BEARSCARE

You may have thought that terrorism is limited to human beings, but this is proof that some bears have been recruited to commit hate crimes. In this case, a Syrian bear killed a common brown bear in cold blood at a zoo in Germany. No one is sure of the motive, but the bear is in custody. Funeral plans have not been announced for the victim.

Personally, I believe both bears are victims. What sicko put this bear up to such a horrible crime? I mean, this has made the news worldwide, so, to whoever crafted this atrocity, congratulations, we’re all REALLY impressed. You forced one innocent bear to kill another. This is absolutely disgusting.

On Friday, an airplane landed on an airstrip about 20 miles outside Chicago which, apparently, was piloted by a wild Grizzly bear. “We really don’t know what happened,” explained Roger Williams, a local police officer. “When we arrived at the airstrip, we could clearly see the bear in the cockpit and he was exteremely agitated. He was clawing at the windshield, which was getting pretty foggy.”

US Airways flight 1451 last radioed O’Hare Airport at 4:40 PM when the pilot requested permission to initiate the Boeing 757′s final approach. And “then he clicked off and the aircraft veered to the south,” remarked Jose Ramirez, the air traffic controller managing flight 1451. Ramirez went on, “I repeatedly tried to radio the pilot, but there was no response. I contacted the FBI and they said that they would give the situation top priority. I guess it wasn’t such a big deal and it’s a miracle they found that airstrip.” Later, when Mr. Ramirez was informed about the bear being the pilot, he sat down and refused to comment further.

When all the passengers had been evacuated, seasoned animal handlers opened the cockpit and subdued the bear; the pilot was nowhere to be found. A statement released by an official from the FAA, who asked to remain anonymous, read, “if, in fact, the pilot did disappear into thin air, then this bear is a hero. We have performed x-rays on the bear, and all we’ve found has been a dozen snack packs and a few apple juice containers. Look, we have no idea how this happened. We don’t know how the bear got onto the plane in the first place, we don’t know where the pilot is or when he left the cockpit, and we have no idea how the bear manipulated the controls. I mean, he had to press switches that were much, much smaller than his paw. Imagine typing on a keyboard with a plunger and that keyboard was responsible for the lives of over 100 people. Amazing. I still haven’t wrapped my head around this one.”

According to White House officials, President Obama was “literally seconds away from scrambling jets to engage and destroy the rogue airplane.” The White House has not released an official statement, but a press conference has been planned for 7:30 PM EST.