BEARSCARE

You may have thought that terrorism is limited to human beings, but this is proof that some bears have been recruited to commit hate crimes. In this case, a Syrian bear killed a common brown bear in cold blood at a zoo in Germany. No one is sure of the motive, but the bear is in custody. Funeral plans have not been announced for the victim.

Personally, I believe both bears are victims. What sicko put this bear up to such a horrible crime? I mean, this has made the news worldwide, so, to whoever crafted this atrocity, congratulations, we’re all REALLY impressed. You forced one innocent bear to kill another. This is absolutely disgusting.

On Friday, an airplane landed on an airstrip about 20 miles outside Chicago which, apparently, was piloted by a wild Grizzly bear. “We really don’t know what happened,” explained Roger Williams, a local police officer. “When we arrived at the airstrip, we could clearly see the bear in the cockpit and he was exteremely agitated. He was clawing at the windshield, which was getting pretty foggy.”

US Airways flight 1451 last radioed O’Hare Airport at 4:40 PM when the pilot requested permission to initiate the Boeing 757′s final approach. And “then he clicked off and the aircraft veered to the south,” remarked Jose Ramirez, the air traffic controller managing flight 1451. Ramirez went on, “I repeatedly tried to radio the pilot, but there was no response. I contacted the FBI and they said that they would give the situation top priority. I guess it wasn’t such a big deal and it’s a miracle they found that airstrip.” Later, when Mr. Ramirez was informed about the bear being the pilot, he sat down and refused to comment further.

When all the passengers had been evacuated, seasoned animal handlers opened the cockpit and subdued the bear; the pilot was nowhere to be found. A statement released by an official from the FAA, who asked to remain anonymous, read, “if, in fact, the pilot did disappear into thin air, then this bear is a hero. We have performed x-rays on the bear, and all we’ve found has been a dozen snack packs and a few apple juice containers. Look, we have no idea how this happened. We don’t know how the bear got onto the plane in the first place, we don’t know where the pilot is or when he left the cockpit, and we have no idea how the bear manipulated the controls. I mean, he had to press switches that were much, much smaller than his paw. Imagine typing on a keyboard with a plunger and that keyboard was responsible for the lives of over 100 people. Amazing. I still haven’t wrapped my head around this one.”

According to White House officials, President Obama was “literally seconds away from scrambling jets to engage and destroy the rogue airplane.” The White House has not released an official statement, but a press conference has been planned for 7:30 PM EST.

Every once in a while,  a headline comes along that makes me almost headbutt my laptop and then get a little nauseous. This is not one of those times. This time, I actually DID headbutt my laptop and then I DID get nauseous:

PREGNANT WOMAN GETS HIT BY CAR AFTER BEING CHASED BY A BEAR.

OMG. OMG. OMG. OK, check it out. This lady was RUNNING through the woods, carrying a baby, when a GRIZZLY bear started stalking her. She managed to scramble up an embankment ONLY to get hit by a car. The police showed up, checked her out and ROCKED the bear with a gun. The bear didn’t make it, but the woman immortalized the noble beast by giving her kid the middle name, “Bear”. Unbelievable. This may very well be the best headline ever to grace the news in all history. AP, thank you. From the bottom of my brown fur heart, thank you.

RIP, bear. You will be remembered forever in the middle name of a soon-to-be born child.

1. Koala bears aren’t really bears — TRUE. Koalas are kangaroos pretending to be bears.
2. Panda bears aren’t really bears — LIE. Well, Giant Pandas are one of the eight species of bear.
3. Black bears only attack when one is between a mother and cubs — This isn’t necessarily true. I’m not saying you should get between a mom and her cubs, but if you want to, it’s up to you; you might survive.
4. Grizzly bears only attack when one is between a mother and her cubs –
5. Sun bears aren’t real — would you believe my wife doesn’t believe in Sun Bears? I’m even going to pump money into a bear charity and she still doesn’t believe!
6. Red pandas are real bears — false. RATS.
7. Honeybears like honey — FALSE. Honeybears ONLY eat meat. They need 100-200 lbs. per day, depending on sex. The name, “honey”, comes from the color of their fur. Few men have ever seen a honeybear.
8. Cheetahs are the fastest animal — see 7.
9. Polar bears are endangered — Socialist drivel. Polar bears can beat anything/one.
10. Grizzly bears are mean — they’re 90% lonely, 10% bored.

This has been a great summer for the bears. Two black bear attacks (one fatality), me seeing black bears, a baby bear with burned feet . . . and now this:

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NAPuwp2tsIU]

Here’s how my mornings start. I wake up, fall back asleep, wake up again and look out the window for bears. But guess what? I never see them–lame. I would kill to live somewhere where this could happen (like Alaska).

I guess this is pretty cool. Some guy wasn’t paying attention one day and a grizzly started raging him. He played dead and the bear left (bears aren’t into dead people). I would have tried to communicate with the bear, but I’m more of a man than this guy, so it’s not too surprising he didn’t.

Video on CNN

It’s a rare day when a grizzly bear attack is national news. Today is one of those rare days. A bear, called Rocky, who appeared in Will Ferrel’s timeless classic, Semi-Pro, bit his trainer on the neck. As you might guess, a grizzly bite to the neck is tough thing to walk off and Stephan Miller probably died on the spot. This happened in Big Bear Lake, CA.

The authorities have not decided what to do with Rocky. While my condolences go out to the Miller family, I feel strongly that the bear should be set free. Or at least not killed. Rocky really didn’t know any better and no grizzly bear should be punished for being a grizzly bear. If you devote your life to training some of the most dangerous animals in the world, you must accept the risk that those animals could kill you. Irwin died doing what he loved and I can only hope that Mr. Miller really loved bears–because, well, I hope he loved them. Below is a picture of Rocky. That is all.

It has recently been brought to my attention by various media outlets that a grizzly bear has been FILMED DANCING in Glacier National Park. Look at how much of the man this bear is being. I can’t dance at all — we’re not even having dancing at our wedding. Maybe now we’ll have bears at the wedding to spice things up.

[youtube=http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uTDelq0zTAc&hl=en]

I have come up with an idea for a new all-purpose military aircraft. What does this have to do with bears, you might ask? Everything. The airplane is based on the grizzly bear. It’s called BFA-1000000 Grizzly Bear (bomber-fighter-attack-one-MILLION) and it’s SO much better than other aircraft. Its airframe is similar to that of the F/A-18 Hornet, except my airplane is totally loaded down with more weapons than you could ever imagine.

If you were to look up as a BFA-1000000 was flying overhead, mostly you would just see gray cylinders (bombs) and missiles. What you wouldn’t be able to see (because they’re obstructed by all the bombs and missiles) are the battering rams, located on the nose and each wing, and the machine guns, located in the nose, the wings, that tail-fin-thing, the wheels, and the rudders. And, just in case, the pilot would be armed with a revolver for times when he really needs to rock. Basically, the my airplane can own anyone at any time in any place. The BFA-1000000 turns M.A.D. into just plain old A.D.

A recent study, published in Science Daily reveals that the now extinct cave bear (Ursus Spelaeus) was not such a wimp after all. Well, we always knew they were hard, but the scientific community has to be “skeptical” about new ideas and “sure” about facts. I’m not sure. I know. I can feel it in my furry little heart.

Anyway, these bad boys were as carnivorous as modern brown bears (grizzlies and Kodiaks), which is what anybody would expect. That’s about all they know for now, but I’ll keep everybody up-to-date.

Don’t believe me?

Ancient Cave Bears Were As Omnivorous As Modern Bears

Cave bears will MESS YOU UP