BEARSCARE

I think that, in general, this website is fairly “clean”. This is no accident; the world out there is full of depravity and I prefer for my readers to not have to worry about finding it here. Unfortunately, however, I story came to my attention about which it would be irresponsible for me not to write. I apologize if I shock anyone, and parents or anyone who is easily offended are hereby advised to leave this website and look at something else animal-related.

Last week, Deedee Foster of Ola, Arkansas, was making her evening rounds at her farm. As she approached the last barn, she, “immediately felt uneasy,” Mrs. Foster explained. “It’s a good thing I carry the gun when I do my rounds. Bud’s been laid up with a bum leg for 17 years now and I learned long ago to carry protection. I’ve scared away teenagers, pumas, bears and hobos, but I’ve never seen anything like this.” What Mrs. Foster saw was a man, later identified as Duke Sherwood, a local fire hydrant technician, engaging in an obscene act with one of Foster’s horses. “Oh, he stopped right away. I called the police and veterinarian. I knew if Beebe got elected things like this would start happening!” Gov. Mark Beebe (D) could not be reached for comment, but a spokesman assured members of the press that he was disgusted with the story and does not condone “that sort of thing”.

Deedee Foster standing guard over her horse, Pups

According to the International Horse Action and Protection Alliance (IHAPA), inappropriate horse related events have been on the rise in recent months. “You know, when the economy tanks, people have less money to do the things they want to do. They go looking for cheap thrills,” explained Robin Berkhalter, IHAPA public relations director. IHAPA was formed in during the 1930s due to a rash of similar offenses.

Source: http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,535400,00.html

You may have seen headlines about a mysterious “blob” floating in the Arctic Ocean around the Berring Straight in Alaska. What you may not know, however, is that there is no mystery to this blob. First, though, here’s a picture of the blob.

Scientists are no strangers to strange “blobs” and references to such organisms go back past Aristotle. Currently, “we know more than you might think about these things,” explains Werner Lindenberg, a professor at Radford University. “We know the great blob is made up of billions of smaller organisms; worms, actually.” Lindenberg went on to describe an intricate system in which millions of round worms (see below) involuntarily swarm together. “They don’t do it on purpose. Well, they can’t; they just aren’t smart enough. But they induce the behavior in each other and, as a group, have been shown to possess intelligence rivaling that of a medium sized mammal, such as a rabbit or fox.”

Presently, the blob is floating through the Berring Straight and both scientists and government officials are concerned it may stay close to the coast and enter the Puget Sound. “Oh yeah, FEMA knows. We alerted them to this thing a week ago,” replied Amos McMillan, a Washington State Coast Guard spokesman. He went on to explain that, apparently, President Oabama has assigned Vice President Biden to run a taskforce within FEMA to make sure that the “Katrina fiasco” isn’t repeated. “That was just a hurricane,” a figure claimed to be Biden says on a videotape provided by McMillan, “these are worms. They are alive and there’s more of them than us. We will use whatever force is necessary to acheive a satisfactory conclusion to this threat. No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that.”

"No worms will set foot on American soil under my watch; you can be damn sure about that." -Joe Biden

That’s all we know right now, so keep checking back for more updates.

While I was conducting Walrus related research, I came upone this film strip of a Walrus playing a saxaphone along side a human being. I had no idea they were this intelligent.

Also, here’s a video of a mother walrus and a baby walrus. It is a little known fact that walruses and bears have a mutually respectful relationship. Although they are competitors for food, it is a friendly rivalry. Walruses and bears have even been observed sharing resources during particulaly cold or sparse winters.

BREAKING NEWS

An unconfirmed report has come in that J. K. Rowling, author of the popular book series, Harry Potter, has been severly mauled by either a bear or mountain lion (or both) in Yellowstone Park. No one is sure what she was doing there, but there has been speculation that she was visiting while on vacation for some wizard trickery. The reports are still spotty, but sources say that the first emergency calls came in around 2 PM, Mountain Time, on Wednesday, July 15.

“What? No, it can’t be. No. No, no! No,” responded Wallace Kippering, one of Rowling’s attorneys. Although the report has yet to be confirmed, Harry Potter fans are already congregating at schools and forest clearings to say goodbye to Rowling in their own way. “First we cast a circle out of salt and then we built a fire and, and then magic spells.” Explained one fan, asked only to be identified as Ron. “She’ll live on if we get this right. I know it,” continued Ron who then turned to another friend and yelled something in the Harry’s wizard language.

Last known photograph of Pure Blood Wizardess Rowling

The attack couldn’t have come at a less convenient time for Rowling. The latest in the Harry Potter series of movies, “Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince”, was released Wednesday and has been getting so-so reviews. “As if it weren’t bad enough the movie’s no good, now Rowling is gone. We didn’t need this,” remarked Carl Baker, an unofficial spokesman for Warner Bros. Entertainment, Inc. “This was the important one. We’ll never sell tickets if we can’t get [Rowling] out to the theaters to drum up support,” continued Baker, who then hailed a cab. “If it’s true,” he yelled back, “then she went down doing what she loved! Witchcraft in the woods!”

One of the most interesting and rarest behaviors of the Great White Shark has been filmed for the first time (ever). An exceptionally large speciman washed ashore in New York, NY, and was observed by local beach goers.

“He bit right through it,” commented Silvie LeFramboise, “At first I was going to touch it, but then I found a stick. It was a good thing I did.” It’s a little known fact that over 60% of Great White Shark attacks actually take place on dry land; unsuspecting beach goers approach the giant killers thinking they’ve washed ashore dead, only to learn that the shark is very much alive and, as always, hunting. Ms. LeFramboise was lucky to escape with her life. “They said if I had been a step closer, I wouldn’t have made it. I feel more alive now than I ever have. I’m going to quit my job.”

Rod Fink Jr., however, was not so lucky. The up and coming paper entrepreneur had been vacationing in Sydney, Australia and had decided to try his hand at surfing one day. After not catching the first wave he went after, he paddled out for another try. “That was the last I saw of him. Paddling,” remarked Fink Sr., who saw the footage on youtube, “But this youtube thing is incredible. How long has it been around? Oh, but with Rod Jr., it was a really unfitting end. Really just a shame.” The paddling was actually just the last known footage of Fink. It turns out that after several unsuccessful tries, he began sulking on the beach. Eventually, he came upon a Great White Shark sunning itself. Still itching to assert his dominance over the sea, Fink crouched down in front of the giant fish and began to speak. No sooner had he opened his mouth had the shark done the same. And that was that.