BEARSCARE

A disturbing story is coming out of a Washington, DC suburb in Virginia. Apparently, a house cat was so upset with her owners’ purchase and use of a new vacuum cleaner that she lept off a balcony and fell 15′ feet onto a faux-wood floor. The attempt was unsuccessful and the cat, named Snickers (pictured below), holed up under a sofa for over two hours after the fall. Reports are coming in now that she’s moved to an old chair. Keep checking back.

NASA released a breakthrough astrobiological finding Thursday. NASA scientists have discovered animals made with arsenic rather than phosphorus, the fundamental building block of all known life. Arsenic, a metal, is structurally similar to phosphorus, a non-metal. Because of this, arsenic is deadly to phosphorus-based animals since their bodies incorrectly identify it as phosphorus and attempt to bond with it.

Found primarily on Rhea, a moon of Saturn, astrobiologists have identified over 900,000 species, ranging from small ant-like organisms to, “well, primates, if you will,” explains Shannon O’Keefe, NASA’s top astrobiology researcher and professor emeritus at Christopher Columbus University. O’Keefe went on to explain that high resolution photographs taken during fly-bys by NASA’s New Horizons deep space probe were the primary source for the new findings.

“We are planning a mission to attempt to interact or even communicate with the new species. Everything is moving very quickly. It’s very exciting,” O’Keefe went on, “We think the quickest way is to send a new space probe containing written and recorded information and also a radio transponder so that, if or when these new species have the intelligence to communicate, they will be able to do so.” O’Keefe would not comment on rumors that President Obama had ordered the 1970s era Pioneer design be used to save money, but she did answer, “Yes, we already spent the money and would like some return,” to the question of whether the space probe would include the Pioneer Plaque pictured below (NSFW version here).

Check back for updates on this rapidly developing story.

You may have thought that terrorism is limited to human beings, but this is proof that some bears have been recruited to commit hate crimes. In this case, a Syrian bear killed a common brown bear in cold blood at a zoo in Germany. No one is sure of the motive, but the bear is in custody. Funeral plans have not been announced for the victim.

Personally, I believe both bears are victims. What sicko put this bear up to such a horrible crime? I mean, this has made the news worldwide, so, to whoever crafted this atrocity, congratulations, we’re all REALLY impressed. You forced one innocent bear to kill another. This is absolutely disgusting.

On Friday, an airplane landed on an airstrip about 20 miles outside Chicago which, apparently, was piloted by a wild Grizzly bear. “We really don’t know what happened,” explained Roger Williams, a local police officer. “When we arrived at the airstrip, we could clearly see the bear in the cockpit and he was exteremely agitated. He was clawing at the windshield, which was getting pretty foggy.”

US Airways flight 1451 last radioed O’Hare Airport at 4:40 PM when the pilot requested permission to initiate the Boeing 757′s final approach. And “then he clicked off and the aircraft veered to the south,” remarked Jose Ramirez, the air traffic controller managing flight 1451. Ramirez went on, “I repeatedly tried to radio the pilot, but there was no response. I contacted the FBI and they said that they would give the situation top priority. I guess it wasn’t such a big deal and it’s a miracle they found that airstrip.” Later, when Mr. Ramirez was informed about the bear being the pilot, he sat down and refused to comment further.

When all the passengers had been evacuated, seasoned animal handlers opened the cockpit and subdued the bear; the pilot was nowhere to be found. A statement released by an official from the FAA, who asked to remain anonymous, read, “if, in fact, the pilot did disappear into thin air, then this bear is a hero. We have performed x-rays on the bear, and all we’ve found has been a dozen snack packs and a few apple juice containers. Look, we have no idea how this happened. We don’t know how the bear got onto the plane in the first place, we don’t know where the pilot is or when he left the cockpit, and we have no idea how the bear manipulated the controls. I mean, he had to press switches that were much, much smaller than his paw. Imagine typing on a keyboard with a plunger and that keyboard was responsible for the lives of over 100 people. Amazing. I still haven’t wrapped my head around this one.”

According to White House officials, President Obama was “literally seconds away from scrambling jets to engage and destroy the rogue airplane.” The White House has not released an official statement, but a press conference has been planned for 7:30 PM EST.

While I was conducting Walrus related research, I came upone this film strip of a Walrus playing a saxaphone along side a human being. I had no idea they were this intelligent.

Also, here’s a video of a mother walrus and a baby walrus. It is a little known fact that walruses and bears have a mutually respectful relationship. Although they are competitors for food, it is a friendly rivalry. Walruses and bears have even been observed sharing resources during particulaly cold or sparse winters.

One of the most interesting and rarest behaviors of the Great White Shark has been filmed for the first time (ever). An exceptionally large speciman washed ashore in New York, NY, and was observed by local beach goers.

“He bit right through it,” commented Silvie LeFramboise, “At first I was going to touch it, but then I found a stick. It was a good thing I did.” It’s a little known fact that over 60% of Great White Shark attacks actually take place on dry land; unsuspecting beach goers approach the giant killers thinking they’ve washed ashore dead, only to learn that the shark is very much alive and, as always, hunting. Ms. LeFramboise was lucky to escape with her life. “They said if I had been a step closer, I wouldn’t have made it. I feel more alive now than I ever have. I’m going to quit my job.”

Rod Fink Jr., however, was not so lucky. The up and coming paper entrepreneur had been vacationing in Sydney, Australia and had decided to try his hand at surfing one day. After not catching the first wave he went after, he paddled out for another try. “That was the last I saw of him. Paddling,” remarked Fink Sr., who saw the footage on youtube, “But this youtube thing is incredible. How long has it been around? Oh, but with Rod Jr., it was a really unfitting end. Really just a shame.” The paddling was actually just the last known footage of Fink. It turns out that after several unsuccessful tries, he began sulking on the beach. Eventually, he came upon a Great White Shark sunning itself. Still itching to assert his dominance over the sea, Fink crouched down in front of the giant fish and began to speak. No sooner had he opened his mouth had the shark done the same. And that was that.

After his tragic death, Michael Jackson is getting more attention than ever. Who did it? How did he die? No one is asking, however, what ever became of his animal companions.

Meet Bubbles the Chimp.

Bubbles held by Michael Jackson

Bubbles was a 3 year old research chimp adopted by Jackson in the mid-1980s. He was selected because of his eerily Jackson-esque “dancing” skills. “As it turns out,” clarified Terrence Bartholomew, a short-time member of Jackson’s staff, “Bubbles had developed a muscle condition where involuntary spasms caused dance-like motions. We all thought it was weird, but [Jackson] was fascinated by him. He had to have him.” Bartholomew went on to point out that Bubbles could “dance” for around 4 minutes at a time, about the length of one of Jackson’s singles.

Jackson tended to dress Bubbles in attire similar to his own, which both he and Bubbles seemed to find very amusing. Despite having hit it off in the beginning, however, the relationship was not meant to last. Bubbles grew more and more aggressive and his dancing suffered accordingly. “Dancing is about feeling free, not angry,” remarked Trent “Cory” Coraline, an independent choreographer. “And you just can’t dance when you have that attitude.” When asked about anger in dancing chimps, Coraline refused to continue the interview. Bubbles was re-homed in an undisclosed chimp sanctuary in 1988 and has been heard from very rarely since.

In addition to chimps, I would like to take this moment to extend my deepest condolences to the family and friends of Billy Mays. Known for his abrasive, loud and tacky infomercials, this top-notch salesman will be missed by all. Billy, if you’re out there, I want you to know that I have mended many a broken-out-of python enclosure with Mighty Putty. Thank you.

RIP Billy Mays

…And it isn’t a great ape.

Yesterday, the National Zoological Society, NZS, released shocking results from a recent study on intelligence in aquatic life. Organisms of the family Phocoenidae, more commonly known as porpoises (see below), according to the NZS, actually surpass human intelligence in many aspects of their complex lives. Up until now, humans have been assumed to be the smartest creatures on planet Earth; we were thought to be the only animals capable of analytical thought and are famous not only for being bipedal, but also our ability to swim and fly (with airplanes/balloons). All that has changed.

Human and Porpoise Attempting to Communicate

Like many animals (such as the Virginia Jellyfish), the porpoise has enjoyed a relatively low profile. The scientific community, especially when it comes to non-human intelligence, tends to prefer more “flashy” animals, such as chimpanzees and octopi. Hence, the porpoise, for thousands of years, has lived a highly ordered and complex life without human meddling. The NZS’s Aquatic Mammal  Task Force (AMTF), however, has been taking a closer look at porpoises in recent months thanks to stimulus money received from the Obama administration.

“Yeah, we got the call back in April. They said they could give us $750k, but we needed to submit a proposal,” remarked Joe “Joey” Chambers, a project manager at AMTF. “We said we’d draw something up right away and called a meeting to hash out some ideas. One of our interns, Kevin Schultz, brought up Phocoenidae; we asked him why, and he said, ‘why not?’ So, we went with it. Turns out the little buggers are smart.”

Actually, according to the groundbreaking paper publsihed in Proceedings from the 32nd Aquatic Mammal Conference, porpoises have, for all intents and purposes, replicated our success in mathematics, physics and even the arts. Although their means of expression are entirely different, observations of their hunting, social, recreational and family interactions have confirmed that humans are no longer the smartest animals on Planet Earth.

“It turns out the whales use nonlinear differential equations, even high order ones, to predict the movements of large schools of prey,” replied Kevin Schultz. We later learned that he had not been notified that the study actually had been conducted on porpoises at the time of the interview. Mr Schultz continued, “the average porpoise can pinpoint the exact location of an individual mackeral with about 200 cubic feet, about the size of a bathtub. And that’s astonishing.”

Although no human casualties have been attributed to porpoises, fishermen have observed individual porpoises swimming along side fishing boats, splashing their tail fins in patterns consistent with Morse Code, “though of course the letters were off–they’ve never learned our code, but they have they’re own. I never put two and two together, but now it makes perfect sense,” said an unidentified fisherman disembarking. “They were trying to communicate with us and we didn’t even know it.”

These results have already changed human history. Although rioting has been minimal and concentrated mostly in rural regions of the United States and several European countries, we expect extreme reactions worldwide to increase. “We just care about the science–doing it and reporting it,” said Joey Chambers, “and I’m sorry if people don’t like it. We can’t lie and we can’t keep quiet.”

URGENT.

During the past few weeks, I have been conducting a research study in the lakes and ponds of Virginia and have collected surprising results. The Virginia Jellyfish population has tripled over the last two years and the creatures are displaying increased levels of intelligence.

The Virginia Jellyfish is very similar to other jellyfish in appearance only. They are unique among jellyfish in that they have intelligence rivaling that of a medium rodent. Earlier this year, a fisherman observed two Virginia Jellyfish climb up the side of his boat and enter it, presumably looking for food. Since this first occurrence, reports of Virginia Jellyfish climbing into boats have flooded in and, reportedly, Virginia Governor Tim Kaine has formed a task force to evaluate the threat. “They’re just fish, you know, but the climbing has us very alarmed,” remarked Rhett Sinclair, an unofficial Kaine spokesperson. President Barack Obama has not released an official statement on the matter, but sources  say that he has been notified and is deeply troubled.

There have been no documented deaths from Virginia Jellyfish attacks, but several fisherman have been hospitalized with injuries consistent with jellyfish stings. The problem is that Virginia Jellyfish are pack hunters and will continue experiment with new, advanced techniques. It is only a matter of time before Virginia Jellyfish discover refrigerators and pantries; they can survive out of water for near 3 hours in some cases.

Basically, Virginia’s shot. If you live there, please look into nearby states or the District of Columbia. If you plan to cross state lines, please check yourself, car and clothing for possible Virginia Jellyfish eggs; they are always experimenting with new ways to increase their numbers and spread their influence. Check back regularly for updates, but all Virginians should expect to be quarantined at the very least.

It’s real, so watch out.

Monday, a Swedish chimp amassed an arsenal of rocks to hurl at onlookers. The ape began the collecting before dawn, even including chunks of concrete chipped off from his enclosure. Sometime the midday rush, entirely unprovoked, the chimp unleashed a rain of terror on zoo visitors, killing 3 and injuring uncounted others. Fortunately, Sweden is tolerant of chimps and monkeys, so he’s being celebrated for his planning skills.

Source: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,507226,00.html