BEARSCARE

Did you know pandas bite? Well, it turns out they do. A student from the south of China broke into a panda cage to try to coax the animal into hugging him, according to the AP. The kid didn’t get a hug, though. Nope, he got LIT UP by the panda. Let this be a lesson to everyone who wants panda hugs: you need to know what you’re doing and know your panda first. Here’s what the scene probably looked like:

And here’s a link to the story: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,456447,00.html

So, readers have been asking me about Knut, the polar bear quite a bit. Well, I’m sick of it. So, here’s an update on FLOCKE: she’s fine. Don’t worry. As far as I can tell from the following picture, Flocke is growing up to be a respectible polar bear just like her first cousin, Knut. Although I don’t advocate bears eating seals, she’s going to start getting pretty bored soon. I believe there are some excellent soy-based imitation seal products out there, so let me be the first to recommend to Germans (Deutschlanders) they buy this stuff. It’s environmentally responsible since the soy is grown with replaceable fuel sources.

I’ve just been made aware of an email which has been circulating about a bear attack in Manitoba. It claims to contain a graphic picture of a nonfatal bear attack. Here is the text of the email:

Bear Attack in
Churchill
,
Manitoba
,
Canada
.

These are pictures of an actual polar bear attack in Churchill.

These pictures were taken while people watched and could do nothing to stop
the attack.

Reports from the local newspaper say that the victim will make a full
recovery.

The photo’s are below.

Warning, graphic photos!!!

In case anybody who receives this email is concerned that it’s a virus, don’t worry–it isn’t. I’m including the picture from the email and, I must say, I’m a little underwhelmed by the carnage. Here’s the picture.

I was recently made aware of an amazing creature. It’s the WEREBEAR. According to this website,

The werebear is a creature closely related to the werewolf. A werebear is like a werewolf, but bigger, stronger, and more formidable because it turns into a bear instead of a wolf. In many legends from northern Europe, the two creatures appear side-by-side in the same legends.

I can’t believe I hadn’t pondered the existence of werebears before. I guess I just don’t think much about werewolves since usually my animal thoughts turn to bear thoughts and so thoughts of werewolves would naturally lead me to the conclusion that, if bears are better than wolves (obviously true) and some wolves are werewolves (true), then some bears must be werebears. That is a valid, strong argument using deductive which infallibly proves the existence of werebears.

Most wearbears are grizzly-human hybrids, but occasionally there are black bear-human hybrids. Obviously honeybear werebears do not exist because the honeybear would eat itself during the first human-bear transition and thus would never become a full bear in the zoological sense. Thanks and good night.

PS: I’ll be posting more about werebears throughout my life.

1. Koala bears aren’t really bears — TRUE. Koalas are kangaroos pretending to be bears.
2. Panda bears aren’t really bears — LIE. Well, Giant Pandas are one of the eight species of bear.
3. Black bears only attack when one is between a mother and cubs — This isn’t necessarily true. I’m not saying you should get between a mom and her cubs, but if you want to, it’s up to you; you might survive.
4. Grizzly bears only attack when one is between a mother and her cubs –
5. Sun bears aren’t real — would you believe my wife doesn’t believe in Sun Bears? I’m even going to pump money into a bear charity and she still doesn’t believe!
6. Red pandas are real bears — false. RATS.
7. Honeybears like honey — FALSE. Honeybears ONLY eat meat. They need 100-200 lbs. per day, depending on sex. The name, “honey”, comes from the color of their fur. Few men have ever seen a honeybear.
8. Cheetahs are the fastest animal — see 7.
9. Polar bears are endangered — Socialist drivel. Polar bears can beat anything/one.
10. Grizzly bears are mean — they’re 90% lonely, 10% bored.

Today we went to the zoo in DC. Here is an incomplete list of animals we saw and my personal feelings on them:

1. Pandas – AWESOME
2. Lions – sweet
3. Tigers – similar to lions
4. Anaconda – scary/sweet
5. King Cobra – deadly (stay away from these)
6. Prairie dog – opposite of (5)
7. Elephants – Very large and friendly. These were the Asiatic variety.
8. Cow – I felt bad about my lunch
9. Orang utan – Me 10,000,000 – 100,000,000 years ago
10. HIPPO – wet

So, my wife was just reading The Drudge Report (whatever that is) and I noticed a large bear picture on the front page. Naturally I almost lost it. She told me he put the picture up because of the “bear” market. Who ever chose these mascots anyway? Bulls and bears? Bulls are weak. Look, a bear market is fine. We’re cutting the fat and purging the market of excess. That’s what bears do and just like nature, they keep the stock market healthy.

Bulls are stupid. And totally 20 years ago. Nobody really cares anymore. Do you ever look at your hamburger and think about rallying bulls? No, of course you don’t. Do you look at your hamburger and think about sweet bears? You might if you fall into 1 of 2 categories:

1. Me or my sympathizers
2. Ursaphages — criminals who deserve to be punished to the full extent of the law

Just relax.

Click on that bear if you want to check out the Drudge Report. I don’t really read it but my wife does, so it’s fine by me.

This is amazing. Two new pandas have been born in China. They look like this (courtesy of National Geographic):

Here’s the video: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/tech/2008/08/15/vo.china.panda.ap

More bear news. I don’t have much to say about this, but I’m just putting here to be complete. Here’s what happened:

• Mom hears dog barking
• Dad finds out dog had chased bear up a tree
• Little kid claims the dog had jumped on the bear and “chewed it”

It’s HIGHLY unlikely the bear would put up with a dog chewing on it. What’s much more likely is the peace-loving bear just wanted to avoid conflict and knew he couldn’t reason with the dog on the ground.

Here’s the link: http://www.cnn.com/video/#/video/us/2008/08/07/pkg.bear.treed.wtlv

This has been a great summer for the bears. Two black bear attacks (one fatality), me seeing black bears, a baby bear with burned feet . . . and now this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAPuwp2tsIU]

Here’s how my mornings start. I wake up, fall back asleep, wake up again and look out the window for bears. But guess what? I never see them–lame. I would kill to live somewhere where this could happen (like Alaska).