BEARSCARE

Snow is a phenomenon regularly experienced in the upper (and sometimes lower) latitudes. For centuries scientists have argued over exactly what snow is, but over the last few decades a vague consensus has emerged: snow is frozen air, sometimes containing trace amounts of moisture. Nils Leeuwenhoek, a Danish meteorologist was kind enough to sit down for an interview.

Bearscare (BS): Mr. Leeuwenhoek, thank you for agreeing to this controversial interview.

Nils Leeuwenhoek (NL): Of course. Anytime.

BS: I understand you’ve been studying snow for, what, 30 years or so? What have you learned?

NL: With out a doubt, I can tell you it contains frozen water.

BS: And air? Oxygen?

NL: Yes, those too. Let me elaborate. In cold conditions, moisture from the clouds combines with the air to make snow. That is why it looks different than either rain or ice. It is a hybrid substance.

BS: Interesting.

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There are many conflicting opinions on snow. Unfortunately, we’ve seen a lot of it in recent weeks. Roofs have collapsed, roads have been compromised and regular, hardworking Americans have suffered. Hopefully the scientific debate will narrow in on a comprehensive explanation. Until then, bundle up.

Listen up, everybody, this is important. Polar bears made the list of “threatened” species today. This is a great step forward in recognizing polar bears by our country, but let’s not forget who does the threatening. Polar bears are some of my favorite bears and nobody can hurt them. Probably a better list than “threatened” would be “so sweet they can even rip your head off”. Animals which I would put on that list (polar bears, great white sharks, koala bears, alligators, condors) should be protected and offered extra food to show respect. Threatened my ass.

Recently, there has been a dearth of relevant animal news. This all changed when we were contacted by a leading arctozoologist who is very concerned about the survival of polar bears in the rapidly changing environment. The scientist asked that we only refer to him as “Dr. P” because he fears for his own and his team’s safety amidst uprisings spawned from the “vast, irreversible effect my ideas will have on the American populace”. So, Dr. P it is.

“Fewer bears are having fewer cubs. Many female bears choose not to take a mate but once every three to four years,” Dr. P wrote. He claims that the data he has collected over the last two years indicates that the polar bear population in the Arctic is dwindling exponentially and he expects there to be only a handful of mating pairs by the end of 2009. “Immediate action must be taken”.

In the correspondence we received, which will not be published because Dr. P’s full identity would be determined even by the most simple, he detailed a radical plan to re-home a core population of 10,000-12,000 bears in Ohio immediately with more individuals arriving by the thousand every two months. He says the idea hit him like a “400 pound seal” while reading reports of record snowfall in the USA.

“Sure, there isn’t a natural food source for large predators in Ohio. I know that. And I know that some house-hold pets and stranded motorists may go missing. But the naysayers are looking at this all in the wrong way. If there’s anything history has taught us, it’s that sacrifice is necessary and healthy. Plus, we would replace all pets. Often with better ones,” Dr. P wrote.

Although his plans are still coming together, this influential (among arctozoologic circles) scientist felt the idea should be broached to the public so that the “strongest academic minds might engage in civilized debate followed by a planning and implementation process”. Calculations we were shown indicate that polar bears could be restored to prehistoric levels within the decade. “It is my belief that whether we like it or not, we are at the cusp of a new age. The Bear Age.”

Just now I took a quick glance at all the major candidates’ websites and McCain’s was the only one that made any mention of anything even remotely close to bears or other wildlife (the Parks Service). This is deeply disturbing to me. I have tentatively decided to endorse John McCain for president but feel that his commitment to bear conservation is lacking. I hope that he will address my concerns over the next few months.

Obama and Clinton only care about global warming. Global warming is important as it affects polar bears, but it needs to be addressed in that context. I am very concerned that the bears will be overlooked in any democratic plan to reverse climate change. All they care about is rising water levels in Florida. Well boo-hoo. Who cares? Huckabee didn’t even mention environment/animal issues as far as I could tell. We need to save the seals and we need to save the polar bears. We need a president who is not afraid.

I will be submitting videos to youtube with questions for the debates. And if those questions aren’t answered, the people who pick questions will feel my scourge. Especially that clown Anderson Cooper.