BEARSCARE

A disturbing story is coming out of a Washington, DC suburb in Virginia. Apparently, a house cat was so upset with her owners’ purchase and use of a new vacuum cleaner that she lept off a balcony and fell 15′ feet onto a faux-wood floor. The attempt was unsuccessful and the cat, named Snickers (pictured below), holed up under a sofa for over two hours after the fall. Reports are coming in now that she’s moved to an old chair. Keep checking back.

Recently it has been brought to my attention that there’s a cat who can’t “meow” or hiss properly. This is disturbing for several reasons:

1. Cats meow constantly and it can be very annoying; a cat who doesn’t meow is probably plotting a far worse fate for its owner.
2. Cats hiss as a natural expression of disgust. A cat who does not hiss when it feels revulsion clearly has deceitful intentions.
3. Cats are generally unable to repress emotions consciously and so this specimen may present a unique opportunity to felinologists for the advancement of cat theory and felinology in general.

The cat, pictured below, is only able to make strange gurgling sounds, sometimes followed by high-pitched squeals, in situations during which other cats would certainly meow. Recently, confronting an estranged sibling, the individual, rather than exhibiting ordinary hissing behavior, reacted with sternutation followed by rapid inhalation.

Derek Jensen, a spokesman for the Coalition for the Advancement of Feline Research and Societal Integration (CAFRSI) , issued the following statement: “Occasionally, yes, we do encounter specimens deficient in meow and meow-related abilities. We have been studying this phenomenon since our institution’s inception in 2006. As of today, we have been unable to locate the missing gene, but we are confident that modern science and medicine will pave the way to future understanding of this disorder, and God willing, a cure for all those affected.”

I would like to personally offer my sympathy to all affected cats and wish the best of luck to those seeking a cure.

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, a giant panda was removed by the People’s Republic of China from the National Zoo in Washington, DC. The panda, named Tai Shan, by popular vote, was the first of the species to be born on America soil and is considered by many to have citizen status. The PRC laid claim on Tai Shan, however, arguing primarily that, since Tai Shan’s parents where in Washington on loan, he inherited Chinese ownership.

“Look, we really didn’t want to rock the boat,” commented Raul Jimenez, an unofficial White House spokesman. He continued, “you bet they were up late evaluating options. Apparently some very high ranking officials used strong, sometimes vulgar, language in expressing their disapproval over the deal.” Although Mr. Jimenez would not comment as to whether President Obama or his family were involved in the discussions, he did quote the president as stating “all options are still on the table, people, including complete, resolute and absolute refusal to turn over Tai Shan,” at around 8 PM Wednesday night.

Tai Shan will be missed. An unworthy tribute follows:

Goodbye, Tai Shan; we will miss you. Spread the American Dream in your new home.

A California city, Monrovia (sounds a little Eastern Bloc, to me) , is reporting an unusually high number of bears in its neighborhoods. “City leaders have asked their staff to look into ways to limit bear activity in neighborhoods, including possibly mandating bear-proof trash cans and limiting how long residents can leave their trash cans out,” reports the LA Times.

“It just ain’t right,” remarks local outdoorsman and wildlife enthusiast Jeb Gimble, “it’s always been this way here. [Monrovians] have always lived peacefully along side our bears. It’s these modern kids movin’ in who are causing the trouble. Bears are normal here. I mean, look at the California flag! I call BS.”

Local officials have not released any official statement as to any new citywide bear policy, but locals fear for the worse, explains Rhonda McPhee, “I just don’t know. I feed them, I care for them. I even take the cubs in during the winter. If they go, I go.” It’s always sad when bears get turned away and I really hope the Monrovian government halts its erosion of historically precedented bear rights.

I think that, in general, this website is fairly “clean”. This is no accident; the world out there is full of depravity and I prefer for my readers to not have to worry about finding it here. Unfortunately, however, I story came to my attention about which it would be irresponsible for me not to write. I apologize if I shock anyone, and parents or anyone who is easily offended are hereby advised to leave this website and look at something else animal-related.

Last week, Deedee Foster of Ola, Arkansas, was making her evening rounds at her farm. As she approached the last barn, she, “immediately felt uneasy,” Mrs. Foster explained. “It’s a good thing I carry the gun when I do my rounds. Bud’s been laid up with a bum leg for 17 years now and I learned long ago to carry protection. I’ve scared away teenagers, pumas, bears and hobos, but I’ve never seen anything like this.” What Mrs. Foster saw was a man, later identified as Duke Sherwood, a local fire hydrant technician, engaging in an obscene act with one of Foster’s horses. “Oh, he stopped right away. I called the police and veterinarian. I knew if Beebe got elected things like this would start happening!” Gov. Mark Beebe (D) could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman assured members of the press that he was disgusted with the story and does not condone “that sort of thing”.

Deedee Foster standing guard over her horse, Pups

According to the International Horse Action and Protection Alliance (IHAPA), inappropriate horse related events have been on the rise in recent months. “You know, when the economy tanks, people have less money to do the things they want to do. They go looking for cheap thrills,” explained Robin Berkhalter, IHAPA public relations director. IHAPA was formed in during the 1930s due to a rash of similar offenses.

Source: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,535400,00.html

After his tragic death, Michael Jackson is getting more attention than ever. Who did it? How did he die? No one is asking, however, what ever became of his animal companions.

Meet Bubbles the Chimp.

Bubbles held by Michael Jackson

Bubbles was a 3 year old research chimp adopted by Jackson in the mid-1980s. He was selected because of his eerily Jackson-esque “dancing” skills. “As it turns out,” clarified Terrence Bartholomew, a short-time member of Jackson’s staff, “Bubbles had developed a muscle condition where involuntary spasms caused dance-like motions. We all thought it was weird, but [Jackson] was fascinated by him. He had to have him.” Bartholomew went on to point out that Bubbles could “dance” for around 4 minutes at a time, about the length of one of Jackson’s singles.

Jackson tended to dress Bubbles in attire similar to his own, which both he and Bubbles seemed to find very amusing. Despite having hit it off in the beginning, however, the relationship was not meant to last. Bubbles grew more and more aggressive and his dancing suffered accordingly. “Dancing is about feeling free, not angry,” remarked Trent “Cory” Coraline, an independent choreographer. “And you just can’t dance when you have that attitude.” When asked about anger in dancing chimps, Coraline refused to continue the interview. Bubbles was re-homed in an undisclosed chimp sanctuary in 1988 and has been heard from very rarely since.

In addition to chimps, I would like to take this moment to extend my deepest condolences to the family and friends of Billy Mays. Known for his abrasive, loud and tacky infomercials, this top-notch salesman will be missed by all. Billy, if you’re out there, I want you to know that I have mended many a broken-out-of python enclosure with Mighty Putty. Thank you.

RIP Billy Mays

Abstract: Snakes are reptiles/amphibians without legs or flippers. They eat plants and animals depending on mood and availability. Snakes can be found on every landmass, but are fairly scarce on some. Their lifespans vary from a few months to over 90 years.

I) Introduction

After the positive reaction I received about my article on the Python, I thought I would present a more general treatment of the Python’s cousins: snakes. The first snake in history was mentioned in the Book of Genesis in the Bible and snakes have captured imaginations young and old ever since. Some people keep pet snakes while others hate them. By the end of this article, you will know about snakes and be able to make an informed decision.

An Adult King Cobra

II) Evolution and Biology

Have you ever seen a snake? They look like lizards except without legs. Actually, that’s pretty much all they are. How snakes evolved to not have legs is still an open question, but it is thought that modern snakes and lizards evolved from a common dinosaur ancestor. The exact species of this ancestor is also up for debate, but some serpentologists believe it most likely to have been the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

In the early 16th Century, a series of experiments were conducted by the famous physician Andreas Vesalius, during which the legs of various lizards were removed in the hope that they would learn to slither, like snakes. Unfortunately, the lizards expired before learning to slither and Vesalius retired in disgrace having not contributed any new knowledge to the medical and scientific communities. Further, these experiments were very cruel and readers should never consider repeating them. A lizard cannot be taught to slither.

The biological makeup of the modern snake varies on slightly between species. Most are about 6-8′ long[1], venomous and highly intelligent. Snakes smell with their tongues and can see infrared light and gamma rays. A king cobra, one of the most venomous snakes, can smell a mammal over 10 miles away and slither to it at over 25 m/s.

Snake’s consist of a long, muscular body, known among serpentologists as the tube. Prey can remain in the tube for over 2 weeks being digested, which is disgusting but also amazing. As mentioned earlier, snakes do not have legs, so they contract and expand their tube muscles to move around on the ground. Most snakes climb trees, too.

Snakes are extremely poisonous, with the most poisonous being the Moroccan Pit Viper (see below). This snake can kill a human in under 20 minutes. King Cobras and rattle snakes are really poisonous too and it’s best to stay as far away from them as possible unless you’re a certified snake handler/charmer.

Moroccan Pit Viper

III) Life Cycle

Snakes are usually hatched from eggs laid in a nest. Some sea-snakes are born live, but this phenomenon is outside the scope of this article. Snakes reach maturity in about 2 months but can be deadly just weeks after hatching. The average male snake will live to about 40 and females live to about 45. Some rattlesnakes, however, have lived past 70 years.

IV) Habitat

Snakes are found wherever territory and food (see feeding below) is available. In North America, the rattlesnake and copperheads rule. South America is home to pythons and anacondas. Africa and Australia have extremely poisonous pit vipers. Interestingly, the only snake native to Asia is the King Cobra.

Usually, people are very surprised to learn about the Albino Python (see below), Antarctica’s only native snake. The Albino Python is thought to have swam to Antarctica from the southern tip of Chile about 20,000 years ago where it quickly adapted to match its habitat.

V) Reproduction

Snake reproduction is pretty vanilla except for the case of the Albino Python. Since the outer rim of Antarctica is constantly melting/freezing, Albinos are forced to journey some 60 miles inland for a safe place to socialize and reproduce. Once the mating pairs have become pregnant, the male pythons slither to the sea to gorge on fish, for they have a long, cold winter ahead of them. After a month of eating, they slither back to the nesting site where the baby snakes have hatched. They identify their mates and offspring by vocalizations which are unique to each individual. How this uniqueness is guaranteed has mystified serpentologists since the Albinos were discovered.

Once the males have returned to watch the hatchlings, the females slither to the sea to feed. They are very emaciated from the long wait and eat for over two months before returning to the nest. Once the families are united and the juvenile snakes are big enough to slither long distances, they all return to the water and the parents teach the juvenile snakes how to hunt. I’m glossing over a lot here, but you can read up about these snakes on wikipedia if you want to know more.

VI) Feeding

Snakes are mostly carnivorous, using their venom to kill their prey. A rule of thumb is that a snake will focus on prey whose maximum dimension is about 50% of the snake’s tube. For example, a 12′ King Cobra wouldn’t think twice about taking down a 6′ human (remember what I said about keeping your distance?).

Some bigger snakes like to augment their diet with sweet fruits, like papayas, but this is rare. Usually, snakes eat vegetables when a) there aren’t enough living things to eat, or b) they are very young and need the extra sugars and starch. Regular–not albino–pythons are the exception; they eat 50% meat and 50% vegetables/starches.

VII) Human interaction

Some humans keep snakes as pets, but we strongly discourage this. Snakes are extremely dangerous, venomous animals and generally have the intelligence of a teenaged human. Some snakes have successfully learned over 1000 signs from the American Sign Language language. They make the signs by shifting their bodies into the correct shape. “It isn’t publicized, but 1 out of 10 snake owners will receive a fatal bite or eventual die from snake-related complications. The pro-snake lobby in Washington keeps this fact under wraps and we’re all hoping that the new administration will stand up to this manace,” remarked  Yuri von Metleife, vice chairman of American Center for Snake Appreciation and Respect (ACSAR). “Sure, I like sakes too. But only to look at. When I lost my uncle to an Albino Python bite, I knew that no one should own a snake. They are just far too dangerous for families and individuals.”

Encounters between humans and snakes in the wild are very common. A common myth is that, “don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.” Are you serious? Snakes are poisonous. They aren’t afraid of anything (except bigger snakes). Please, wherever you live, know which snakes are around and be aware of them. During mating seasons, stay indoors.

Snakes are known to be very sensitive to motion and speed. They are quite used to their own slithering and find car and train rides to be very upsetting. The high speeds and pressure changes of airplane rides are absolutely intollerable to snakes and they have been known to escape for their enclosures and be even more agressive than usual. Transporting snakes on airplanes has been outlawed in over 40 countries, including the United States.

Yuri von Metliefe, ACSAR

VIII) Conclusion

Snakes are majestic, powerful and deadly. They will not hesitate to defend themselves and need to eat a lot. They should be avoided at all costs.

Here’s what happened. The plane took off like a normal airplane. As they ascended, something went horribly wrong, both engines failed and the pilot made an heroic and miraculous landing in the Hudson River. Everybody onboard, including both the pilot and copilot, survived. This has never happened before.

I accept that this guy is a hero and that the landing was a miracle. But how often do you hear about the cause of the crash? You may have heard that the airplane struck a bird. Well, it struck a flock of birds–big birds. Some got sucked into the engines. Do you have any idea how painful that is for the unlucky birds? Those jet engines sting! Imagine sticking your pinky finger in there!

Well, my point here is that the pilot is a hero, and that’s great, but what about the innocent birds that were killed? Will we ever know how many gave up their lives so those passengers could live? Birds have feelings too. I’m sure the ones that died had plans to go back to Canada to have more baby birds. Even though no humans died, we still have some mourning to do. I just wish the news outlets would stop being so cocky and show some respect.

Just kidding. This site is about animals (bears) and that’s it. Here’s a koala.

I just read on the news that some nutty lady up in Pennsylvania was trying to sell kittens with piercings on eBay. This is pretty cruel and I would never consider piercing my kitten. The auction described one kitten, called “Snarley Monster”, was described as “a three-month-old, floppy-eared, loveable kitten with a docked tail”. Snarley Monster is pictured below.

There were also kittens with back piercings (whatever that’s supposed to be). The seller was hoping to get $400+ per kitten. Gross.

Here’s a link to the article that I lifted this information and the picture from: http://news.sky.com/skynews/Home/World-News/Gothic-Kittens-Animals-With-Pierced-Ears-And-Neck-Seized-By-Protection-Officers-In-Pennsylvania/Article/200812315187322?lpos=World_News_Second_World_News_Article_Teaser_Region_1&lid=ARTICLE_15187322_Gothic_Kittens%3A_Animals_With_Pierced_Ears_And_Neck_Seized_By_Protection_Officers_In_Pennsylvania