BEARSCARE

I do. Look at this.

Foxnews.com is reporting that some kid was attacked by an unidentified animal. Here is a list of the most likely culprits

1. Grizzly bear cub
2. Pack of ravenous nutria
3. Lost bees
4. Koalas
5. Camel spider
6. Courtney Love
7. Arctic sea bird
8. 1 mile of inch worms (63,360 worms)
9. Aardvark?
10. Scottish Fold kitten

Actually, I’m almost sure it was the kitten.

I guess this is pretty cool. Some guy wasn’t paying attention one day and a grizzly started raging him. He played dead and the bear left (bears aren’t into dead people). I would have tried to communicate with the bear, but I’m more of a man than this guy, so it’s not too surprising he didn’t.

Video on CNN

One day I plan to be rich. And rather than put my money in some stupid bank, I’ll put in Jell-o. Here’s how it would work.

• Let’s assume $10,000,000 is “rich”
• Right now Harris Teeter’s is selling 6-packs of sugar-free Jell-o for $3.79. Each cup is 3.333 oz, so that’s $0.1895/oz. Not bad at all.
• $10,000,000 = 52,770,448.549 oz = 3,298,153.034 lbs. of Jell-o
• That’s 1,649 tons of Jell-o, which is really quite manageable and disappointing.
• If I had $1,000,000,000, I could buy 164,900 tons of Jello-o. That’s more than two Nimitz Class aircraft carriers*.

*Light loaded. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nimitz_class_aircraft_carrier

If you’ve heard that swarms of ants have invaded Texas but everything is OK because we can exterminate them, get your ears checked because it isn’t true. The ants are here and they’re here to stay. NOBODY–not even President Bush himself–can stop them. We don’t know much about them other than that they’re small, bitey and unkillable. Nobody from the governor’s office is brave enough to go public yet, but they all know (in their hearts) that Texas belongs to the ants now. New Mexico better start making room.

If you must, you can read more here. I don’t particularly recommend it, though. And, as always, if you read something which conflicts this website, it’s absolutely incorrect–don’t believe it.

Listen up, everybody, this is important. Polar bears made the list of “threatened” species today. This is a great step forward in recognizing polar bears by our country, but let’s not forget who does the threatening. Polar bears are some of my favorite bears and nobody can hurt them. Probably a better list than “threatened” would be “so sweet they can even rip your head off”. Animals which I would put on that list (polar bears, great white sharks, koala bears, alligators, condors) should be protected and offered extra food to show respect. Threatened my ass.

Somewhere in Florida, Burmese pythons have been attacking alligators…and apparently winning. Check out this photograph that was donated to us:

I really don’t know who to root for here. On the one hand, alligators are sweet and powerful, but then again so are pythons. I’ll probably pull for the alligator, though. Whatever.

I’ve been hearing a lot lately about bees disappearing by the millions. I’ve been wracking brain for some hours now figuring out why and have gotten nowhere. Nobody knows what happened to those bees and I don’t either. Upon this realization, I sat down in my thinking chair with a cup of honey and set out to find a work-around for the problem. And I did–it took me about 10 seconds. Now that’s smart thinking.

Here’s my idea: adopt a bee. Well, not just one bee–two bees. Exactly two bees, one male and one female. See, I realized that the biggest problem in the bee community is that the dominant queen represses all of the other girl bees keeping all the men to herself. But what if she isn’t fertile? Or what if she dies or disappears? Those girl bees need to know that they’re just as a good as the queen and they can be moms too. There are tons of female bees just sitting around in hives with nothing to do. They aren’t allowed to reproduce with the male bees because the queen said so. We need to free the bees.

I consider myself to be a very reasonable man. I don’t expect everybody to adopt two bees. If there’s about 6.6 billion people people in the world [1] and only 1 out of 100 adopted a pair, we would immediately have about 66 million new couples ready to restore the bee population to its former glory. Now, suppose each female bee were to lay 2000 eggs in the first year (this seems like a lot, but it’s only about one day of egg laying [2]) and only half survived to adult beehood. Then, by the end of the first year, we would have turned 66 million bees into 66 billion. That’s 10 times the human population in just one year. Assuming a male to female ratio of unity, the next year’s bee population would increase to 66 trillion. That number is larger than the gross world product measured in USD [3].

So, there you have it. The bees will be fine but it will take commitment on our part. I suggest that community leaders designate about 0.1% of their subjects as foster bee-parents. The entire community, of course, would be expected to chip in but the primary parents should have the time and means for this monumental task. I plan to assemble a crack team of zoologists, statisticians, botanists (boring) and historians to draw up formal plans and submit them to leading non-profits for review. In particular, we are hoping to win the support of Häagen-Dazs and their Help the Honeybees foundation (http://www.helpthehoneybees.org). All proceeds from Moonscreen sales (http://www.moonscreen.info) will be put toward this noble cause. I suggest readers buy a tube of Moonscreen to protect their skin from harmful moon-rays and our bees from almost-certain extinction.

[1] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/World_population

[2] http://www.main.org/cahbs/cycle.htm

[3] http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gross_world_product