BEARSCARE

When I go out on my expeditions into the harshest environments (The Badlands, Antarctica, the Gobi, etc.), I travel light. But I also travel strong. The Cold Steel SRK is a knife which can do the following: cut through a car hood, serve as a ladder, open a can of peaches, DESTROY a parachute, stab right through body armor and into somebody, cut open boots, and even cut a fire hose. Don’t believe me? Look at this video, then do yourself a favor and buy one.

14 January 2010

Yesterday, a hippo escaped the Montenegro National Zoo (MNZ). Heavy rains had flooded the zoo and water levels rose above cage walls, allowing Nikica the hippo to swim to his destiny.

“I will not the make a kill,” remarked Nikoli Sregev, NMZ central administrator. “The hippo…the gentle creature…eat a rat or mini bird. We make this kill? Unaccept.”

Generally, hippos shouldn’t be approached, though some suggest that they are among the gentler cow derivatives. Hippopotami will kill humans, but they usually have good reason; bulls have traditionally felt threatened by encroaching hominids, and this legacy still stands. Please, keep a conservative distance when hippo-gazing.

This is big. A few months back, Bearscare.org was the first to report the discovery of a simple, worm-like organism native to the planet Mars. Well, on Saturday, Spirit, one of two rovers currently on the Mars, came across a bizarre, octopus-esque creature. See below.

Very little is known about the critter, and taxonomists are struggling to think of an appropriate name for it. Although, for internal purposes, NASA has dubbed the alien MO-2, short for Mars Organism 2, it is being called Gregory for the time being, after the technician who first viewed the image.

“I had just gone to the vending machine for a Sprite, and when I returned to my desk I saw this weird picture on my screen. At first I thought it was a prank,” remarked Gregory Boone, a junior technician who was working the graveyard shift. “It sucks working so late, but I guess now it was all worth it. Maybe I can work during the day now,” he continued.

Needless to say, the world is stunned. Opportunity, the other Mars rover, is on its way to rendezvous with Sprit, explains Nils Brodin, a NASA official, “see, at the last minute [before the launch] we realized this might happen. So, we installed a pod onto Opportunity which could be jettisoned and sent back to Earth. It looks very similar to the Apollo capsule, except smaller.” The plan is for Opportunity to scoop Gregory up, place it in the capsule, and send it to Earth to be studied by eager scientists. “We expect Opportunity to arrive in about 3 weeks. In the meantime, we will be trying to figure out what Gregory eats. We want to keep the little guy alive and will be constantly monitoring him through a dedicated video feed from the capsule. It’s going to be tough, though. There’s not much other than rocks and dirt on Mars, so we’re kind of at a loss,” remarked Brodin as he tied his shoe. “This will change everything.”

Brodin also noted that the capsule can travel much faster on the return journey to Earth since it’s much lighter than the capsule the rover was sent it. He said they expect to recover the capsule a few weeks after it has been jettisoned.

Stay tuned for updates.

A California city, Monrovia (sounds a little Eastern Bloc, to me) , is reporting an unusually high number of bears in its neighborhoods. “City leaders have asked their staff to look into ways to limit bear activity in neighborhoods, including possibly mandating bear-proof trash cans and limiting how long residents can leave their trash cans out,” reports the LA Times.

“It just ain’t right,” remarks local outdoorsman and wildlife enthusiast Jeb Gimble, “it’s always been this way here. [Monrovians] have always lived peacefully along side our bears. It’s these modern kids movin’ in who are causing the trouble. Bears are normal here. I mean, look at the California flag! I call BS.”

Local officials have not released any official statement as to any new citywide bear policy, but locals fear for the worse, explains Rhonda McPhee, “I just don’t know. I feed them, I care for them. I even take the cubs in during the winter. If they go, I go.” It’s always sad when bears get turned away and I really hope the Monrovian government halts its erosion of historically precedented bear rights.

Big news! Our parent organization, from whom we get the vast majority of our funding, has finally launched an internet version of their printed journal. Check it out here: http://www.ursalography.org.