BEARSCARE

The Coconut Crab is the largest terrestrial arthropod in existence. On average, it weighs 4-5 kg and its legspan is around 70 cm, with the body itself 30-40 cm in diameter. Coconut crabs feed primarily on fruits and nuts, including the tropical coconut for which they are named, but will also eat lizards, birds, fish and the occasional small monkey.

It has been widely reported that these crabs, when hunting in a pack, can immobilize and consume a human. Although many arthropologists dispute this claim, tour guides generally discourage interaction with Coconut Crabs. “They will bite your foot off,” states Juan Calypso, a tour guide and naturalist operating in the Maldives island chain. “This one time, my friend, Jose, he wanted to catch one. The crab saw him coming and called his friends. The crabs charged Jose and nearly bit off all his fingers. If I hadn’t been there, they would have killed him. He spent two years in a hospital, but he’s OK now, thank God.”

A contrasting view, however, is held by Dr. Gilbert Humphrey, an adjunct professor of Arthropodal Studies at Yale University. “I have several pet Cokies,” remarked Humphrey, while puffing on a corncob pipe. “I let them crawl on my face or wherever. One time Rosco tried to crack my head like a coconut, but he didn’t get real far. I love the little guys.”

There is evidence sufficient for concern that coconut crabs are venomous. Trace amounts of neurotoxins have been detected in their nests. It is believed that the poison may be delivered through small tubes in the crabs’ retractable fangs and claws. Some males also feature a scorpion-like stinger thought to deliver venom.

Coconut Crabs rarely approach humans, but they do show a marked interest in human settlements. Crabs have often invaded trashcans, dumpsters and even restaurants, in search of both coconut and non-coconut food sources. The International Zoological Society (ZSI) has recommended 4-foot concrete barriers around any commercial food sources to prevent contamination from coconut crabs.

The Coconut Crab recently enjoyed a huge rise in notoriety after an individual successfully climbed Raul Castro’s personal yacht and attempted to sneak off with a coconut. Mr. Castro’s publicist provided little detail as to what ensued other than that the crab was unsuccessful and is “no longer a threat to la seguridad nacional Cubana“.

Recently, a purported video of American Vice President Joe Biden surfaced on the internet featuring Mr. Biden extolling the virtues of the Coconut Crab, but it was later determined to be a hoax. The Vice President has been seen, however, becoming visibly uneasy when asked about the animal.

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, a giant panda was removed by the People’s Republic of China from the National Zoo in Washington, DC. The panda, named Tai Shan, by popular vote, was the first of the species to be born on America soil and is considered by many to have citizen status. The PRC laid claim on Tai Shan, however, arguing primarily that, since Tai Shan’s parents where in Washington on loan, he inherited Chinese ownership.

“Look, we really didn’t want to rock the boat,” commented Raul Jimenez, an unofficial White House spokesman. He continued, “you bet they were up late evaluating options. Apparently some very high ranking officials used strong, sometimes vulgar, language in expressing their disapproval over the deal.” Although Mr. Jimenez would not comment as to whether President Obama or his family were involved in the discussions, he did quote the president as stating “all options are still on the table, people, including complete, resolute and absolute refusal to turn over Tai Shan,” at around 8 PM Wednesday night.

Tai Shan will be missed. An unworthy tribute follows:

Goodbye, Tai Shan; we will miss you. Spread the American Dream in your new home.

The journal, Nature, is reporting that geneticists have discovered that crab claws and eagle talons are genetically identical. According to Dr. Derek Wright’s article,

We were searching for ways in which both species related to their common ancester, the trilobite. We mostly focused on the major organs, but got nowhere. By chance, one of our interns noticed a similarity between x-ray images of the upper bone in the claws of both crabs and eagles. It turns out that, genetically speaking, the crab claw and eagle talon are identical

Actually, it wasn’t just a similarity. The two animals’ claws are indistinguishable to the naked eye, as shown in the image featured in the article, used with permission, below.

Left: crab claw upper bone structure, Right: eagle talon upper bone structure

Dr. Wright continued,

Today is a new day for science. A bird and crustacean sharing an entire body part? This has never been observed in written history. Now that we know that entire bone structures can survive one billion years of evolution, we can examine even human features, particularly those in the wrists and ankles. The holy grail of science has always been to connect humans to a common ancestor, often theorized to be the trilobite, but we’ve never even come close to realizing this dream. My guess is that in 1,000 years, no one will even care who invented the airplane because this will be, by far, the greatest contribution to science since the discovery of the wheel. I’m serious.

Early reactions to the controversial article have mostly been very positive. “I can not believe we overlooked this,” remarked Gerd Levensen. “We spent years looking for similarities in the brain. The claw? It’s so simple.”

Congratulations to Dr. Wright and his team. We hope to get an interview soon.

One of the most interesting and rarest behaviors of the Great White Shark has been filmed for the first time (ever). An exceptionally large speciman washed ashore in New York, NY, and was observed by local beach goers.

“He bit right through it,” commented Silvie LeFramboise, “At first I was going to touch it, but then I found a stick. It was a good thing I did.” It’s a little known fact that over 60% of Great White Shark attacks actually take place on dry land; unsuspecting beach goers approach the giant killers thinking they’ve washed ashore dead, only to learn that the shark is very much alive and, as always, hunting. Ms. LeFramboise was lucky to escape with her life. “They said if I had been a step closer, I wouldn’t have made it. I feel more alive now than I ever have. I’m going to quit my job.”

Rod Fink Jr., however, was not so lucky. The up and coming paper entrepreneur had been vacationing in Sydney, Australia and had decided to try his hand at surfing one day. After not catching the first wave he went after, he paddled out for another try. “That was the last I saw of him. Paddling,” remarked Fink Sr., who saw the footage on youtube, “But this youtube thing is incredible. How long has it been around? Oh, but with Rod Jr., it was a really unfitting end. Really just a shame.” The paddling was actually just the last known footage of Fink. It turns out that after several unsuccessful tries, he began sulking on the beach. Eventually, he came upon a Great White Shark sunning itself. Still itching to assert his dominance over the sea, Fink crouched down in front of the giant fish and began to speak. No sooner had he opened his mouth had the shark done the same. And that was that.

URGENT.

During the past few weeks, I have been conducting a research study in the lakes and ponds of Virginia and have collected surprising results. The Virginia Jellyfish population has tripled over the last two years and the creatures are displaying increased levels of intelligence.

The Virginia Jellyfish is very similar to other jellyfish in appearance only. They are unique among jellyfish in that they have intelligence rivaling that of a medium rodent. Earlier this year, a fisherman observed two Virginia Jellyfish climb up the side of his boat and enter it, presumably looking for food. Since this first occurrence, reports of Virginia Jellyfish climbing into boats have flooded in and, reportedly, Virginia Governor Tim Kaine has formed a task force to evaluate the threat. “They’re just fish, you know, but the climbing has us very alarmed,” remarked Rhett Sinclair, an unofficial Kaine spokesperson. President Barack Obama has not released an official statement on the matter, but sources  say that he has been notified and is deeply troubled.

There have been no documented deaths from Virginia Jellyfish attacks, but several fisherman have been hospitalized with injuries consistent with jellyfish stings. The problem is that Virginia Jellyfish are pack hunters and will continue experiment with new, advanced techniques. It is only a matter of time before Virginia Jellyfish discover refrigerators and pantries; they can survive out of water for near 3 hours in some cases.

Basically, Virginia’s shot. If you live there, please look into nearby states or the District of Columbia. If you plan to cross state lines, please check yourself, car and clothing for possible Virginia Jellyfish eggs; they are always experimenting with new ways to increase their numbers and spread their influence. Check back regularly for updates, but all Virginians should expect to be quarantined at the very least.

You may have heard a lot about The Octomom in the news lately but you may not know what she’s all about, and so I’m here with the scoop.

It all started back in 2007 when an animal was discovered off the coast of South America called an Octosquid (pictured below).

The octosquid is bassically half octopus (Octopus cyanea, a cephalopod) and half Southern Giant Squid (Architeuthis sanctipauli, also a cephalopod). See below.

Scientists have been baffled for 2 years now trying to figure out how such a monster could come to be. They theorized that there must be some shared ancestor in the evolution of octopi and squids from dinosaurs and they named this ancestor The Octomom. Aparently, an Octomom has been recently located, except very few details have come out about her condition. The one thing we know is that she spawned 8 offspring very recently. Perhaps the fact that she was giving birth explains why she ventured out of the safety of deep, southern Pacific waters. Check back here for updates.

This is a BEARSCARE ALERT

OK, listen up everybody. Especially everybody living in Australia (see below).

There have been a SERIES of shark attacks. It all started when this one guy was snorkeling (sharks LOVE snorkelers, so go figure). He disappeared and the only remnant they found was part of his wetsuit. In my opinion, the most likely culprit in this attack is the hammerhead.

But this is where it gets scary: two more attacks happened in Tasmania. Both victims were surfers and both were victimized by Great White Sharks. This means that, for the first time in history, two species of sharks are teaming up against humans. This is absolutely terrifying. If sharks can sustain inter-species communication, they are much smarter than all experts (myself excluded) previously believed.

Right now all coastal nations need to gather to discuss the implications of this underwater conspiracy and decide how to combat it. Together we are strong but alone we are shark food.

“Make calamari out of him!”, my wife SCREAMED when she saw this video. I think he’s kind of sweet and probably poisonous. This little fellow was discovered by a remote controlled submarine owned by the Shell oil company and has been baffling cryptozoologists since.
[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aJV5mH3YY70]
Gross.

CNN just released this video of a blue lobster with a pink belly. Apparently this happens to one in two million lobsters. So, if you’re into that stuff, take a look. If not, whatever. I don’t care.