BEARSCARE

Scientists examining Google Earth imagery have found proof that the Loch Ness “Monster” is, in fact, real. “It’s a Plesiosaur, for sure. We thought that and it’s nice that we were actually right,” according to Billy “Nibbles” Wilson, a paleontologist and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University. “And there isn’t just one; no, these guys have been breeding for millions of years. The big question is how do we catch one to study.”

Loch Ness Monster surfacing for air

Plesiosaurs are very large, sea faring dinosauric reptiles. They are carnivores and are thought to have preyed on early land mammals. They were thought to have gone extinct along with most other dinosaurs 64,000,000 years ago. The Loch Ness has always been known to have unusually generous biological features, and strange animals have been widely reported since its discovery in 877 AD. The first “monster” sighting was reported in 901 AD by the historian Josephus, who, apparently, saw a “humped beast emerge from the sea and then disappear.” Intrigue has built ever since until now.

“Now my life is complete,” Wilson went on, “and I don’t need to deal with people calling me ‘stupid’ or ‘loser’ anymore. Guess who the losers are now! Dinosaurs are real.”

Generally cryptozoologists agree that Nessie will have cognitive abilities on par with the common salamander, but nobody knows for sure. Keep checking back for updates.

The journal, Nature, is reporting that geneticists have discovered that crab claws and eagle talons are genetically identical. According to Dr. Derek Wright’s article,

We were searching for ways in which both species related to their common ancester, the trilobite. We mostly focused on the major organs, but got nowhere. By chance, one of our interns noticed a similarity between x-ray images of the upper bone in the claws of both crabs and eagles. It turns out that, genetically speaking, the crab claw and eagle talon are identical

Actually, it wasn’t just a similarity. The two animals’ claws are indistinguishable to the naked eye, as shown in the image featured in the article, used with permission, below.

Left: crab claw upper bone structure, Right: eagle talon upper bone structure

Dr. Wright continued,

Today is a new day for science. A bird and crustacean sharing an entire body part? This has never been observed in written history. Now that we know that entire bone structures can survive one billion years of evolution, we can examine even human features, particularly those in the wrists and ankles. The holy grail of science has always been to connect humans to a common ancestor, often theorized to be the trilobite, but we’ve never even come close to realizing this dream. My guess is that in 1,000 years, no one will even care who invented the airplane because this will be, by far, the greatest contribution to science since the discovery of the wheel. I’m serious.

Early reactions to the controversial article have mostly been very positive. “I can not believe we overlooked this,” remarked Gerd Levensen. “We spent years looking for similarities in the brain. The claw? It’s so simple.”

Congratulations to Dr. Wright and his team. We hope to get an interview soon.

And eaten. That’s right, some locals in the Philipines came across a buttonquail on the island of Luzan and thought enough of it to photograph it (see below, courtesy of National Geographic) before selling it to a market as food. Humans 1, buttonquails 0.

Source

The boar-croc is an ancient animal which shares characteristics of both crocodiles (large alligators) and wild pigs, such as boars. The animal was discovered in early January but only announced Sunday. The discovery was kept secret to allow a multinational team of zoologists to conduct a thorough survey of current crocodile and pig species to make sure this animal is not a threat. Fortunately, it was found that the boar-croc was most likely killed off in North America by Spanish colonialists in the 17th Century. “The current threat status to humans and other crocodiles is negligible,” remarked the beast’s discoverer, Paul Sereno. “We are much more concerned with other, exotic crocodilian variants”

The boar-croc along with a multinational team of researchers

Source: http://www.examiner.com/r-6589195~The__Boar_Croc__dined_on_dinosaurs.html

You may have heard a lot about The Octomom in the news lately but you may not know what she’s all about, and so I’m here with the scoop.

It all started back in 2007 when an animal was discovered off the coast of South America called an Octosquid (pictured below).

The octosquid is bassically half octopus (Octopus cyanea, a cephalopod) and half Southern Giant Squid (Architeuthis sanctipauli, also a cephalopod). See below.

Scientists have been baffled for 2 years now trying to figure out how such a monster could come to be. They theorized that there must be some shared ancestor in the evolution of octopi and squids from dinosaurs and they named this ancestor The Octomom. Aparently, an Octomom has been recently located, except very few details have come out about her condition. The one thing we know is that she spawned 8 offspring very recently. Perhaps the fact that she was giving birth explains why she ventured out of the safety of deep, southern Pacific waters. Check back here for updates.

Yes.

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about bees disappearing by the millions. I’ve been wracking brain for some hours now figuring out why and have gotten nowhere. Nobody knows what happened to those bees and I don’t either. Upon this realization, I sat down in my thinking chair with a cup of honey and set out to find a work-around for the problem. And I did–it took me about 10 seconds. Now that’s smart thinking.

Here’s my idea: adopt a bee. Well, not just one bee–two bees. Exactly two bees, one male and one female. See, I realized that the biggest problem in the bee community is that the dominant queen represses all of the other girl bees keeping all the men to herself. But what if she isn’t fertile? Or what if she dies or disappears? Those girl bees need to know that they’re just as a good as the queen and they can be moms too. There are tons of female bees just sitting around in hives with nothing to do. They aren’t allowed to reproduce with the male bees because the queen said so. We need to free the bees.

I consider myself to be a very reasonable man. I don’t expect everybody to adopt two bees. If there’s about 6.6 billion people people in the world [1] and only 1 out of 100 adopted a pair, we would immediately have about 66 million new couples ready to restore the bee population to its former glory. Now, suppose each female bee were to lay 2000 eggs in the first year (this seems like a lot, but it’s only about one day of egg laying [2]) and only half survived to adult beehood. Then, by the end of the first year, we would have turned 66 million bees into 66 billion. That’s 10 times the human population in just one year. Assuming a male to female ratio of unity, the next year’s bee population would increase to 66 trillion. That number is larger than the gross world product measured in USD [3].

So, there you have it. The bees will be fine but it will take commitment on our part. I suggest that community leaders designate about 0.1% of their subjects as foster bee-parents. The entire community, of course, would be expected to chip in but the primary parents should have the time and means for this monumental task. I plan to assemble a crack team of zoologists, statisticians, botanists (boring) and historians to draw up formal plans and submit them to leading non-profits for review. In particular, we are hoping to win the support of Häagen-Dazs and their Help the Honeybees foundation (http://www.helpthehoneybees.org). All proceeds from Moonscreen sales (http://www.moonscreen.info) will be put toward this noble cause. I suggest readers buy a tube of Moonscreen to protect their skin from harmful moon-rays and our bees from almost-certain extinction.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_population

[2] http://www.main.org/cahbs/cycle.htm

[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gross_world_product

So, the news recently reported that scientists have discovered the existence of a (now extinct) enormous frog. Dubbed “Frog from Hell” by various news agencies, the 12″ long, 7 lb. amphibian is thought to have eaten small mammals with its sharp teeth [1]. The fossil was found in Madagascar. Although this fellow sounds pretty mean, I think the world would benefit from giant frogs. I really wish they were still around. There are some pretty big toads, though [2].

[1] http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/asection/la-na-frog20feb20,1,4030164.story

[2] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cane_Toad