BEARSCARE

Scientists examining Google Earth imagery have found proof that the Loch Ness “Monster” is, in fact, real. “It’s a Plesiosaur, for sure. We thought that and it’s nice that we were actually right,” according to Billy “Nibbles” Wilson, a paleontologist and professor at Virginia Commonwealth University. “And there isn’t just one; no, these guys have been breeding for millions of years. The big question is how do we catch one to study.”

Loch Ness Monster surfacing for air

Plesiosaurs are very large, sea faring dinosauric reptiles. They are carnivores and are thought to have preyed on early land mammals. They were thought to have gone extinct along with most other dinosaurs 64,000,000 years ago. The Loch Ness has always been known to have unusually generous biological features, and strange animals have been widely reported since its discovery in 877 AD. The first “monster” sighting was reported in 901 AD by the historian Josephus, who, apparently, saw a “humped beast emerge from the sea and then disappear.” Intrigue has built ever since until now.

“Now my life is complete,” Wilson went on, “and I don’t need to deal with people calling me ‘stupid’ or ‘loser’ anymore. Guess who the losers are now! Dinosaurs are real.”

Generally cryptozoologists agree that Nessie will have cognitive abilities on par with the common salamander, but nobody knows for sure. Keep checking back for updates.

After studying ancient Roman manuscripts, researchers have decided to investigate repeated references to VIAE BIMINAE, or The Roads to the Biminis, a Spanish word from antiquity meaning “Eastern Land”. Surprisingly, the search for the road was very brief. The most logical place to start a search for an ancient bridge from Europe to the New World is the Iberian Peninsula. Brent Braanson of the University Afrikaans of South Africa assembled a team of researchers in Porto, Portugal and began digging. What they found has already gone down in history.

Ancient Roman Map of the Atlantic

They didn’t just find a road; they found foundations of pylons which appear almost modern. This discovery has turned both history and science in their heads. These pylons, which stretch clear across the Atlantic Ocean, once held up a great bridge, the Via Bimina, from Portugal to South Carolina. That’s right. The Romans were in America at least 1,000 years before Leif Ericson and nearly 1,300 years before Columbus.

The Bimini Ruins

The pylons lead to empty land about 30 miles south of Charleston, SC. An excavation there has already uncovered Earth-shaking findings: mugs, skeletons, boat spines and even etchings created by Roman artists over 1,500 years ago. These etchings depict generally peaceful relations with the Native Americans.

What exactly happened to the Roman explorers is currently unknown. Their settlements have vanished, short of the artifacts left underground. It is currently thought that the bridge was destroyed, probably by hurricanes, shortly after it was completed, and only a few Romans made it to the New World and back to tell the story.

Perhaps the most interesting aspect of this discovery was a completely different one. During initial dives studying the pylon foundations, scientists discovered foundations consistent with most Roman aqueducts. According to the journal, History, “it has been unequivocally shown that early Roman engineers did build an aqueduct to carry fresh water from North America to Europe. We knew their water was contaminated and we had no idea how they sustained the greatest civilization this world has known,” according to the renowned anthropologist, Gerard McManus.

McManus went on, “today our understanding of the ancients has been, for all intents and purposes, turned upside-down. They knew more than we give them credit for. A new epoch of history has just been discovered and we all need to question our own societal structures; our past isn’t what we think it was. Columbus is a lie.”

That opinion is not that of bearscare.org, though it is very interesting.

On Sunday, the International Martian Imagery Analysis Institute (IMIAI) announced they had confirmed that a series of stills and video clips they had been studying for two months does in face depict a worm-like creature moving through the Martian soil. The imagery was obtained by MER-B Opportunity, one of two robots operated by NASA on Mars. NASA has yet to comment on the finding, but experts almost unanimously agree with the conclusion reached by the IMIAI.

"Slinky" the Martian Worm

“Today we know that we are not alone,” remarked IMIAI chair, Lynne Swarsky. “Our organization has been devoted to the search for Martian life and now we know it was all worthwhile.” The creature discovered on Mars, nicknamed “Slinky”, looks very similar to Earthly tape worms. “It’s not a coincidence at all,” clarified Lawrence Wright, a geneticist and professor and James Madison University in Virgina. “The hardest part in evolution is getting from molecules to living organisms. These organisms are extremely simple and, next to a single celled creature, the tape worm is about the simplest. Think of it as the fundamental building block of  life.” Wright went on to explain that, given ideal conditions, we could expect to be observing more complex life on Mars, such as mammalian-type creatures, within the century.

There is no data suggesting whether the specimen discovered on Mars is carbon-based, like most life on Earth, but it is expected that NASA will fast-track a manned mission to Mars to collect samples. There is no reason to believe that these Martian worms could be a threat to our planet at the time, but it is very important to know for sure. I will be writing my congressman to voice my concerns and encourage a “yes” vote on allocating funds to send a collection mission to Mars and I suggest my readers do the same.

“First we found water and now this! Next thing you know, there will be little green animals with three eyes just like we always dreamed,” concluded Swarsky in the statement released by the IMIAI. Today is truly an exciting day, but we just need to approach the matter with caution.

The journal, Nature, is reporting that geneticists have discovered that crab claws and eagle talons are genetically identical. According to Dr. Derek Wright’s article,

We were searching for ways in which both species related to their common ancester, the trilobite. We mostly focused on the major organs, but got nowhere. By chance, one of our interns noticed a similarity between x-ray images of the upper bone in the claws of both crabs and eagles. It turns out that, genetically speaking, the crab claw and eagle talon are identical

Actually, it wasn’t just a similarity. The two animals’ claws are indistinguishable to the naked eye, as shown in the image featured in the article, used with permission, below.

Left: crab claw upper bone structure, Right: eagle talon upper bone structure

Dr. Wright continued,

Today is a new day for science. A bird and crustacean sharing an entire body part? This has never been observed in written history. Now that we know that entire bone structures can survive one billion years of evolution, we can examine even human features, particularly those in the wrists and ankles. The holy grail of science has always been to connect humans to a common ancestor, often theorized to be the trilobite, but we’ve never even come close to realizing this dream. My guess is that in 1,000 years, no one will even care who invented the airplane because this will be, by far, the greatest contribution to science since the discovery of the wheel. I’m serious.

Early reactions to the controversial article have mostly been very positive. “I can not believe we overlooked this,” remarked Gerd Levensen. “We spent years looking for similarities in the brain. The claw? It’s so simple.”

Congratulations to Dr. Wright and his team. We hope to get an interview soon.