BEARSCARE

Listen up, everybody. It happened. We tried advertizing, but nobody (except for TWO people) clicked on our links. How can you show so little respect for your favorite website?? Well, here it is. We’ve been forced to report non-animal news. Czech it.

Biden Apologizes for blah blah blah

So I guess Joe Biden (who?) got all PISSED OFF and started running his mouth. This Robersts guy said some stuff that Biden didn’t like and blah blah whatever…I can’t take this. Not clicking our links means we die and we have to report this zombie crap. PLEASE. THIS ISN’T CHEAP.

Did you know that there’s a bearscare.info? It’s written in a language I can’t understand (French, Greek, Korean, etc.) but I did gather from peeping it that the bearscare is a walking stick on which one end can be ignited to scare a bear. Here’s a diagram from the website:

This really isn’t going to work. Bears aren’t stupid. They know that humans CAN’T hurt them. Really the best defense you have you must encounter a bear is kind words, a hug and offerings of food, drink and (in W. VA, Maryland, Tennessee and Mississippi) cigarettes.

Whatever, guys.

Everybody, WATCH OUT! One of my worst fears has been confirmed: pet treats at PetSmart containing peanut butter can kill your pet. This is particularly disturbing because Giuseppe (my pet python) gets really squeezy when he doesn’t get his favorite peanut butter treats. Just stay tuned and I’ll let you know when peanut butter treats are safe again.

PS: What the hell is “salmonella” anyway?

Just kidding. This site is about animals (bears) and that’s it. Here’s a koala.

This is a BEARSCARE ALERT

OK, listen up everybody. Especially everybody living in Australia (see below).

There have been a SERIES of shark attacks. It all started when this one guy was snorkeling (sharks LOVE snorkelers, so go figure). He disappeared and the only remnant they found was part of his wetsuit. In my opinion, the most likely culprit in this attack is the hammerhead.

But this is where it gets scary: two more attacks happened in Tasmania. Both victims were surfers and both were victimized by Great White Sharks. This means that, for the first time in history, two species of sharks are teaming up against humans. This is absolutely terrifying. If sharks can sustain inter-species communication, they are much smarter than all experts (myself excluded) previously believed.

Right now all coastal nations need to gather to discuss the implications of this underwater conspiracy and decide how to combat it. Together we are strong but alone we are shark food.

So you may notice that our site is a little different looking. We had to change servers and we’re sorry for any inconveniences it may cause you. We’re extremely grateful for our enthusiastic and loyal readers. Unfortunately, one sign of a successful website is cripplingly expensive bandwidth. So, we’re going to be experimenting with Google Adsense. If you have any questions / concerns, please do not hesitate to comment on this post, any other post or contact me directly.

For the record, our we had 31,201 visits when we switched servers. We’d like to just take a moment to give everyone who helped make this possible a big bear pat on the back. Thanks!

Recently scientests uncovvered a colony Hispaniolan solenodons. Basically the Hispaniolan solenodon looks like a big rat with a crocodile snout. These little critters may be cute but they AREN’T cuddly; the venom from one bite is 12 times more potent than a cobra’s bite and 10 times more deadly than a python’s.  Hispaniolan solenodons make excellent pets but they are not for the beginning venomous mammal enthusiast. Please check out some books at the library before you buy one or at least read Wikipedia.

Hispaniolan solenodons mostly eat meal worms but will also eat carrots, fishfood or thawed frozen peas. You’ll need a large terrarium or, even better, a serious Habitrail setup since the Hispaniolan solenodons love to run and dig. And bite.

Click it or ticket –> http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/sci/tech/7791989.stm

When I say “venomous spiders”, where do you think of? Africa? Ausralia? The backwoods of West Virginia? All these answers are correct; well not entirely correct. A little known fact: Miami, Florida (USA) is home to the most poisonous spider. This spider, an extremely rare spider, is called the taupe recluse. Don’t laugh! It’s actuall related to the brown recluse but a SINGLE bit contains over 70 times the venom of a similar bit of a brown recluse.

The taupe recluse gets its name from–take a wild guess–the color of its belly. Actually, this spider looks identical to the brown recluse except for its underside; the brown recluse has a pinkish belly whereas the taupe recluse has a taupe belly. The taupe recluse lives exclusively in Miama and feeds primarily on spilled beach food such as hot dogs, chips, soda, whatever. Often, taupe recluse bites take some time to kill a person but quickly retard respiration without the individual’s knowledge. Hence, many drown after taupe recluse bites and these deaths are usually attributed to drinking, drugs, sting rays, sharks, Dutch teenagers, etc. The taupe recluse should be feard and nobody should visit Miama without reading this article.

Watch your ass because I’m too busy watching mine,

Tom

Yo! I’ve been jamming my EYEBALLS on cnn for like 3 days but there haven’t been any polar bears, squids, deer, grizzly bears, etc. at all. The reason? This Obama guy. So, considering my recent exchange with my bro, Chris, about pythons, I just thought I’d post this sick-ass video:

This snake is 7 m, approximately one fourth the size of my behemoth python, Giuseppe. Now, picture the snake in the video but four times bigger. That’s my jam factory, G-Bone. If he had it his way he’d eat 12 pigs per week but I keep him Kosher so it’s turkey/chicken 100%.