France Mourns Loss of Beloved Citizen
6 December 2009
On Sunday, French president Nicolas Sarkozy delivered the terrible news that one France’s most cherished citizens, possibly among the finest French ever to grace this planet, has tragically passed on. Out of respect to Kiki, here is the short and teary address given by President Sarkozy in its entirety:
Compatriotes, je suis affreusement triste de vous annoncer que nous avons perdu l’un des Français les plus beaux à la grâce de notre nation depuis la révolution. Kiki la tortue capturée nos cœurs français depuis un siècle et demi, mais est avec nous plus longtemps. Me manquera personnellement sa nature généreuse et sa compréhension regard, et nous savons tous que nous aurons à souffrir du vide que sa passion pour l’amour cacophonique a quitté. Je m’associe à vous comme l’un d’entre vous, un Français, qui pleurent la perte tragique de Kiki. Mai Dieu ait son âme.And the translation:
Countrymen, I am excruciatingly sad to announce that we have lost one of the finest Frenchman to grace our nation since the revolution. Kiki the tortoise captured our French hearts for a century and a half but is with us no longer. I will personally miss his generous nature and his understanding gaze; and we all know we will suffer from the void that his cacophonous passion for love has left. I join you as one of you, a Frenchman, in mourning the tragic loss of Kiki. May God rest his soul.A fitting, though necessarily inadequate, tribute to a true hero. Kiki has captured the hearts of men, women and children the world over since his birth in the mid-19th Century. His rise to fame occurred through a strange coincidence: on a Sunday afternoon in May, 1861, a three month old tortoise came upon a litter of St. Bernard puppies whose culling had failed. The puppies were trapped in a burlap sack which was caught against a rock in an eddy. Legend has it that Kiki, who, as a tortoise, could not swim, entered the turbulent stream and dragged the sack of puppies to safety and then nurtured them for over three weeks. Eventually, a Darwinian naturalist came upon the new family and, stunned, wrote an earth-shattering article for the newly created journal, Nature. Well, that article propelled that journal onto the world stage and immediately solidified Kiki’s position as a French institution. The king immediately prepared a dwelling for the heroic reptile in les-jardin-public-magnifique-égalien, the official state zoo of France. There he resided for the duration of his legendary years. It is believed that Kiki sired over 600 hatchlings with no fewer than 124 willing mistresses. His passion was heard and celebrated from all corners of Paris. The rumor that he once propositioned and attempted follow-through with a wheelbarrow is a slanderous lie propagated by Kiki’s enemies.
Kiki’s death has been ruled to be through natural causes, though some allege swine flu while still other conspiracy theorists suspect Basque separatist involvement. No matter what the cause, France has lost its finest asset; and, although the French parliament is currently debating creating a new holiday in his remembrance, on 6 December 2009, France took a sizable step down in the eyes of its peers.
Kiki was buried Tuesday in the same cemetery as René Descartes, La Terre Sacrée Des Héros, in the north-eastern quadrant of Paris.
- R.I.P. Kiki
I imagine now we will hear the truth about Kiki. Kiki tried to join the regular French Army in 1962 but was not allowed because he did not have a French passport. The French Foreign Legion gladly took Kiki in were he excelled in 102 combat operations. Kiki retired in 1982 and lived in Chateau with his fellow Legionars. Much of Kiki’s missions are classified to this day. Maybe soon we will hear about his heroic duty?