A disturbing story is coming out of a Washington, DC suburb in Virginia. Apparently, a house cat was so upset with her owners’ purchase and use of a new vacuum cleaner that she lept off a balcony and fell 15′ feet onto a faux-wood floor. The attempt was unsuccessful and the cat, named Snickers (pictured below), holed up under a sofa for over two hours after the fall. Reports are coming in now that she’s moved to an old chair. Keep checking back.
My fellow bearscarers, today marks our fourth year of ONLINE DOMINANCE OF BEAR RELATED CONTENT. Let’s all give ourselves a pat on the back.
And guess what? I received a letter from President Obama a few days ago which was marked not to be opened until today. It reads:
“Bearscare is a valuable resource for all Americans. Often when I begin to veto a bill, just before I squiggle the “3″ part of “B”, I catch myself, and my breath, sit back in my high-backed executive chair and reflect. Then I go to bearscare.org to clear my mind and actually learn something new.” With the election year roaring distance away, I won’t take sides, but I would like to thank Mr. Obama for his warm comments and wish him and his a very merry Christmas. And to all of you, from the very bottom of my furry heart, merry Christmas! We couldn’t have done this without you.
Last week, a piece of space junk crashed into a savannah in Namibia, Africa. Though NASA wrote it off as just another “Composite Overwrapped Pressure Vessel”, or COPV, which are pretty common in space and often survive reentry and land on Earth intact, local authorities knew they had something special. In a press conference, Namibian president, Hifikepunye Lucas Pohamba, addressed press questions, “Oh yes, we did open it. It was filled with dead ants. We’ve recruited some experts to examine them, and they haven’t been able to identify them.”
He went on, “Carbon dating suggests that the ants are over 20,000 years old, which obviously makes no sense in any conventional way.” The international community, so far, has shown little reaction. When pressed on the matter, EU Secretary for Extraterrestrial affairs gave the following statement: “We do not believe the object is any reason for alarm. Many ants were launched into space during the 1970s in COPVs and we reject any results suggesting the ants date back to the stone age. Who even cared about ants back then? It’s a bunch of bologna, if you ask me.”
We’ll be following this story closely. I’m personally interested to find out if the ants are 100% carbon based, or if they have traces of silicon or arsenic. Stay tuned and stay watchful.
As Bearscare.org’s fourth anniversary approaches, I feel it’s time to offer a little clarification on the nature of the Honeybear, a rogue species of which little is known; the very existence of the Honeybear was a significant motivation when I founded this site and also The National Journal of Ursalography, the only periodical dedicated to the scientific study of bears and sometimes other animals.
Many people ask me if there’s any (non-taxonomical) relationship between the Honeybear and the honey badger, especially since the airing of “The Crazy Nastyass Honey Badger” (see below) by a fellow zoographer known only as Randall. The answer is a resounding NO. The honey badger deserves myriads of respect in its own right, but its notoriety arises from different characteristics than the Honeybear. The honey badger, pictured below in Fig. 1, is known to enjoy eating anything which can feel pain. It also has a sweet tooth (and can you blame it?), so locals began referring to Mellivora capensis by its more commonly known name.
In contrast, “the fact is that the Honeybear’s name comes exclusively from the color of its fur,” says Doug Gilmore, a Delaware park ranger turned naturalist and consultant to the Delaware Department of Parks and Wildlife. He goes on, “yes, we have found evidence that they do consume honey in that they eat the entire hive. The disorderly buzzing attracts them and they don’t turn down the opportunity to get a significant amount of protein from the bees, insoluble fiber from the hive walls and simple carbohydrates from the honey. In consuming honey, though, unlike the honey badger, the Honeybear actually eats the hive whole. Picture a someone picking oranges from an orange tree. It’s like that, except there’s only one orange and it’s very big and full of angry bees and honey.
Fig. 1 A honey badger after catching the scent of honey
“Sadly, we’ve noticed that more often than not, when a Delaware beekeeper goes missing, his hives do too. And, when we investigate, we find the telltale signs of a Honeybear attack that the police usually miss. You can’t fault them, though, since Honeybears leave very little behind. Usually there’s just some faint claw marks on nearby trees and a tuft of honey-colored fur or two. Blood is rare, as the Honeybear needs all the iron it can get. We don’t know whether the Honeybear smells the human prey first or whether it’s the incessant buzzing, but we do know it’s not the honey itself which attracts the bear.”
Fig. 2 A Honeybear hunting at the eastern edge of Prime Hook National Wildlife Refuge near Milton, DE
I’ve also been asked which animal is more vicious and who would win if a Honeybear (see Fig. 2) were to fight a honey badger. Unfortunately, due to recent “laws”, such a matchup is illegal in most parts of the US, including Delaware, the only state where Honeybears are found. Furthermore, a Honeybear has never been successfully captured, much less transferred across state lines for any reason, whether legitimate or not. That said, it’s my opinion that a honey badger would have a very difficult time besting a Honeybear. Although the honey badger is very resilient, I believe that the Honeybear’s kill move–grasping the victim in its powerful jaws and shaking it violently at over 70 hertz–would ultimately subdue it. There’s a chance the honey badger could scurry into another animal’s borrow, if one were to be nearby, and wait out the confrontation, though. We know that honeybears will pursue new prey after several minutes of being unable to reach an animal. However, even just considering height and weight ratios, I would be very surprised to hear of a decisive win by a honey badger in a matchup.
