BEARSCARE

Memory corealization (Déjà Vu) is a phenomenon where an individual experiencing an instantaneous event recalls a real or imagined, past event as if the two were the same, occurring concurrently, while retaining a sense of separation in time. Starting with Aristotle, scientists, behavioral researchers and other experts have been unable to explain this phenomena. Today, a colleague and I conceived a theory which exhaustively explains Déjà Vu using logical deduction and proven scientific law.

The key to our theory is the fact that our universe is accelerating in its expansion; this is a relatively new discovery, but its implications are profound. Our theory derives from two propositions:

1) The universe’s expansion is accelerating outward radially. Therefore, our perception of time at a young age is different than our current perception of time (assuming adult age); that is, time apparently speeds up as we age since our absolute velocity through the cosmos is continually increasing, maintaining a gradient* of temporal perception**.

2) The well-known theory of the existence of a multiverse is true. More specifically, the multiverse is realized by infinite space and dimensions containing infinitely numerous “big-bang” events which, in some cases, can interact with each other .

Therefore, a nominally expanding sphere of temporal perception interrupted occasionally by distant or extradimensional effects of an alternate creative event can alter an individual’s perception of time, thus inducing familiar yet unexplainable effects in memory.

QED.

*The structure of this gradient is currently under debate. Theories of its nature vary between constant, linear, and high-order polynomial forms.

**This assumes that there is no absolute standard for perception of time, but only that there exists a relative difference between an entity’s first memory of the passage of time compared to his/her perception as he/she ages. The proposition does not address the question of the possibility of a continual shift in perception of time over the existence of sentience in the known universe; unfortunately, at this time, data are not known to exist to analyze this matter and probably will not until the theory posited here is accepted and subsequent studies are commissioned; even then, considering the magnitude of the distances and forces necessary to gather accurate data, hundreds of thousands of years’, if not millions’, worth of data would be required.

The Hybrid Death Snake (HDS) is not actually a snake. It certainly contains DNA from the deadliest snakes on the planet, but it’s much more.

In 1994, NATO officials approved a program to create a weapon unlike any other in history: a living weapon. Henri deFluche, an unofficial spokesman for the NATO Exotic Weapons Directorate, states, “we knew bombs were not enough. Bombs kill instantly rather than systematically. If you survive the blast, that’s it. The Hybrid Death Snake is different.”

Derived from DNA of the — sit down for this one — Cobra, Rattlesnake, Komodo Dragon, Great White Shark, Brown Bear, Hippopotamus, Rat, Human, Tortoise, Pit Viper and Lion, the HDS is the most dangerous animal in the world. It is believed that a computer chip embedded at birth in each individual’s brain allows NATO control, but there have been no published studies establishing the efficacy of such a device.

There are no photographs of the HDS publicly available, but an artist’s impression shows a scaly creature with six burly legs, cats’ eyes and a jaw, fitted with appropriate fangs, sufficient to eat even larger-than-average men. Keep an eye out.

On Tuesday, August 24, 2010, Colonel Harland Sanders emerged from a smoking space capsule which crashed into the Florida Everglades. Not knowing his true identity, emergency responders were baffled by his repeated, successful evasion of their attempts to bring him to a hospital for evaluation. After several hours, some of the paramedics apparently gave up; the rest went missing and their whereabouts are still uncertain.

The public became aware of the arrival of the fabled chicken entrepreneur when he appeared behind a podium later that afternoon in the Florida House of Delegates. Camera crews were already filming in anticipation for a debate concerning the future welfare of crocodiles. Sanders, who now stands over 11 feet (3.4 meters), was greeted with silence by the delegates who had already arrived; everyone was too scared to question how he had made it past security. One of the House staffers took the following picture with her Blackberry:

After breathing heavily for several minutes, he closed his eyes and relaxed his gigantic frame. Instantly, the image of a starving crocodile disappeared from the large projection screen on the wall behind the podium (above Sanders) and he apparently willed the following statement to appear:

HUMAN MEN AND WOMEN OF PLANET EARTH 1: I HAVE RETURNED AFTER INTERCEPTING RADIO TRANSMISSIONS ORIGINATING FROM YOUR FINE PLANET. I COME IN PEACE.

I HAVE SPENT THE LAST 30 YEARS TRAVELING THE UNIVERSE TO BRING MY FINGER LICKIN’ GOOD ORIGINAL RECIPE TO OTHER CIVILIZATIONS. I HAVE MET MANY POWERFUL LEADERS FROM OTHER EARTHS AND I WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT I TOLD THEM ALL ABOUT EARTH 1 AND THEY ARE OK WITH EVERYONE COEXISTING IN PEACE.

IN 1970, I USED MY FORTUNE TO INVEST IN A HYPER-WARP PROTON ENGINE TO FACILITATE INTERSTELLAR TRAVEL. UPON ITS COMPLETION IN 1978, I BEGAN PLANNING TO FABRICATE MY OWN DEATH; THE WORLD WAS NOT READY TO KNOW MY DREAM OF SPREADING PEACE AND FRIED CHICKEN ACROSS THE UNIVERSE.

THE TRANSMISSIONS I INTERCEPTED, AN APPARENT ADVERTISEMENT FOR MODERN KFC PRODUCTS, DESCRIBED MY CHICKEN AS “SO S-O-G-DOUBLE O-D GOOD”. WHILE I APPRECIATE THIS PRAISE, THE SAME TRANSMISSIONS CONFUSED SOME OTHER-WORDLY CULTURES WHOM I HAD TAUGHT ENGLISH. THE EMPEROR OF EARTH 7 THOUGHT THE LANGUAGE MEANT “SO-SO GOOD”, AS IF THE CHICKEN WAS JUST BARELY GOOD. I WAS IMMEDIATELY ASKED TO LEAVE AND PAINTED AS A HOAX. MY ADVICE TO ALL EARTH 1 LEADERS IS TO KEEP AN EYE ON EARTH 7. PLEASE, IN THE FUTURE, CHECK ALL BROADCASTS FOR AMBIGUITIES.

I WILL NOW CONTINUE MY MISSION. I PLAN TO RETURN IN 2052 TO COMMEMORATE THE OPENING OF THE FIRST KENTUCKY FRIED CHICKEN. UNTIL THEN, I WISH YOU PEACE, PROSPERITY AND HARMONY. THANK YOU.

Sanders then, as described by one onlooker, “glided out the door” and then ran, stopping only at a Pet Smart where he collected all the fish, small mammals, birds, but not reptiles, back to his capsule, which hovered briefly over the swamp and then accelerated in a direct path towards Ganymede, a moon of Jupiter.

Until today, below is the last know photograph of Colonel Sanders, taken several weeks before his faked death in 1980:

His survivors have not answered calls concerning a possible exhumation, but activists have dug in on both sides of the debate. Harland Sanders III issued the following press statement: “What would we even find? I know my grandfather, and that was him. Whoever or whatever is in that tomb is inconsequential.” An opposing opinion, however, offered by KFC fan Billy Marcus countered, “We’re visited by an 11 foot being from outer space who claims to be The Colonel. We need to investigate.” Both sides are assembling teams of lawyers and it will likely be months before any Earthly action is taken.

One question remains, however, and that is Sanders’ size. We contacted Fritz Leeuwenhoek, an associate director at the Large Hadron Collider, an underground particle accelerator located at the French-Swiss border. After considering our description of the events, he responded, through a translator, “My theory is that this was indeed Colonel Sanders. His increased stature could be easily explained as a relativistic side effect of traveling at speeds very close to, and sometimes faster, than the speed of light for an extended period of time. 30 years would be sufficient for a 40-90% elongation.”

This is all we have so far. There will no doubt be more on this in the near future.

Source: http://www.cnn.com/2010/US/08/24/colonel.sanders.returns.from.space/index.html?hpt=T2

When I go out on my expeditions into the harshest environments (The Badlands, Antarctica, the Gobi, etc.), I travel light. But I also travel strong. The Cold Steel SRK is a knife which can do the following: cut through a car hood, serve as a ladder, open a can of peaches, DESTROY a parachute, stab right through body armor and into somebody, cut open boots, and even cut a fire hose. Don’t believe me? Look at this video, then do yourself a favor and buy one.

BREAKING NEWS

An unconfirmed report has come in that J. K. Rowling, author of the popular book series, Harry Potter, has been severly mauled by either a bear or mountain lion (or both) in Yellowstone Park. No one is sure what she was doing there, but there has been speculation that she was visiting while on vacation for some wizard trickery. The reports are still spotty, but sources say that the first emergency calls came in around 2 PM, Mountain Time, on Wednesday, July 15.

“What? No, it can’t be. No. No, no! No,” responded Wallace Kippering, one of Rowling’s attorneys. Although the report has yet to be confirmed, Harry Potter fans are already congregating at schools and forest clearings to say goodbye to Rowling in their own way. “First we cast a circle out of salt and then we built a fire and, and then magic spells.” Explained one fan, asked only to be identified as Ron. “She’ll live on if we get this right. I know it,” continued Ron who then turned to another friend and yelled something in the Harry’s wizard language.

Last known photograph of Pure Blood Wizardess Rowling

The attack couldn’t have come at a less convenient time for Rowling. The latest in the Harry Potter series of movies, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, was released Wednesday and has been getting so-so reviews. “As if it weren’t bad enough the movie’s no good, now Rowling is gone. We didn’t need this,” remarked Carl Baker, an unofficial spokesman for Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. “This was the important one. We’ll never sell tickets if we can’t get [Rowling] out to the theaters to drum up support,” continued Baker, who then hailed a cab. “If it’s true,” he yelled back, “then she went down doing what she loved! Witchcraft in the woods!”

After his tragic death, Michael Jackson is getting more attention than ever. Who did it? How did he die? No one is asking, however, what ever became of his animal companions.

Meet Bubbles the Chimp.

Bubbles held by Michael Jackson

Bubbles was a 3 year old research chimp adopted by Jackson in the mid-1980s. He was selected because of his eerily Jackson-esque “dancing” skills. “As it turns out,” clarified Terrence Bartholomew, a short-time member of Jackson’s staff, “Bubbles had developed a muscle condition where involuntary spasms caused dance-like motions. We all thought it was weird, but [Jackson] was fascinated by him. He had to have him.” Bartholomew went on to point out that Bubbles could “dance” for around 4 minutes at a time, about the length of one of Jackson’s singles.

Jackson tended to dress Bubbles in attire similar to his own, which both he and Bubbles seemed to find very amusing. Despite having hit it off in the beginning, however, the relationship was not meant to last. Bubbles grew more and more aggressive and his dancing suffered accordingly. “Dancing is about feeling free, not angry,” remarked Trent “Cory” Coraline, an independent choreographer. “And you just can’t dance when you have that attitude.” When asked about anger in dancing chimps, Coraline refused to continue the interview. Bubbles was re-homed in an undisclosed chimp sanctuary in 1988 and has been heard from very rarely since.

In addition to chimps, I would like to take this moment to extend my deepest condolences to the family and friends of Billy Mays. Known for his abrasive, loud and tacky infomercials, this top-notch salesman will be missed by all. Billy, if you’re out there, I want you to know that I have mended many a broken-out-of python enclosure with Mighty Putty. Thank you.

RIP Billy Mays