Bearscare

OK, all you little cubs out there, here’s an update. I’ve been really busy with some other projects (fashion-related) and I just haven’t had time to post here. But now I’m taking a couple minutes for an update.

First, about five minutes ago I saw this video (below) where Gary Busey suggests a line of hair dye for grizzlies so they can pass themselves off as polar bears to take advantage of their special protections. Not a bad idea, but it’s going to be really hard to market/implement. Anyway, decide for yourselves:

Next, I saw a couple golden links on CNN. Check them OUT.

1. “Bear breaks into electronics store”
2. “Dozens of catfish ‘walk’ on street

OK, so before I go–just real quick–I’m doing really well. I’m healthy and my wife–she’s doing really well too–and I have began a running program. Our goal is to run a bear race (in case you don’t know, that’s where you run 10 miles as fast as you can as if you’re being chased by a bear or lion). Skittles is eating a lot and we’re not sure her weight-loss food is having its implied effect. Muffin, Skittles’ new little sister, is nice and thin and tries to nurse on Skittles.

Peace, everybody. And watch out for large predators (especially brown bears and polar bears).

Yours with claws,

Tom

This is serious. Three days ago my wife and I journeyed to the Appalachian Mountains of Virginia looking for bears and adventure. We found both. We saw not 1, not 2, but 6 bears. And I don’t think it’s the least bit arrogant to believe they new it was me and came out to greet us. Bears may not be the smartest animals (we are) but they DO know who they’re friends are.

Most of the bears we saw were on the side of the road but we had one close encounter with one in the woods. We ran into some woodsmen on their horses who tipped us off to the bear’s presence. Upon spotting him and failing to establish communication, we decided not to make chase. Below is a picture of one of the bears we saw (they’re hard to photograph. I think it’s because they are so secretive already).

I’m really sad to report some sad news tonight. Apparently some guy driving a street sweeper in The Bronx ran over the dog pictured below and killed her as her owner still held her leash. Why did this happen? Well, for one, we all know truck drivers hate dogs. I would guess that street sweeper drivers feel the same way. Also, the driver may not have a soul and that would explain a lot.

Hey everybody, here’s the haps. This bear just got married and I’m hibernating with my wife in the OBX. BUT, some serious ships went down recently that I need to write about. Some poor lady got lit up by a black bear in Quebec. Here’s what happened: her husband found her, couldn’t move her and had to deal with an extremely combative black bear.

I don’t know why that bear attacked. Usually black bears are pretty scared of humans and/or friendly towards them. Black bears just want snacks and not you. I hope no other bears get any stupid ideas because of this one bear’s poor judgment. Humans are NOT food, OK? We produce food, and that’s fine, but you can’t eat us. When you do eat us, we get mad and write articles and that’s bad publicity. So stop it. Seriously.

Bears just usually hang out in the woods or tree stumps, like this one.

Don’t believe me? Look here.

More black bear information is on Wikipedia.

I do. Look at this.

Foxnews.com is reporting that some kid was attacked by an unidentified animal. Here is a list of the most likely culprits

1. Grizzly bear cub
2. Pack of ravenous nutria
3. Lost bees
4. Koalas
5. Camel spider
6. Courtney Love
7. Arctic sea bird
8. 1 mile of inch worms (63,360 worms)
9. Aardvark?
10. Scottish Fold kitten

Actually, I’m almost sure it was the kitten.

I guess this is pretty cool. Some guy wasn’t paying attention one day and a grizzly started raging him. He played dead and the bear left (bears aren’t into dead people). I would have tried to communicate with the bear, but I’m more of a man than this guy, so it’s not too surprising he didn’t.

Video on CNN

One day I plan to be rich. And rather than put my money in some stupid bank, I’ll put in Jell-o. Here’s how it would work.

• Let’s assume $10,000,000 is “rich”
• Right now Harris Teeter’s is selling 6-packs of sugar-free Jell-o for $3.79. Each cup is 3.333 oz, so that’s $0.1895/oz. Not bad at all.
• $10,000,000 = 52,770,448.549 oz = 3,298,153.034 lbs. of Jell-o
• That’s 1,649 tons of Jell-o, which is really quite manageable and disappointing.
• If I had $1,000,000,000, I could buy 164,900 tons of Jello-o. That’s more than two Nimitz Class aircraft carriers*.

*Light loaded. Source: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nimitz_class_aircraft_carrier

If you’ve heard that swarms of ants have invaded Texas but everything is OK because we can exterminate them, get your ears checked because it isn’t true. The ants are here and they’re here to stay. NOBODY–not even President Bush himself–can stop them. We don’t know much about them other than that they’re small, bitey and unkillable. Nobody from the governor’s office is brave enough to go public yet, but they all know (in their hearts) that Texas belongs to the ants now. New Mexico better start making room.

If you must, you can read more here. I don’t particularly recommend it, though. And, as always, if you read something which conflicts this website, it’s absolutely incorrect–don’t believe it.

Listen up, everybody, this is important. Polar bears made the list of “threatened” species today. This is a great step forward in recognizing polar bears by our country, but let’s not forget who does the threatening. Polar bears are some of my favorite bears and nobody can hurt them. Probably a better list than “threatened” would be “so sweet they can even rip your head off”. Animals which I would put on that list (polar bears, great white sharks, koala bears, alligators, condors) should be protected and offered extra food to show respect. Threatened my ass.