BEARSCARE

Three blizzards have hit my home in the last couple months, and I’m very concerned about a hazard to public safety that no news outlets have reported. The Yeti, or the more commonly known, anglicized version, The Abominable Snowman, is a rare hominid which inhabits the colder reaches of our planet. Although it is estimated that 95% of Yetis live in Greenland, populations are believed to exist as far south as British Columbia, in Canada, and as far north as the southernmost regions of Chile. Photographs and video of Yetis have never been verified since the organism has never been properly studied; it’s trivial to make an image of a human-like animal in the woods and so, historically, it’s been very difficult to isolate the fakes from real evidence.

The Yeti, unlike a conventional human, averages roughly 2 meters (6.6 feet) in height and roughly 150 kg (330 lbs) in mass. Yetis are primarily carnivorous, though they rely on tree bark for fiber to facilitate digestion an primitive algae growth on rocks for essential vitamins and minerals. Their primary prey is cloven hoofed animals, including Roe Deer and the common swine. Yetis, on average, require 2-3 kg of meat per day to survive; studies concerning their vegetarian needs have been inadequate and lacking, and the scientific community has yet to reach any consensus regarding such dietary requirements.

Documented human interactions with Yetis are nearly non-existent. Most encounters exist in folk-lore and not verifiable literature. It is generally understood throughout the community that the lack of evidence reflects poorly on the reliability of the collectors rather than the scientists; individuals who are in position to interact with Yetis rarely possess the presence of mind to accurately document these encounters. And so the Yeti, in any official sense, remains a mystery. I urge all East Coast residents to keep their eyes open for our majestic, furry cousins; we may never understand aliens, but at least Yetis are within our grasp.

On Thursday, February 4th, 2010, a giant panda was removed by the People’s Republic of China from the National Zoo in Washington, DC. The panda, named Tai Shan, by popular vote, was the first of the species to be born on America soil and is considered by many to have citizen status. The PRC laid claim on Tai Shan, however, arguing primarily that, since Tai Shan’s parents where in Washington on loan, he inherited Chinese ownership.

“Look, we really didn’t want to rock the boat,” commented Raul Jimenez, an unofficial White House spokesman. He continued, “you bet they were up late evaluating options. Apparently some very high ranking officials used strong, sometimes vulgar, language in expressing their disapproval over the deal.” Although Mr. Jimenez would not comment as to whether President Obama or his family were involved in the discussions, he did quote the president as stating “all options are still on the table, people, including complete, resolute and absolute refusal to turn over Tai Shan,” at around 8 PM Wednesday night.

Tai Shan will be missed. An unworthy tribute follows:

Goodbye, Tai Shan; we will miss you. Spread the American Dream in your new home.