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.

THE TRANSMISSIONS I INTERCEPTED, AN APPARENT ADVERTISEMENT FOR MODERN KFC PRODUCTS, DESCRIBED MY CHICKEN AS “SO S-O-G-DOUBLE O-D GOOD”. WHILE I APPRECIATE THIS PRAISE, THE SAME TRANSMISSIONS CONFUSED SOME OTHER-WORDLY CULTURES WHOM I HAD TAUGHT ENGLISH. THE EMPEROR OF EARTH 7 THOUGHT THE LANGUAGE MEANT “SO-SO GOOD”, AS IF THE CHICKEN WAS JUST BARELY GOOD. I WAS IMMEDIATELY ASKED TO LEAVE AND PAINTED AS A HOAX. MY ADVICE TO ALL EARTH 1 LEADERS IS TO KEEP AN EYE ON EARTH 7. PLEASE, IN THE FUTURE, CHECK ALL BROADCASTS FOR AMBIGUITIES.

I WILL NOW CONTINUE MY MISSION. I PLAN TO RETURN IN 2052 TO COMMEMORATE THE OPENING OF THE FIRST KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN. UNTIL THEN, I WISH YOU PEACE, PROSPERITY AND HARMONY. THANK YOU.

Sanders then, as described by one onlooker, “glided out the door” and then ran, stopping only at a Pet Smart where he collected all the fish, small mammals, birds, but not reptiles, back to his capsule, which hovered briefly over the swamp and then accelerated in a direct path towards Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter.

Until today, below is the last know photograph of Colonel Sanders, taken several weeks before his faked death in 1980:

His survivors have not answered calls concerning a possible exhumation, but activists have dug in on both sides of the debate. Harland Sanders III issued the following press statement: “What would we even find? I know my grandfather, and that was him. Whoever or whatever is in that tomb is inconsequential.” An opposing opinion, however, offered by KFC fan Billy Marcus countered, “We’re visited by an 11 foot being from outer space who claims to be The Colonel. We need to investigate.” Both sides are assembling teams of lawyers and it will likely be months before any Earthly action is taken.

One question remains, however, and that is Sanders’ size. We contacted Fritz Leeuwenhoek, an associate director at the Large Hadron Collider, an underground particle accelerator located at the French-Swiss border. After considering our description of the events, he responded, through a translator, “My theory is that this was indeed Colonel Sanders. His increased stature could be easily explained as a relativistic side effect of traveling at speeds very close to, and sometimes faster, than the speed of light for an extended period of time. 30 years would be sufficient for a 40-90% elongation.”

This is all we have so far. There will no doubt be more on this in the near future.

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/08/24/colonel.sanders.returns.from.space/index.html?hpt=T2

I have come up with an idea for a new all-purpose military aircraft. What does this have to do with bears, you might ask? Everything. The airplane is based on the grizzly bear. It’s called BFA-1000000 Grizzly Bear (bomber-fighter-attack-one-MILLION) and it’s SO much better than other aircraft. Its airframe is similar to that of the F/A-18 Hornet, except my airplane is totally loaded down with more weapons than you could ever imagine.

If you were to look up as a BFA-1000000 was flying overhead, mostly you would just see gray cylinders (bombs) and missiles. What you wouldn’t be able to see (because they’re obstructed by all the bombs and missiles) are the battering rams, located on the nose and each wing, and the machine guns, located in the nose, the wings, that tail-fin-thing, the wheels, and the rudders. And, just in case, the pilot would be armed with a revolver for times when he really needs to rock. Basically, the my airplane can own anyone at any time in any place. The BFA-1000000 turns M.A.D. into just plain old A.D.