BEARSCARE

A recent surge of Burmese python attacks has both researchers and authorities concerned. Apparently the python, which was illegally introduced into Florida in the late ’80s by notorious snake dealer, Ferdinand “Fang” Mueller, has flourished and grown far more numerous than its food supply, which consists mostly of pigs, weasels and small monkeys. “We don’t find the bodies, because there are no remains. We do see, however, very well fed pythons. You know, there’s a big lump in the middle,” explains Harry Hinson, a snake expert employed by Biscayne County, FL. The 7-8 meter long snakes (21-24″) can weigh upwards of 400 kg and need to feed approximately twice per week, which is much more often than similarly sized snakes.

“The problem is,” continues Hinson, “their metabolisms actually adapt to their surroundings. Now we’ve got a lot of hogs in Biscayne County, so the snakes eat more of them. It’s a vicious cycle. And I do mean vicious.” The concern, stated Hinson, is that once the food supply is exhausted, the pythons will turn their beady eyes and forked tongues toward the human population. Several disappearances are expected to be the result of python attacks. “Yup, it’s already started. We’ve had half a dozen swamp people go missing in the last month alone,” remarked Hinson.

Fang Mueller is currently incarcerated in the Sarasota State Penitentiary. He generally declines requests from the press, but did release this statement last week:

“A lot of people are asking me if I regret my illegal activities. The answer is no. I regret getting caught. When buyers were plentiful, I was making a lot of money off those snakes. It was the American dream. And then they stopped buying them because they got all sentimental when the snakes started eating pets. What did you expect? So there I was with over 200 pythons. I had to do something, so I dumped them in the damn swamp. So shoot me! It’s what any last one of you would have done.”

Mueller was convicted of illegal snake smuggling in 2005 and, under Florida’s strict snake laws, was sentenced to 60 years in prison. He will be eligible for parole in 2018.

The Coconut Crab is the largest terrestrial arthropod in existence. On average, it weighs 4-5 kg and its legspan is around 70 cm, with the body itself 30-40 cm in diameter. Coconut crabs feed primarily on fruits and nuts, including the tropical coconut for which they are named, but will also eat lizards, birds, fish and the occasional small monkey.

It has been widely reported that these crabs, when hunting in a pack, can immobilize and consume a human. Although many arthropologists dispute this claim, tour guides generally discourage interaction with Coconut Crabs. “They will bite your foot off,” states Juan Calypso, a tour guide and naturalist operating in the Maldives island chain. “This one time, my friend, Jose, he wanted to catch one. The crab saw him coming and called his friends. The crabs charged Jose and nearly bit off all his fingers. If I hadn’t been there, they would have killed him. He spent two years in a hospital, but he’s OK now, thank God.”

A contrasting view, however, is held by Dr. Gilbert Humphrey, an adjunct professor of Arthropodal Studies at Yale University. “I have several pet Cokies,” remarked Humphrey, while puffing on a corncob pipe. “I let them crawl on my face or wherever. One time Rosco tried to crack my head like a coconut, but he didn’t get real far. I love the little guys.”

There is evidence sufficient for concern that coconut crabs are venomous. Trace amounts of neurotoxins have been detected in their nests. It is believed that the poison may be delivered through small tubes in the crabs’ retractable fangs and claws. Some males also feature a scorpion-like stinger thought to deliver venom.

Coconut Crabs rarely approach humans, but they do show a marked interest in human settlements. Crabs have often invaded trashcans, dumpsters and even restaurants, in search of both coconut and non-coconut food sources. The International Zoological Society (ZSI) has recommended 4-foot concrete barriers around any commercial food sources to prevent contamination from coconut crabs.

The Coconut Crab recently enjoyed a huge rise in notoriety after an individual successfully climbed Raul Castro’s personal yacht and attempted to sneak off with a coconut. Mr. Castro’s publicist provided little detail as to what ensued other than that the crab was unsuccessful and is “no longer a threat to la seguridad nacional Cubana“.

Recently, a purported video of American Vice President Joe Biden surfaced on the internet featuring Mr. Biden extolling the virtues of the Coconut Crab, but it was later determined to be a hoax. The Vice President has been seen, however, becoming visibly uneasy when asked about the animal.