BEARSCARE

Every once in a while,  a headline comes along that makes me almost headbutt my laptop and then get a little nauseous. This is not one of those times. This time, I actually DID headbutt my laptop and then I DID get nauseous:

PREGNANT WOMAN GETS HIT BY CAR AFTER BEING CHASED BY A BEAR.

OMG. OMG. OMG. OK, check it out. This lady was RUNNING through the woods, carrying a baby, when a GRIZZLY bear started stalking her. She managed to scramble up an embankment ONLY to get hit by a car. The police showed up, checked her out and ROCKED the bear with a gun. The bear didn’t make it, but the woman immortalized the noble beast by giving her kid the middle name, “Bear”. Unbelievable. This may very well be the best headline ever to grace the news in all history. AP, thank you. From the bottom of my brown fur heart, thank you.

RIP, bear. You will be remembered forever in the middle name of a soon-to-be born child.

Some polar bear, probably not Knut, attacked a woman at the Berlin Zoo. She probably wanted a hug, so she climbed into the cage. Most people don’t understand that polar bears are highly territorial and need to be consulted before an encounter. Too bad for her, but not too bad.

http://www.cnn.com/2009/WORLD/europe/04/11/polar.bear.attack/index.html

Abstract: Snakes are reptiles/amphibians without legs or flippers. They eat plants and animals depending on mood and availability. Snakes can be found on every landmass, but are fairly scarce on some. Their lifespans vary from a few months to over 90 years.

I) Introduction

After the positive reaction I received about my article on the Python, I thought I would present a more general treatment of the Python’s cousins: snakes. The first snake in history was mentioned in the Book of Genesis in the Bible and snakes have captured imaginations young and old ever since. Some people keep pet snakes while others hate them. By the end of this article, you will know about snakes and be able to make an informed decision.

An Adult King Cobra

II) Evolution and Biology

Have you ever seen a snake? They look like lizards except without legs. Actually, that’s pretty much all they are. How snakes evolved to not have legs is still an open question, but it is thought that modern snakes and lizards evolved from a common dinosaur ancestor. The exact species of this ancestor is also up for debate, but some serpentologists believe it most likely to have been the Tyrannosaurus Rex.

In the early 16th Century, a series of experiments were conducted by the famous physician Andreas Vesalius, during which the legs of various lizards were removed in the hope that they would learn to slither, like snakes. Unfortunately, the lizards expired before learning to slither and Vesalius retired in disgrace having not contributed any new knowledge to the medical and scientific communities. Further, these experiments were very cruel and readers should never consider repeating them. A lizard cannot be taught to slither.

The biological makeup of the modern snake varies on slightly between species. Most are about 6-8′ long[1], venomous and highly intelligent. Snakes smell with their tongues and can see infrared light and gamma rays. A king cobra, one of the most venomous snakes, can smell a mammal over 10 miles away and slither to it at over 25 m/s.

Snake’s consist of a long, muscular body, known among serpentologists as the tube. Prey can remain in the tube for over 2 weeks being digested, which is disgusting but also amazing. As mentioned earlier, snakes do not have legs, so they contract and expand their tube muscles to move around on the ground. Most snakes climb trees, too.

Snakes are extremely poisonous, with the most poisonous being the Moroccan Pit Viper (see below). This snake can kill a human in under 20 minutes. King Cobras and rattle snakes are really poisonous too and it’s best to stay as far away from them as possible unless you’re a certified snake handler/charmer.

Moroccan Pit Viper

III) Life Cycle

Snakes are usually hatched from eggs laid in a nest. Some sea-snakes are born live, but this phenomenon is outside the scope of this article. Snakes reach maturity in about 2 months but can be deadly just weeks after hatching. The average male snake will live to about 40 and females live to about 45. Some rattlesnakes, however, have lived past 70 years.

IV) Habitat

Snakes are found wherever territory and food (see feeding below) is available. In North America, the rattlesnake and copperheads rule. South America is home to pythons and anacondas. Africa and Australia have extremely poisonous pit vipers. Interestingly, the only snake native to Asia is the King Cobra.

Usually, people are very surprised to learn about the Albino Python (see below), Antarctica’s only native snake. The Albino Python is thought to have swam to Antarctica from the southern tip of Chile about 20,000 years ago where it quickly adapted to match its habitat.

V) Reproduction

Snake reproduction is pretty vanilla except for the case of the Albino Python. Since the outer rim of Antarctica is constantly melting/freezing, Albinos are forced to journey some 60 miles inland for a safe place to socialize and reproduce. Once the mating pairs have become pregnant, the male pythons slither to the sea to gorge on fish, for they have a long, cold winter ahead of them. After a month of eating, they slither back to the nesting site where the baby snakes have hatched. They identify their mates and offspring by vocalizations which are unique to each individual. How this uniqueness is guaranteed has mystified serpentologists since the Albinos were discovered.

Once the males have returned to watch the hatchlings, the females slither to the sea to feed. They are very emaciated from the long wait and eat for over two months before returning to the nest. Once the families are united and the juvenile snakes are big enough to slither long distances, they all return to the water and the parents teach the juvenile snakes how to hunt. I’m glossing over a lot here, but you can read up about these snakes on wikipedia if you want to know more.

VI) Feeding

Snakes are mostly carnivorous, using their venom to kill their prey. A rule of thumb is that a snake will focus on prey whose maximum dimension is about 50% of the snake’s tube. For example, a 12′ King Cobra wouldn’t think twice about taking down a 6′ human (remember what I said about keeping your distance?).

Some bigger snakes like to augment their diet with sweet fruits, like papayas, but this is rare. Usually, snakes eat vegetables when a) there aren’t enough living things to eat, or b) they are very young and need the extra sugars and starch. Regular–not albino–pythons are the exception; they eat 50% meat and 50% vegetables/starches.

VII) Human interaction

Some humans keep snakes as pets, but we strongly discourage this. Snakes are extremely dangerous, venomous animals and generally have the intelligence of a teenaged human. Some snakes have successfully learned over 1000 signs from the American Sign Language language. They make the signs by shifting their bodies into the correct shape. “It isn’t publicized, but 1 out of 10 snake owners will receive a fatal bite or eventual die from snake-related complications. The pro-snake lobby in Washington keeps this fact under wraps and we’re all hoping that the new administration will stand up to this manace,” remarked  Yuri von Metleife, vice chairman of American Center for Snake Appreciation and Respect (ACSAR). “Sure, I like sakes too. But only to look at. When I lost my uncle to an Albino Python bite, I knew that no one should own a snake. They are just far too dangerous for families and individuals.”

Encounters between humans and snakes in the wild are very common. A common myth is that, “don’t worry, they’re more scared of you than you are of them.” Are you serious? Snakes are poisonous. They aren’t afraid of anything (except bigger snakes). Please, wherever you live, know which snakes are around and be aware of them. During mating seasons, stay indoors.

Snakes are known to be very sensitive to motion and speed. They are quite used to their own slithering and find car and train rides to be very upsetting. The high speeds and pressure changes of airplane rides are absolutely intollerable to snakes and they have been known to escape for their enclosures and be even more agressive than usual. Transporting snakes on airplanes has been outlawed in over 40 countries, including the United States.

Yuri von Metliefe, ACSAR

VIII) Conclusion

Snakes are majestic, powerful and deadly. They will not hesitate to defend themselves and need to eat a lot. They should be avoided at all costs.

It’s real, so watch out.

Monday, a Swedish chimp amassed an arsenal of rocks to hurl at onlookers. The ape began the collecting before dawn, even including chunks of concrete chipped off from his enclosure. Sometime the midday rush, entirely unprovoked, the chimp unleashed a rain of terror on zoo visitors, killing 3 and injuring uncounted others. Fortunately, Sweden is tolerant of chimps and monkeys, so he’s being celebrated for his planning skills.

Source: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,507226,00.html

And eaten. That’s right, some locals in the Philipines came across a buttonquail on the island of Luzan and thought enough of it to photograph it (see below, courtesy of National Geographic) before selling it to a market as food. Humans 1, buttonquails 0.

Source

A chimpanzee named Travis died Monday after severely biting a woman in Connecticut. Police were unable to negotiate with the chimp and resorted to deadly force. “He had a wild look in his eyes,” remarked police commissioner, Mark Willis. “He kept throwing his head around and shrieking. We shouted for him to put his hands up, but it was as if he didn’t even hear us. We had no other choice.” The unidentified woman was hospitalized and listed in critical condition. After Travis’ family has been notified, funeral plans will be announced. This is a currently developing story, so check back for updates.

RIP, Travis the Chimp

Source

Today, my wife and I were in a local  pet store looking for inspirational reading and weight loss supplements for our chubby cat, Skittles, when I came across a cage labeled “Honey bears”. You can imagine my surprise; they have been selling juvenile Honeybears along side regular hamsters and mice! I don’t know what sicko from Delaware would be supplying major pet stores WITH BEARS but bringing him/her to justice is another story. Naturally, I recognized the threat and purchased the two bears immediately.

Before I continue, I think a little background is necessary. As you’ve read in the Honeybear article, these creatures are pretty damn muscular. The speed with which they need to run to catch the necessary amount of prey to keep them running that speed requires a body fat percentage of only 2%. Furthermore, the average Honeybear weighs roughly 300-320 kg, of which nearly 270 kg is muscle. The point is, these bears don’t have much room for auxiliary tissue, such as reproductive organs. So, Honeybear cubs are extremely small when born due to the limited space the mother Honeybear has inside her belly. Below is a picture of newborn Honeybears.

I suppose I can understand how someone would think this creature is “cute” or a “hamster of some sort”. Maybe they think their disposition is sweet because they’re called “Honeybears”. Well, they aren’t sweet; they’re BEARS. And the only reason they’re called honey is because that’s the standard color of their fur, though it can range from a ruddy brown to pale fawn.

So we bought the two Honeybear cubs and a secure enclosure manufactured by CritterTrails (trust me, I banged on the plastic for while and it hardly broke). We returned home with our deadly find and set them up in their new home. Fortunately, time is on our side. Because Honeybears require so much muscle, they grow very slowly–quality over quantity. Below is a picture of our Siamese cat, Muffin, keeping an eye on the bears.

And here’s a picture of the bears together. They’re huddled with each other because they don’t have enough body fat to stay warm if they aren’t running.

So far I’ve observed the two fighting, hoarding, running and sleeping. They can climb much better than I was expecting and I will report this finding to the National Association of Bear Research (NABR). Below is a picture of one specimen scaling a vertical tube from the inside. Imagine if this bear were full grown and climbing up your chimney.

So, here’s the thing. Next time you go to the pet store looking for a new pet, stick with mice, hamsters, snakes, hedgehogs and gerbils. If you see a cage labeled, “Honeybear” or  “Honey Bear”, stay away. Even if the label reads, “Honey Bear Hamster”, it is a mistake. These are not hamsters; they are juvenile bears. Honeybears are 50 times more vicious than grizzly bears and bear adoption is a binding contract in 49 states whether the adopter is aware that the adoptee is a bear or not. Unless you are a trained, certified professional, adopting a Honeybear is certain death for you and your family. You have been warned. If you see any Honeybears available for sale ANYWHERE, send me an email at tom at bearscare dot org so that I can remove the threat and re-home the bears in the bear facility my wife and I operate from our house. Thank you.

So, science did it again; the biggest snake of all time has been discovered somewhere in S. America. This badboy is over 40′ long and, according to some guy I heard on NPR, could be thick enough to reach up to your hip if you’re a weak-ass little man. Otherwise, the snake would probably only be knee-high, which is absolutely intimidating, but at least not waste-high.

The snake discovered was over 60 million years old and discovered in one of those “countries” in S. America (who cares which?). What is that place, Isla Nublar? Get over it, guys. I SAW big anacondas in PR when I went–well, not literally, but whatever. I’ve had it. Snake below.

Well, today was Groundhog Day! Groundhog Day is an ancient Asian holiday where a groundhog is used to predict the weather. Back in the 19th century, a family of groundhogs was brought to Pennsylvania in the luggage of Japanese immigrants so that they could continue their tradition. And they have to this day.

The current groundhog is Punxsutawney Phil. He is thought to be over 35 years old and is showing no signs of frailty.

The verdict: MORE WINTER. It was unfair, though. If Phil would have been brought out later in the day, he would have seen his shadow since a blizzard is about to pummel the East Coast.